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My Dream Job, or Torture

It sounds a little strange.

First off, anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm a very practical person--probably overly practical.

So although it would seem like my dream job would be something more artistic; it's actually practical--even by dream standards.

I have always wanted to be...

A personal assistant.

I have no idea why, but the idea of being someone's go-to guy is incredibly appealing to me. I'm the only I know who watches "The Devil Wears Prada" and feels envious of Anne Hathaway's character.

I like the idea of being at someone's beck and call. When I first discovered this, it concerned me. I was terrified that I was going to end up bent over a desk while James Spader spanked me...Terrifying, I know.

Then I realized I just loving being able to completely to-do lists.

I'm a to-do list whore.

I make to-do lists for fun, and when I get an entire list accomplished in the time I've allotted myself--it's like Christmas.

(Call it Porn for People with O.C.D.)

So the idea of having a to-do list presented to me every day, and then getting PAID to get it done, is more than I can even bear to think about without getting upset that I'm not doing it now.

I dream of being on a cell phone, screamed at hourly because I forgot to pick up a certain brand of mushrooms. I fantasize about getting to my tiny little desk in the morning and seeing a note instructing me to print out all the lyrics to everything LL Cool J ever wrote.

The thought of getting home at five o'clock only to have a text message sent to me telling me that I'm house-sitting for the first two weeks of October...

I shudder with pleasure at the thought of it.

God, if you're up there--here are the Top Five people I would like to Assist. As always, it is a very practical list. I'm not asking to be Oprah's right-hand man--I'm pretty sure that job is divided up amongst forty very tired people--I'm just asking for a few simple celebrities to bump into me at some point in my life and demand that I pick up their dry-cleaning.

They are--

1) Patti LaBelle--Oh my gosh, how much fun would working for Patti LaBelle be? And even if she's a total bitch, she'd feed you 'Heaven Help Me' Mac and Cheese. Sounds like a good deal to me.

2) Katherine Dunn--The author of "Geek Love," my favorite book, definitely needs me. The woman wrote one of the greatest novels of all time and hasn't done anything since. Hire me, Katherine! I can type really fast!

3) Lark Voorhies--Once she signs up for that "Saved by the Bell" reunion, her career is going to TAKE OFF. As an added bonus, I know just what to get for Tiffani Thiessen when Lark forgets her birthday.

4) Mira Sorvino--Because really, how much does she have going on that I'd have to organize? "Dinner w/Lisa Kudrow cancelled...Again"

5) George Clooney--Okay, so maybe ALL my choices aren't practical.

There has to be some "dream" in my dream job, doesn't there?

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