This Can't Be Broccoli

A story like this boggles my mind. A man has sex with a thirteen-year-old girl, and because he's a celebrity, people are actually asking that the whole thing be dismissed. Not to mention that he's never apologized for his actions, and in an article written at the time, actually claimed that EVERYBODY wants to sleep with thirteen-year-old girls. So somehow that's--okay? The only good argument I can see for letting the whole thing go away is that the girl/now woman in question wants it to, and since she's the victim, I do believe that when she petitioned the court to dismiss the case, they probably should have. I think her claim that she was the one being tortured by all this--clearly not Roman Polanski since he's gotten an Oscar and acclaim since the whole thing happened--was reasonable. It's considered a cliche to say that artists get special treatment, but in this case, it couldn't be more true. It's not just a matter of celebrity. It's the fact

I like the new Nightmare on Elm Street trailer. I think Jack Earle Haley is absolutely terrifying in any scenario, so the idea of him in an actual horror movie makes perfect sense to me. That being said, there's one amazing horror franchise I believe everyone's overlooking. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttvGz7rnjRE As a child, this movie scared the s**t out of me. Freddie Krueger was everywhere, but he just looked sort of cartoonish. Plus, how could you hate a guy in a form-fitting sweater? Freddie was always kind of funny. There was NOTHING funny about clowns who were going to wrap you up in cotton candy and then suck your blood out. Let's hope Michael Bay is listening.

Someone came into the library the other day looking for read Mackenzie Phillips' book. I believe if you want to read a book simply to find out the lurid details about someone's incestuous relationship with their father, then the patriot act should actually kick into gear and military officials should be asked to interrogate you. Whether or not Mackenzie Phillips is telling the truth about her affair with her father is irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. Forget that I find it incredibly suspect that she waited until she ran out of money to shoot up with before divulging the affair. Clearly it didn't damage her enough to prevent her from talking about it on every talk show that will have her. I think celebrity autobiographies from people who aren't even celebrities is pretty pointless. If you're going to read that, you should be forced to read an actual book as penance--something dense and European. Part of me also feels like--with the exception of politicians

- Why do they still interview the contestants on Jeopardy? It doesn't make me like them any more; in fact, I usually like them less. Today a man talked about riding the elevator in the Empire State Building. Thank God he didn't win, because if that was his best story, I'd hate to hear the runner-up. - CW cancelled 'The Beautiful Life.' I'm mad. I was hoping Jay Leno would be the first thing cancelled this year. - Joel McHale, you can't make a living out of making fun of assholes and then do a show with Chevy Chase, the King of all Assholes. - I want them to do a reality show where they hunt down people who actually like Colbie Caillat. I need to see what these people look like. I imagine that they look like Sade-lovers, except not sexy. - People are actually laughing when they show the trailer for 'The Stepfather' in theaters. I think I posed this question before, but it's worth repeating: Shouldn't they test ideas on audiences BEFOR

As you all may know, I enjoy some sassy every now and again. It's come to my attention recently that I need a sassy comeback--something along the lines of "I'm so sure" or "Yeah, okay" or "Broseph, please." So I've gotten together a list of possible Broccoli comebacks, and I'm going to decide on one shortly and then proceed to get into confrontations with people in order to use my new sassy comeback. Here are the finalists: 1) "Butcha ugly" Example: "Hey Kev, I really didn't like that piece you wrote about llamas." "Wow, I would really respect you for saying that--butcha ugly." 2) "Take off your nasty pants." Example: "Hey Kev, I really didn't appreciate you talking to me that way." "Okay, first of all, take off your nasty pants and go put on some civilized jeans. Okay?" 3) "Did somebody push the bitch button?" Example: "Hey Kev, could you please rem

I just read about the cat that was wrapped in duct tape. I now have an overwhelming urge to find out how to adopt that cat. This is a huge problem of mine. Given the opportunity, I'd end up a crazy cat person. ...slash crazy dog person...slash crazy lemur person... It's not just a love of animals; it's an unhealthy obsession. Aside from rats--the devil's creatures--I'm incredibly sympathetic to anything with fur. I find the most random animals adorable. I'm the only person I know who ever actually felt a desire to adopt a colony of prairie dogs. Given the opportunity, I'm confident that I would adopt the entire cast of Beethoven's 2nd. I suppose the best thing for me would be to have a farm. But considering how much I hate getting up early and my aversion to udders, I don't know if it would work out well. As of now, I have a cat named Duncan and a dog named Peaches. I don't really see how eight or nine more animals would make much of a diff

