Skip to main content

Adopting Balloon Boy

I have joyous news.

I'm adopting...Balloon Boy.

I thought long and hard about it, and I decided this was a change I needed to make in my life.

...Okay, who am I kidding? I really just want a reality show.

Clearly, I'm not going to be an 80's has-been anytime soon, so the only other way to get a show on extended cable was to have a quirky and foul-mouthed child that I could make hide in a box while I pull off a publicity stunt.

I considered the +8 kids, but to be honest, they're a little bit country, and I'm a little bit rock 'n roll.

I wouldn't even have to change his name.

I mean, c'mon--Falcon? He already sounds like a Behind the Music episode.

(Didn't Falcon sing "Girl, You're My Guitar Pick?")

Falcon seems like the kind of kid who could keep up with my party boy lifestyle.

Granted, we can never go to Arkansas, because gays aren't allowed to adopt children there, but c'mon, can we really call that a loss? Unless I plan on starting a goat farm or visiting the world's biggest cucumber, I think I'm all set.

Kind of funny though, how there are places where I'm considered an unfit parent, but Falcon's Dad and Mail-Order Mom are allowed to procreate to their heart's content without anybody stopping them.

So how, you may ask, do I plan on adopting a kid when I have no biological or legal claim to him?

I'm not entirely sure yet, but I figure if I can just get him into the actual balloon (for real this time) have him fly over to Africa, land somewhere near Kenya, and then meet him there with Madonna's lawyer, it'll all work itself out.

Now for the reason I'm making this public--

The Baby Shower.

I'm registered at the Apple Store.

...What? The kid's been traumatized.

As my parents taught me, you can't heal all wounds--without really expensive band-aids.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A List of People Who Can Go to Hell Now That I Can't Have Elizabeth Warren

So today was a rough day for everybody who isn't a @#$%-ing #$%hole. Let's just start there. If that upsets you, by all means, go straight to hell. This entire rant is going to be exactly what it sounds like. I am mad and I am going to exercise my right to BLOG ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S 1995, SO BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP. I really don't even know where to start, so let's just jump right in with the first person who comes to mind. Bloomberg, go to hell.  You really didn't have anything specific to do with today, but you can just go to hell for spending an ungodly amount of money on literally nothing.  I mean, you could have lit millions of dollars on fire and at least warmed the hands of the homeless, but instead, you made tv stations across the country that are already owned by Conservatives rich, so kudos to you and go to hell. Amy Klobuchar, I STUCK UP FOR YOU AMY.  I got into FIGHTS on SOCIAL MEDIA while DEFENDING your sorry, self-interested ass.  You know ...
42 comments
Read more

Theater and the Outbreak

After last week's interview, a representative from a theater that recently experienced the results of opening too soon reached out to speak with me. I want to thank this person for coming forward in the hopes that it'll change some minds about what's safe and what isn't when it comes to the performing arts. Here's the interview: ME:  So this wasn't a full production or-- THEM:  No. It was us trying to do a little something for friends and donors. ME:  Who is 'us?' THEM:  The board of _____. ME:  And how long have you been on the board? THEM:  Three years. ME:  What was this going to be? THEM:  There's a, uh, beautiful park here in town, and we wanted to do an outdoor performance of a Shakespeare as a benefit, because, as you know, theaters are having a hard time right now paying the bills. We checked with the local government and the health department for the state to make sure we were doing everything the way we needed to in order to keep everyon...
7 comments
Read more

People You Know Are More Important Than People You Don't Know

This post is in response to arguing with people--straight and gay alike--about a certain celebrity, whether or not she's an ally, if she's pandering, if pandering matters, and whether or not I'm an asshole. The last part is probably an enthusiastic "Yes" but let's reflect on this for a bit anyway without actually giving more time to an argument about a person none of us know, which is a crucial part of what I want to talk about. People you know are more important than people you don't know. I realize it's tricky in an age where we've never been closer or more engaged to our celebrities to keep in mind that we do not know them, they are not our friends, and while we may love them and stan and feel like we're attacked when they're attacked-- That is not true. That is not real. They are in no tangible way connected to us. Now, as someone who is obsessed with pop culture, I get that it's a little hypocritical for me to be making...
Post a Comment
Read more