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Top Ten Ways I Celebrate Halloween

10) I buy eighteen bags of Peanut M&M's and make sure to save at least half of one for the children.

9) I toilet paper Glenn Beck's house.

8) I dress up like a clown, walk by a mirror, and pass out from fright.

7) I do the Monster Mash (Or at least, what I imagine is the Monster Mash. I drop it like it's hot while wearing a Mummy costume. That's the Monster Mash, right?)

6) I read my journal from junior high (now that's a tale from the crypt).

5) I watch Ernest Scared Stupid and pretend that the little f**ked up troll doesn't terrify me. (Then I put in Ernest Goes to Jail to calm me down. Wait a minute, was Ernest really just Tyler Perry? Or is it the other way around?)

4) I take Suri Cruise trick or treating (She only T&T's in Malibu, where it's more like Trick or IPod Touch).

3) I name my nipples Magenta and Columbia.

2) I host the A-List Goonies party at my house. This year both Corey Feldman AND Corey Haim made an appearance (I think someone forgot to tell Corey H that we weren't celebrating The Lost Boys).

1) Two words: Hocus Pocus.

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