Lately I've been having a lot of discussions about Tom Stoppard. From now on, I'm just going to say this: I love Tom Stoppard because he doesn't apologize for being brilliant. I love him because he's the antithesis of talking down to an audience. When there are people in this world who are willing to give hours of their life to VH1 in order to watch bad reality shows, there's no excuse for someone not wanting to sit in a room and have someone smarter than them challenge them and make them think. I think we are in dire straits when we criticize a playwright for being "too smart." Maybe we shouldn't be asking ourselves why he doesn't make us understand. Maybe that's not his job. I love him because he's more concerned about the play than the audience. I love him because he makes people argue, question, and evaluate. I love him because you have no choice but to concentrate on what he's saying. I love that he expects that of the audien

This month my goal was to write 100 pieces for The Kevin Broccoli blog, and a piece a day for the This Can't Be Broccoli blog. Every writing book tells you that you have to write constantly, and not worry about whether what you're writing is worthwhile or not. With that in mind, you'd think that writing would be easy. Little did I know that even when given permission to suck, I still have trouble coming up with stuff every once in awhile. And by "every once in awhile" I mean "every time I try to write." So to help those of you who might be going through this as well, here are my ways of solving writer's block. Flickr--Go through "the last 7 days." There's usually at least one image in there that's inspiring, and if all else fails, try to play the Nine Photos game and connect the images. If that doesn't work, just try describing an image and see where it takes you. Fox News--There's always at least thing guaranteed to inf

Oprah recently announced a new Book Club pick, and I'm super excited. (Geek = Me = Not Ashamed.) The book "Say You're One of Them" was Entertainment Weekly's Best Book of the Year in 2008. People can criticize Oprah, but the truth is, she has actually picked some exceptional books as part of her book club. That's not to say ALL of them were exceptional. So, for those of you who would like to catch up with Oprah, I'm going to let you know which books to read, which are worth a look, and which were just her trying to win over some of the Midwestern housewives who got turned off by Stones from the River . Ps. I'm not counting the Classics. Should you read East of Eden? Absolutely! Pass on-- The Deep End of the Ocean - Even Oprah admits she went easy on everyone by picking this one. Here on Earth Black and Blue Midwives What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day Where the Heart Is - If you saw the movie, you know what I mean The Pilot's Wife Tara Roa

Some people don't like commercials. Those people have clearly never seen the Yaz commercial. Every time it comes on, I get more excited than if it were an actual television show. Let's face it, what's funnier than a "This Birth Control Might Kill You and We Lied to You About It And Now the F.D.A. is Making Us Tell the Truth" commercial SET IN A LOUNGE! Shouldn't this commercial take place in a doctor's office? Shouldn't a doctor or a nurse be talking to you about it? Instead, they found someone who looks like they lost a role on "One Tree Hill" and they conduct the entire thing in the tackiest hook-up bar I have ever seen in my life. Would this work if it were two friends? "Hey, sorry I lied to you, but now that everything's out in the open, wanna go sit on a leopard-print sofa and talk to a yoga instructor?" Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Almost as brilliant as the new ad that says "Who says you have to have your perio

-- One of my favorite podcasts/radio programs is "This I Believe" where ordinary, and sometimes not so ordinary, men and women, state their beliefs in short essays, then read them aloud. The program always ends with the host of the show challenging you to write your own personal belief and send it in. I've been meaning to do it for over a year now, and here it is. It's a really great exercise, both for reflection and for writing, and I'd love to hear some of yours. So if you write one of your own, be sure and tag me in it. Key thing to remember: They don't want to hear about what you don't believe, only affirmative statements. Here's my favorite of all-time. It comes from Sister Helen Prejean, the woman Susan Sarrandon portrays in Dead Man Walking : http://www.thisibelieve.com/?s=advanced&type=&firstname=helen&lastname=prejean&content=&city=&state=&country=&age=&advanced_submit=Search -- "Get In Over Y

I was actually quite pleased with the Divas Live return line-up. Kelly, Jennifer Hudson, and Adele all certainly deserve the title. I don't mind Jordin Sparks or Leona Lewis, and I can even live with Miley. It wasn't until the second half of the show when things got...shall we say...confusing? I loved the idea of the next generation of divas dueting with previous generations, but wouldn't it have made more sense for the divas to duet with women who'd been on Divas Live before? I like India.arie, but there was no need to drag her out so she could sing her one-hit wonder one more time. Stevie Wonder is great, but what is he doing on a Divas concert? Plus, they didn't do the signature "Everybody Sings at the End of the Show" moment. And wouldn't this have been a perfect opportunity to bust out some Mariah/Whitney action? Come on, VH1, even you must have known that a Martina/Jordin duet was going to be lame. That being said, I'm so game for next yea

