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The DeFriend

It happens every day.

You log onto Facebook, and you notice that your Friends list is short a person...or two.

In this case, I happened to know exactly who I was short.

I've known "Willard Scott" for almost ten years, and in that time, he has added and defriended me a total of three times.

Okay, maybe I'm doing the adding and he's doing the defriending, but you get the point.

BRAD: The point is you're insane.

I assembled a roundtable of some of my closest friends to discuss what to do with defrienders--and by assembled, I mean, I promised them free liquor.

BRAD: Hence, my presence.

Along with Brad, I had invited Beth and Ritchie to be my Sherri and Whoopi.

BETH: Wait, am I Whoopi?
ME: You're whoever's drunk the most.
BETH: Okay, so I'm Barbara then.
RITCHIE: Can I be Elisabeth? I like being the villain, and I actually found Sarah Palin to be rather quirky.
ME: You can all be whoever you want to be as long as you stick to the topic.
BRAD: I'm Oprah. Now let's talk.

I briefed them on the DeFriend.

BRAD: What do you care? You have more friends on Facebook than the state of Illinois.
ME: And now when I go to Illinois, I'll already have friends.

See the logic?

BETH: I think Brad was wondering why you care about this particular person?
ME: Because he actually knows me!
RITCHIE: Do you get along?
ME: We're civil.
BRAD: Being civil and being friends isn't the same thing.
ME: And?
BRAD: AND it's called a 'Friends' list, not a 'People I Tolerate' list.
ME: Oh, please. Plenty of people are friends with people they're not really friendly with--being friends with someone on a social network just because you have to be is one of the pillars of our current society.
BETH: He's sort of right. I'm friends with this guy I work with that has a lazy eye and calls me 'Annette.'
RITCHIE: I'm friends with my tenth grade homeroom teacher.
BRAD: That's ridiculous.
RITCHIE: Not if you consider the fact that I slept with him.
ALL: Ewww!
RITCHIE: Not while I was IN the tenth grade.

I don't know why the DeFriend upset me so much. Maybe it's because I figured I'd have to be pretty awful for him not to even want to know I exist.

BETH: It's not necessarily that drastic.
ME: Then why defriend me?
RITCHIE: Because you update your status and add notes every other minute. There are days when my entire feed are you.
BRAD: Friend Arianna Huffington. She'll steal that wall back, trust me.
ME: Is it possible that he just doesn't like me?

Silence

BRAD: Anything's...possible.

Beth cleared her throat--or took another drink--I can't remember which one.

BETH: Kevin, let's get down to business. Have you ever kept in touch with this guy?
ME: Not really.
BETH: Have you inquired about his life even--oh let's say--once a year?
ME: Uh...no.
BETH: Do you even regularly check his profile?
RITCHIE: That's the true test. If I don't stalk your profile and wonder if you're talking about me whenever you take surveys and answer the 'Who do you have a crush on' question with a wink face then I don't really consider you 'being in my life.'

I guess I haven't really made an effort to keep in touch, so maybe DeFriend figured it was finally just time to end the charade.

BRAD: It's not like he blocked you. If he blocked you, then I could see getting upset.
ME: Well maybe people have blocked me. It's not like I would know.
RITCHIE: I think when people defriend or block you they should have to let you know. If you're going to do something that drastic you should stand behind it.
BETH: What do you want them to do? Send you a message. 'I think you're a tool--Blocked.'
ME: You know what? I agree with Ritchie.
BRAD: Shocker.
ME: I bet it would make a lot more people feel better if they knew that maybe the only reason they were being defriended or blocked was because the other person just didn't want to have a lot of friends they don't talk to on their friends list.
BETH: Or because they're worried their ex-boyfriend who they blocked is checking their profile via their ex's friend's profile?
ME: Did that happen to you, Beth?
BETH: No! I was not looking at his profile using Carly's--Oh, uh...no. I mean...no.

Rather than get any more upset, I decided to take the proactive route.

I messaged DeFriend asking how he'd been doing. I inquired into his life. And I didn't just shoot enough another Friend Request to guilt him into adding me again just because we know each other.

In other words, I wanted to earn that Friend Request this time.

RITCHIE: You're so getting blocked.

Probably.

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