-- Interview Conducted in My Head --
ME: Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
MSE: Is there liquor? Someone said margaritas.
ME: You don't need to drink anymore. Trust me.
MSE: God, I'm sober and you're speaking. It's like being next to a wind tunnel right when the geese fly into it.
On Careers
ME: So what do you do for a living? Aside from torment me?
MSE: I'm sorry, what? I wasn't listening.
ME: I was talking about careers.
MSE: Do you have one?
ME: I work at a library.
MSE: Hahaha...No, but really.
ME: It's a real job. It's full-time. There are benefits.
MSE: Like what? You get the Nora Roberts books before everyone else?
ME: I meant health benefits.
MSE: Good. You should get that thing checked out.
ME: What thing?
MSE: Oh, it's just your skin. Never mind.
On Dating
ME: So who have you dated besides everyone I ever liked?
MSE: It's not my fault they liked me more. Different people have different preferences.
ME: Good point.
MSE: For example, some people like loud, nerdy librarians who don't know how to dress and gossip and other people like guys who are attractive. I admit, you don't win in a lot of scenarios--
ME: I'm not a librarian. I don't have the degree.
MSE: You need a degree for that?
ME: Let's stick to the topic.
MSE: What do you need the degree for? Is it that complicated changing the date due stamps?
ME: Have you ever been in love...with someone other than yourself?
MSE: Being in love is like being in Idaho.
ME: How so?
MSE: I don't want to ever be in Idaho.
ME: That's not--
MSE: Are you sure there's no liquor here? I swear I can smell rubbing alcohol.
On Religion
ME: Is there a God?
MSE: Not from where I'm sitting.
ME: So you don't believe in divine acts on earth?
MSE: A margarita would be divine, other than that--
ME: Have you ever gone to church or do you still burn up on entry?
MSE: I went to church once for a wedding.
ME: What do you remember about it?
MSE: The best man looked better without the tux.
ME: I mean the church.
MSE: It wasn't fun.
ME: Fun?
MSE: You know, like in Sister Act. No Whoopie. No singing nuns. Total disappointment.
On Family
ME: How's your family?
MSE: Eight states away--couldn't be better.
ME: Do you miss them?
MSE: I miss Lipstick Jungle more.
ME: Ouch, that's harsh.
On Each Other
ME: Why do you think we don't get along?
MSE: I don't know. Every time I try to envision burying the hatchet, I keep thinking of all the fingerprints I'd leave on the handle.
ME: Well, that says it all.
ME: Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
MSE: Is there liquor? Someone said margaritas.
ME: You don't need to drink anymore. Trust me.
MSE: God, I'm sober and you're speaking. It's like being next to a wind tunnel right when the geese fly into it.
On Careers
ME: So what do you do for a living? Aside from torment me?
MSE: I'm sorry, what? I wasn't listening.
ME: I was talking about careers.
MSE: Do you have one?
ME: I work at a library.
MSE: Hahaha...No, but really.
ME: It's a real job. It's full-time. There are benefits.
MSE: Like what? You get the Nora Roberts books before everyone else?
ME: I meant health benefits.
MSE: Good. You should get that thing checked out.
ME: What thing?
MSE: Oh, it's just your skin. Never mind.
On Dating
ME: So who have you dated besides everyone I ever liked?
MSE: It's not my fault they liked me more. Different people have different preferences.
ME: Good point.
MSE: For example, some people like loud, nerdy librarians who don't know how to dress and gossip and other people like guys who are attractive. I admit, you don't win in a lot of scenarios--
ME: I'm not a librarian. I don't have the degree.
MSE: You need a degree for that?
ME: Let's stick to the topic.
MSE: What do you need the degree for? Is it that complicated changing the date due stamps?
ME: Have you ever been in love...with someone other than yourself?
MSE: Being in love is like being in Idaho.
ME: How so?
MSE: I don't want to ever be in Idaho.
ME: That's not--
MSE: Are you sure there's no liquor here? I swear I can smell rubbing alcohol.
On Religion
ME: Is there a God?
MSE: Not from where I'm sitting.
ME: So you don't believe in divine acts on earth?
MSE: A margarita would be divine, other than that--
ME: Have you ever gone to church or do you still burn up on entry?
MSE: I went to church once for a wedding.
ME: What do you remember about it?
MSE: The best man looked better without the tux.
ME: I mean the church.
MSE: It wasn't fun.
ME: Fun?
MSE: You know, like in Sister Act. No Whoopie. No singing nuns. Total disappointment.
On Family
ME: How's your family?
MSE: Eight states away--couldn't be better.
ME: Do you miss them?
MSE: I miss Lipstick Jungle more.
ME: Ouch, that's harsh.
On Each Other
ME: Why do you think we don't get along?
MSE: I don't know. Every time I try to envision burying the hatchet, I keep thinking of all the fingerprints I'd leave on the handle.
ME: Well, that says it all.
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