Top Ten Choices 10) Kids Inc. Rock Band 9) Menudo Rock Band 8) Lisa Lisa Rock Band 7) Debbie Boone Rock Band 6) Tony Orlando and Dawn Rock Band 5) Wilson Phillips Rock Band 4) Lisa Loeb Rock Band 3) En Vogue Rock Band 2) Mama Cass Rock Band ...And my number one vote for a new Rock Band? 1) Amy Grant Rock Band (Come on, are you really surprised?)

Here are my favorite parts of the Oprah Winfrey interview with Whitney Houston based on Monday's show. I need to recover from all this before I can watch part two...slash I'm waiting for someone to upload it on Youtube. - The fact that Whitney has officially morphed into Dionne Warwick. I kept waiting for her to bust out into "Say A Little Prayer." - The fact that she can barely talk, and Oprah has her sing on her show later and then tweets "Whitney blew the roof off the house." That might win the "Really? ...Really?" award of the year. - The fact that Oprah wasted about five minutes before she was asking about Bobby. That woman knows how to get to the good stuff. - "Go with me, Oprah. Go with me." Go with you? Go with you where? Back to the coke dealer? Oprah had to pretend to want to understand how to mix marijuana and cocaine. That was the best "I can't believe you're telling me this shit" smile I've ev

First, read this--http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2009/09/15/pew-study-muslims-and-gays-most-discriminated-in-america/. Here are my ideas for killing two birds with one stone as far as this whole "Everybody Hates Gays and Muslims" problem: 1) A New HBO Show HBO can make anybody like you. What other network could take blood-thirsty mob bosses and blood-thirsty vampires and make them into sex symbols and t-shirts? I say we pitch this idea to HBO--"Haroun the Homo." It'll be the story of a Muslim man coming to terms with his sexuality...and the fact that he's a vampire. (Hey, what do you want from me? Vampires are big now. By the way, how sad is it that fictional, undead assholes are more popular than the gays are right now?) 2) Two New Hosts on The View Why hasn't The View had a lesbian on it yet? Oh sure, Ellen has the lesbian-talk-show-host niche nearly filled--keyword: nearly. I say give Rachel Maddow a day job, and get her on that couch! Even Eli

I knew bringing the VMA's back to New York was going to jumpstart what has been, over the past few years, one gigantic disappointment after another. After all, when was the last time anybody was talking about the VMA's the day after they happened? People talked about Britney trainwrecking and the Jonas Brothers being pissed, but nothing about the show itself. Why they ever left New York in the first place is beyond me. Occasionally the "If it ain't broke...' motto is actually true. The first misstep year was when they went all crazy with the way the show looked, the effect being that it looked awful. By awful I mean, not live. The ratings went down, and the producers attributed it to the show being stagnant. Actually, it was change that killed the show. (Video killed the--never mind.) Then they started jumping all over the country--Vegas, Miami, LA--and each time, the ratings got worse. Finally they figured out that they needed to bring it back to New York, a

So here's a radical idea. A director is going to tell you why you should see his show. That's not the radical part. The radical part is when I'm honest about why should see it. Often today we're given unexciting shows and then we hear spin about how they're going to be exciting because of who's doing them. Well, I'll tell you one thing--you shouldn't see "The Coast of Utopia: Part One--Voyage" because of me. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm fantastic. But that's not a good enough reason to give up an entire night, some money, and your valued attention. These, however, are very good reasons: I have a cast of dedicated, talented, thoughtful people--keyword: talented. Don't come see them because they're nice, because you work with them, go to school with them, or because they see your shows. Come see them because they're so damn good in this show it's astounding. Come see this show because it's about how important art

