Hey Kids!
It's President Obama, and boy, have I got a speech for you!
First, I want you to do something for me. I've sent all of your teachers a box of t-shirts that say "I <3 Communism." Put them on, and wear them all the time! Don't even wash them. If your parents tell you to take them off, then tell them "Better red than dead!" They'll know what you mean.
Second, no more Math! Yay, right? YAY! No math! Who needs it anyway? While we're at it, who needs Social Studies? All you need to know about the government is that the President is the coolest guy in the world and everybody else stinks! People who call themselves "Republicans" breathe fire and eat babies. Remember that, kids.
Wanna hear something cool? I wasn't even born in this country and I'm the President! Your Social Studies teachers will tell you that it's not possible to become President if you're not born in the country, but they're wrong! Anything is possible! That's what Karl Marx said! Do you know who he was? He was the coolest guy in the world and he invented bubblegum and love and joy and he was a lot like Santa Clause, who we're not going to talk about anymore because he's just Christian propaganda. Okay? Yay!
Third, I'm double-jointed! Isn't that cool?
Fourth, if you all are good and convince your parents to vote for the public option--again, they'll know what that means--I'll buy you all ice cream! I really will! And Miley Cyrus will come to all your schools--possibly in chains if she resists--and she'll perform for all of you! Just as soon as you push my agen--I mean, help your parents believe the truth--all kinds of great stuff will happen.
Fifth, you have next Friday off. Yay, right? Yay! From now on, that day will be a National Holiday known as Jihad Day. That's because your President is Islamic. Do you know what that means? It means Jesus was wrong, and so are your parents if they tell you differently! It also means that your unmarried women teachers should be stoned--and they will be too--that's why we're giving you Friday off. And on Monday, some of you will have brand new teachers who are way more fun than your sinful old ones! Yay!
Finally, I want you all to work hard this year, because if you don't, I'll ship you off to labor camps where you'll work alongside your treasonous parents and all the Senators who don't like me. Hahaha--so get to work.
And have a great year!
It's President Obama, and boy, have I got a speech for you!
First, I want you to do something for me. I've sent all of your teachers a box of t-shirts that say "I <3 Communism." Put them on, and wear them all the time! Don't even wash them. If your parents tell you to take them off, then tell them "Better red than dead!" They'll know what you mean.
Second, no more Math! Yay, right? YAY! No math! Who needs it anyway? While we're at it, who needs Social Studies? All you need to know about the government is that the President is the coolest guy in the world and everybody else stinks! People who call themselves "Republicans" breathe fire and eat babies. Remember that, kids.
Wanna hear something cool? I wasn't even born in this country and I'm the President! Your Social Studies teachers will tell you that it's not possible to become President if you're not born in the country, but they're wrong! Anything is possible! That's what Karl Marx said! Do you know who he was? He was the coolest guy in the world and he invented bubblegum and love and joy and he was a lot like Santa Clause, who we're not going to talk about anymore because he's just Christian propaganda. Okay? Yay!
Third, I'm double-jointed! Isn't that cool?
Fourth, if you all are good and convince your parents to vote for the public option--again, they'll know what that means--I'll buy you all ice cream! I really will! And Miley Cyrus will come to all your schools--possibly in chains if she resists--and she'll perform for all of you! Just as soon as you push my agen--I mean, help your parents believe the truth--all kinds of great stuff will happen.
Fifth, you have next Friday off. Yay, right? Yay! From now on, that day will be a National Holiday known as Jihad Day. That's because your President is Islamic. Do you know what that means? It means Jesus was wrong, and so are your parents if they tell you differently! It also means that your unmarried women teachers should be stoned--and they will be too--that's why we're giving you Friday off. And on Monday, some of you will have brand new teachers who are way more fun than your sinful old ones! Yay!
Finally, I want you all to work hard this year, because if you don't, I'll ship you off to labor camps where you'll work alongside your treasonous parents and all the Senators who don't like me. Hahaha--so get to work.
And have a great year!
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