Dear VH1,
Thank you for bringing back Divas Live. As a little gay child, I used to anticipate the Divas concert every year--much like how I imagine normal children anticipated Easter or Flag Day.
Divas '99 with Tina, Cher, and Whitney may have been the gayest night ever recorded in the history of television. Tina and Cher, with Elton John on back-up, belting out "Proud Mary" was so incredible, I blacked out during it and woke up halfway through high school with streaks in my hair wearing skinny jeans.
Now, after a far-too-long hiatus (and, let's face it, a few failed opportunies--See Divas Duets where none of the Divas actually dueted with each other aside from Beyonce and...horrible flashback...Jewel) the show is coming back.
I could barely contain my excitement. Then I heard the line-up, and I contained that excitement faster than my mother contains potato salad at a 4th of July party.
Let's list the artists in order of how happy I am to see them:
Adele - Amazing, but not a diva
Kelly - Terrific, but only a semi-diva
Leona - Two songs does not make you Divas Live worthy--It only leads to embarrassment when you can't fill up a whole slot--(See Mary J. Blige, who they asked back every year even when she had nothing new to sing.)
Miley - Are you kidding me?
Since I can't do anything about the line-up, I have a few suggestions as to how you can make the most of your Divas concert. It involves the duets you should have given us years ago, lots of cameos, and NO, I repeat, NO Housewives from Anywhere introducing any of the acts.
Got that?
First off, milk the whole "passing of the Diva torch" aspect. Make this the Divas of Tomorrow concert. That way we can work in all the Divas of yesterday.
So here's my idea--
The Opening: The lights come up on Kelly doing "My Life Would Suck Without U." Then have Jordin Sparks, Carrie Underwood, and Fantasia join her onstage. Have the four of them split up "Lady Marmalade." An All-Idol Opening--you can even throw in Paula as long as she agrees to sing "Cold-Hearted."
The Adele Slot: Okay, so you're going to have her sing "Chasing Pavement," obviously. Then her do "Cold Shoulder" and have Duffy come out and sing with her. Then she can turn over the stage to Duffy, who'll do "Mercy," then back to Adele who can bring on Stevie Knicks and the three of them can do "Landslide."
The Miley Slot: Here's the plan: We're going to fill this slot with other people who actually deserve it. Have her do "See You Again" with Kelly as a duet. (The more Kelly we can squeeze into this show, the better.) Then have her do "The Climb." Then have her end dressed up as Hannah North Dakota doing "One Way or Another" with Debbie Harry.
The Leona Slot: Open with "Better in Time," then have her bring back on Adele AND Roberta Flack so she can do her cover of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," then "Bleeding Love."
The Kelly Slot: Open with "I Do Not Hook Up" Then go to "Miss Independent" with Christina (who can redeem herself for doing "Men Strike Back). Move onto "A Moment Like This." Finish with her kickass version of "Without You," and if the bitch can still handle it, have Mariah come out and sing it with her.
Then We Come to the Show-Stopper: The Whitney Medley
Adele: "Where Do Broken Hearts Go"
Miley: "How Will I Know" (Obviously a few keys lower)
Leona: "I Have Nothing"
Christina (Why Not, She's There Anyway): "So Emotional"
Kelly: "I Believe in You and Me"
The Curtains Part--and there's Whitney. She'll do the comeback song, "I Didn't Know My Own Dealer," or whatever it is, then have her do whatever her voice can handle--But hopefully it'll be something from the good years, pre-My Love is Your Love.
Then everybody gets onstage and sings "I Wanna Dance with Somebody."
Ratings...Gold
Feel free to send me a gift basket for these suggestions, VH1. I like Peanut M&M's and pink bath oils. And please, next year, don't make my job so difficult.
Sincerely,
Kevin
Thank you for bringing back Divas Live. As a little gay child, I used to anticipate the Divas concert every year--much like how I imagine normal children anticipated Easter or Flag Day.
Divas '99 with Tina, Cher, and Whitney may have been the gayest night ever recorded in the history of television. Tina and Cher, with Elton John on back-up, belting out "Proud Mary" was so incredible, I blacked out during it and woke up halfway through high school with streaks in my hair wearing skinny jeans.
Now, after a far-too-long hiatus (and, let's face it, a few failed opportunies--See Divas Duets where none of the Divas actually dueted with each other aside from Beyonce and...horrible flashback...Jewel) the show is coming back.
I could barely contain my excitement. Then I heard the line-up, and I contained that excitement faster than my mother contains potato salad at a 4th of July party.
Let's list the artists in order of how happy I am to see them:
Adele - Amazing, but not a diva
Kelly - Terrific, but only a semi-diva
Leona - Two songs does not make you Divas Live worthy--It only leads to embarrassment when you can't fill up a whole slot--(See Mary J. Blige, who they asked back every year even when she had nothing new to sing.)
Miley - Are you kidding me?
Since I can't do anything about the line-up, I have a few suggestions as to how you can make the most of your Divas concert. It involves the duets you should have given us years ago, lots of cameos, and NO, I repeat, NO Housewives from Anywhere introducing any of the acts.
Got that?
First off, milk the whole "passing of the Diva torch" aspect. Make this the Divas of Tomorrow concert. That way we can work in all the Divas of yesterday.
So here's my idea--
The Opening: The lights come up on Kelly doing "My Life Would Suck Without U." Then have Jordin Sparks, Carrie Underwood, and Fantasia join her onstage. Have the four of them split up "Lady Marmalade." An All-Idol Opening--you can even throw in Paula as long as she agrees to sing "Cold-Hearted."
The Adele Slot: Okay, so you're going to have her sing "Chasing Pavement," obviously. Then her do "Cold Shoulder" and have Duffy come out and sing with her. Then she can turn over the stage to Duffy, who'll do "Mercy," then back to Adele who can bring on Stevie Knicks and the three of them can do "Landslide."
The Miley Slot: Here's the plan: We're going to fill this slot with other people who actually deserve it. Have her do "See You Again" with Kelly as a duet. (The more Kelly we can squeeze into this show, the better.) Then have her do "The Climb." Then have her end dressed up as Hannah North Dakota doing "One Way or Another" with Debbie Harry.
The Leona Slot: Open with "Better in Time," then have her bring back on Adele AND Roberta Flack so she can do her cover of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," then "Bleeding Love."
The Kelly Slot: Open with "I Do Not Hook Up" Then go to "Miss Independent" with Christina (who can redeem herself for doing "Men Strike Back). Move onto "A Moment Like This." Finish with her kickass version of "Without You," and if the bitch can still handle it, have Mariah come out and sing it with her.
Then We Come to the Show-Stopper: The Whitney Medley
Adele: "Where Do Broken Hearts Go"
Miley: "How Will I Know" (Obviously a few keys lower)
Leona: "I Have Nothing"
Christina (Why Not, She's There Anyway): "So Emotional"
Kelly: "I Believe in You and Me"
The Curtains Part--and there's Whitney. She'll do the comeback song, "I Didn't Know My Own Dealer," or whatever it is, then have her do whatever her voice can handle--But hopefully it'll be something from the good years, pre-My Love is Your Love.
Then everybody gets onstage and sings "I Wanna Dance with Somebody."
Ratings...Gold
Feel free to send me a gift basket for these suggestions, VH1. I like Peanut M&M's and pink bath oils. And please, next year, don't make my job so difficult.
Sincerely,
Kevin
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