-- You know I love solo performance, and a terrific one is going to be playing in Providence this upcoming week at Perishable. Check this guy out, he's fantastic. -- STEVIE JAY'S INTERNATIONALLY ACCLAIMED MULTI-CHAKRA EXTRAVAGANZA IS UPON US! Exploding with hysterical monologues, soulful skits, embarrassing observations, and intermittent go-go dancing, Stevie Jay paints a picture of real life on Earth with personal, uncensored stories about relationships, sex, working out at the gym, working out sexual relationships at the gym, and "the endless struggle to remain spiritually-oriented and irresistibly-gorgeous at all times." Wednesday, Sept 16th: FREE admission! Pay as your heart dictates! Pay as you leave! Suggested: $10/minimum. Early arrival recommended! Curtain: 7:30 pm sharp (each night). Meet the artist following the performance! To reserve space for Wednesday night's show, call: 401-331-2695, x 101 SPECIAL! Sun, Sept 20th! Showcase performance of Stevie&#

I've neglected television. Normally, this wouldn't be considered unhealthy, but I grew up on television. It practically raised me. The fact that I've become one of those people who doesn't get references to last night's episode of "Grey's Anatomy" kills me. So I'm doing a Recon mission--granted, I have no idea what that even means. I started tonight. I have a lot of backlogging to do. First off was "Weeds." I'm a few episodes away from finishing off this latest season, and I can see them slowly climbing back to the show they once were. Getting Nancy and Celia back together was a smart move, but I still say that the best plan would be to somehow maneuver the show back towards suburbia. I don't understand why, when a show is clearly successful due to its concept (concept being quirky suburban mom sells pot) the writers/producers feel the need to kill the concept as quickly as possible. (See Sex and the City--you know, when they

First, read this: http://popwatch.ew.com/2009/09/10/ellen-degeneres-american-idol-gah/ I agree with the following: We don't need a fourth judge. We need to get rid of Kara and have Ellen be the third judge. I agree that the contestants should be the focus, but how do you plan ahead of time having contestants that are dynamic and interesting? I think it's a good idea to try and get a dynamic judge in there besides Simon (remember, he's most likely gone in a few years) but I do think a harsher judge would be better-advised. Simon is definitely the voice of the people, but it's because Randy is a racist with no imagination who's still riding his former glory and Kara is--well, who the hell is she anyway? I disagree with the following: Paula gave good feedback this season--maybe because she knew the negotiations were coming up. In addition to that, however, she also was an embarrassment more than once. She was great for watercooler fodder, but she took away fro

Last night, I had something I haven't had in quite some time. A President. Last night, I felt like my party won the election. I felt that we are a majority, not a few straggling Congressmen being bossed around by the GOP. Last night, I finally heard someone acknowledge that there will be no coming to the table on the Health Care issue. Last night, someone FINALLY brought up the fact that a war was rammed through without Congressional support, and that in comparison, "ramming" Health Care through cannot possibly be as damaging. Last night, John McCain once again proved to me that he's a decent guy by decrying his fellow Congressman. Last night, a clear and concise argument for a plan I believe in was laid out and scare tactics were dismissed. Last night, I was proud to have voted for who I voted for in November. Now let's work on today.

After seeing Jay Leno on the cover of Time magazine with the headline--"The Future of Television..." Well, I just had to respond. First off, here's the article: http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1920038,00.html The fact that NBC has given up on substance, which is actually what's being talked about here--that the network has GIVEN UP on SUBSTANCE--or even TRYING for substance--is deplorable. Because the Night Rider revamp didn't work, they think they need to go Jay Leno to save themselves. That's just pathetic. Jay Leno may be one of the worst people on television. His exit on The Tonight Show was a godsend, and the only reason people still want to watch him is: A) Because they're old and B) Because they don't like change. That means they're the most unattractive demographic--so why is anybody trying to appeal to them? Why didn't NBC take a cue from ABC? When they were in last place, they got MORE creative with their programming

You know those ads that appear on the right side of your screen? When you hit the "x" you can also hit "other" and then list a reason for why you object to the ad. This is where the game begins. AD: "Whip It"--The New Drew Barrymore Movie X REASON: Drew Barrymore Killed My Ferret AD: University of Phoenix X REASON: They don't offer a degree in Bejeweled AD: Gay Arabs X REASON: I'm from a red state...a really red state. AD: Celebs on Facebook X REASON: I couldn't find Bonnie Raitt's profile. AD: Knox 52 X REASON: My Grandpa Knox died in 1952. Give it a try.

