So Andy Rooney has opinions, does he? Well, that's quite fair. Here's my opinion of Andy Rooney:
1) When Sixty Minutes shoves you at the end of the show, only giving you thirty seconds to say what you think, while giving the segment on "Transvestite Hookers from Australia" fifteen minutes, obviously they feel the same way about your opinion as I do.
2) Someone in Andy Rooney's family is either black, spanish, non-English speaking, gay, bisexual, perverted, claustrophobic, or just plain stupid--that's my law of probability.
3) "I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them."
- He likes watching men in speedos touch each other, why am I not surprised?
4) "I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be 'African-Americans?' Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else."
- I think he should be required to call himself a "Old and Senile American" since he lives in America AND he's old and senile. That would make up for him not mentioning that his great ancestors probably cleaned Queen Victoria's latrine for a living.
5) "I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies."
- It also goes to people who can't find a cushy job getting paid to spout their hateful remarks on CBS for a living--but I'd hate to take your big boat away from you, Andy.
6) "Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. Yes, I can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game."
- HOWEVER- guns can help you take out lots of people at a time, they facilitate the ability for killers to kill--bats are meant for playing baseball, guns are meant to kill.
7) "I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!"
--Hmm, now who didn't get laid in highschool...could it be...HIM?
Here comes my favorite:
8) "I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion."
--And if I feel old people should be locked in caves while the gays cavort around to the tune of "YMCA" then that's my opinion--isn't having opinions great, Andy?
9) "I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss. White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door."
-- Yeah, I don't know what the blacks are so upset about--I mean, besides slavery, segregation, Rosewood, the South, Little Rock, the Nine Dead Girls, lynch mobs, the "N" word, stereotypes, minstrel shows, and exploitation--they've had it sooooooo easy.
10) "I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off."
-- And I have the right to spit on you, but I don't--cause I'm nice and you have a gate in front of your house.
11) "I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the above lines."
-- Now nobody ever looks at an old Italian guy or Portugese guy and goes "LEARN ENGLISH"--wonder how come that is? If you're prejudiced against certain groups, have the balls to say it, but don't make blanket statements you know aren't true. And by the way some people don't get the courtesy of a "Freeze" or "Stop" they just get a quick judgment by someone who hasn't been on the job long enough to merit having the ability to take someone else's life because they don't have the wisdom to know when it calls for it--See Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink.
12) I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries.
-- Said the man who looks like the offspring of Gandhi and a prune danish. Eat a lot of fries, Andy? The fast food industry would lose billions if you became their poster boy. "I like my fries served to me by a hot tamale who looks Amish and ready to party."
13) It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
-- They never smacked on the Gilmore Girls. Point made? I think so.
13) "My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business."
-- First off, everybody at one point had their families come to America and need help getting started, some of our ancestors were hard workers who made it by the skin of their teeth and some were lazy bastards who got lucky and procreated enough to create us--the point is, we're no better than anybody else coming to America now hoping for that opportunity that we all benefit from on a daily basis just because we were LUCKY enough to be born Americans, and no, Mr. Rooney, your father and grandfather died so that people could have the right to criticize the country they live in with the purpose of making it better and the citizens in it as well.
It's meant to be a melting pot, remember? Americans, by nature, are diverse. If you don't like that, move to Canada--and shut the hell up.
1) When Sixty Minutes shoves you at the end of the show, only giving you thirty seconds to say what you think, while giving the segment on "Transvestite Hookers from Australia" fifteen minutes, obviously they feel the same way about your opinion as I do.
2) Someone in Andy Rooney's family is either black, spanish, non-English speaking, gay, bisexual, perverted, claustrophobic, or just plain stupid--that's my law of probability.
3) "I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them."
- He likes watching men in speedos touch each other, why am I not surprised?
4) "I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be 'African-Americans?' Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else."
- I think he should be required to call himself a "Old and Senile American" since he lives in America AND he's old and senile. That would make up for him not mentioning that his great ancestors probably cleaned Queen Victoria's latrine for a living.
5) "I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies."
- It also goes to people who can't find a cushy job getting paid to spout their hateful remarks on CBS for a living--but I'd hate to take your big boat away from you, Andy.
6) "Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. Yes, I can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game."
- HOWEVER- guns can help you take out lots of people at a time, they facilitate the ability for killers to kill--bats are meant for playing baseball, guns are meant to kill.
7) "I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!"
--Hmm, now who didn't get laid in highschool...could it be...HIM?
Here comes my favorite:
8) "I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion."
--And if I feel old people should be locked in caves while the gays cavort around to the tune of "YMCA" then that's my opinion--isn't having opinions great, Andy?
9) "I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss. White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door."
-- Yeah, I don't know what the blacks are so upset about--I mean, besides slavery, segregation, Rosewood, the South, Little Rock, the Nine Dead Girls, lynch mobs, the "N" word, stereotypes, minstrel shows, and exploitation--they've had it sooooooo easy.
10) "I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off."
-- And I have the right to spit on you, but I don't--cause I'm nice and you have a gate in front of your house.
11) "I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the above lines."
-- Now nobody ever looks at an old Italian guy or Portugese guy and goes "LEARN ENGLISH"--wonder how come that is? If you're prejudiced against certain groups, have the balls to say it, but don't make blanket statements you know aren't true. And by the way some people don't get the courtesy of a "Freeze" or "Stop" they just get a quick judgment by someone who hasn't been on the job long enough to merit having the ability to take someone else's life because they don't have the wisdom to know when it calls for it--See Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink.
12) I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries.
-- Said the man who looks like the offspring of Gandhi and a prune danish. Eat a lot of fries, Andy? The fast food industry would lose billions if you became their poster boy. "I like my fries served to me by a hot tamale who looks Amish and ready to party."
13) It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
-- They never smacked on the Gilmore Girls. Point made? I think so.
13) "My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business."
-- First off, everybody at one point had their families come to America and need help getting started, some of our ancestors were hard workers who made it by the skin of their teeth and some were lazy bastards who got lucky and procreated enough to create us--the point is, we're no better than anybody else coming to America now hoping for that opportunity that we all benefit from on a daily basis just because we were LUCKY enough to be born Americans, and no, Mr. Rooney, your father and grandfather died so that people could have the right to criticize the country they live in with the purpose of making it better and the citizens in it as well.
It's meant to be a melting pot, remember? Americans, by nature, are diverse. If you don't like that, move to Canada--and shut the hell up.
Comments
Post a Comment