Now you all know I love shows that involve ghosts, ghostly things, dead people, college boys who believe in Wicca, and shaky camerawork, but what really makes a ghost show great? Here are my guidelines: 1) Haunted Places--Not Things--Places: I don't care how many haunted prisons and old Southern plantations you go to, it's still better than examining a haunted piano. Paranormal State is my favorite ghost-hunting show, but at times they can get a little...well...lame. They investigated a piano--that's right--a piano. Suffice it to say, the episode was less than enthralling. Part of the problem is-- 2) Time Limit--Half hour ghost shows are ridiculous. If you can't fill up an hour, don't bother. I want a good hour of scary stuff, and by the time Paranormal State gets to the investigation, they've only got ten minutes left. It's all sizzle, no ghost steak. 3) Reenactments Aren't Always a Bad Thing--The Discovery Show "A Haunting" offers

-- I hate missing Live Bait, and my only penance is this--the story that could have been. I'm dedicating it to Phil, my story-telling hero. -- "The Parking Garage" I want to tell you about the parking garage. It's really all about the parking garage. The top floor Where I'm standing And I can see the Biltmore And I can see the Performing Arts Center And I can't see my car Because it's a few blocks away And I'm trying I'm trying really hard to see God I should mention that I don't know If I actually believe in God I believe in something It just might not be God It's definitely something though It might be a spirit It might be a connection between souls It might be a giant robot in the sky But it's something And that's what I believe So I'm standing there On the top floor of this parking garage And I'm in a really lousy place How I got to the lousy place Fits into eight different stories Family Growing Up Break-Ups Death Lo

I have accepted that there are things in life I will never understand. Death Hardship The 1830's Yet there is one thing I can't accept that I can't accept. Ryan Seacrest. Let me see if I have this right: Nobody likes him. Everyone thinks he's a tool. He just signed a contract for millions of dollars for continuing to be the tool that nobody likes. Can someone explain this to me? I've had this problem before--(See my previous note: Who likes these people?) Mostly, it's with music, but even with music, everyone loves someone. I can't think of anyone who loves Ryan Seacrest. Let alone people who love him so much they would stop watching American Idol if he weren't on it. I didn't particularly see the problem with Paula leaving, but when I think about it, it makes more sense for her to say on and at least give a couple good crazy moments to the show then to have Ryan who does...What, exactly? The man couldn't even keep a talk show going. Tyra Banks

Hey Kids! It's President Obama, and boy, have I got a speech for you! First, I want you to do something for me. I've sent all of your teachers a box of t-shirts that say "I <3 Communism." Put them on, and wear them all the time! Don't even wash them. If your parents tell you to take them off, then tell them "Better red than dead!" They'll know what you mean. Second, no more Math! Yay, right? YAY! No math! Who needs it anyway? While we're at it, who needs Social Studies? All you need to know about the government is that the President is the coolest guy in the world and everybody else stinks! People who call themselves "Republicans" breathe fire and eat babies. Remember that, kids. Wanna hear something cool? I wasn't even born in this country and I'm the President! Your Social Studies teachers will tell you that it's not possible to become President if you're not born in the country, but they're wrong

"If My Life Were a Soap Opera" Name: Kevin Broccoli Soap Opera Title: "Scandal, Tennessee" Summary: Set in a small town filled with secrets, "Scandal, Tennessee" follows the residents of Scandal, Tennessee, as they deal with scandals, secrets, life in a small town, and more secrets. Characters: Kevin Broccolitti, a visitor to the town who ends up trapped there, caught in a deadly love triangle...as well as a murder mystery...and a really Italian last name. Trey Holton, the town's mayor and its richest citizen. He may or may not have killed several people in the late 70's in a plot to cover up an oil spill that occurred when his twin brother (one of the murder victims) took a big barrel of oil and poured it into the lake...just because. Trey is determined to hold onto his job as mayor...and his secrets. Lydia Holton, Trey's wife, a former heroin junkie who cleaned up her act long enough to marry rich and do it in style. She may or may not

First, read this: http://popwatch.ew.com/2009/08/28/meryl-streep-movies-kramer-sophies-choice/ I disagree completely. I can see arguing that Kramer vs. Kramer is not the best show of her talents. That movie belonged to Dustin Hoffman. That being said, it is without a doubt a terrific film. I object to the term "modern classic" anyway, because I feel it's an oxymoron. Films need time to pass before they can truly be judged on their quality--look at Office Space, It's a Wonderful Life, etc. Now we come to Sophie's Choice, and this is where I have to make a strange argument. When a film's quality is hinging on an actor's performance, and the actor nails it, the film benefits. So is the movie fantastic or can you not say that because it's based primarily on the performance? Norma Rae is a great movie, but without Sally Field, who knows? I think in these cases you have to give credit to the actor, but also acknowledge that the movie itself is great--ev