Let me explain to you what happens when you win the Nobel Peace Prize.
First, whatever country you live in is invaded by pirates and lemurs. The lemurs eat all the candy and the pirates pillage eight random cities every day.
This morning, when Obama got the phone call letting him know he'd won the Nobel Prize, the pirates were already descending on Detroit, Topeka, Springfield, Springfield, Springfield, Boston, Tallahassee, and Cheyenne.
(The Springfields were in different states, obvi.)
Once the lemurs and the pirates are done, you break out in boils, and then one eyeball turns a different color, which sounds pretty tame, except the color it turns is Horse Manure Brown.
Your wife goes from being a hottie to looking like the Cryptkeeper.
Toni Morrison shows up at your house and reads "Jazz" to you backwards, and if you thought that novel was impossible forwards, just you wait.
Oprah stops returning your phone calls, and tells people she's "like, so over you."
George Clooney cancels your bro-date.
Your book falls off the best-seller list, and in its place goes "Rush Me to Sexy Town" Rush Limbaugh's latest autobiography.
And you deserve all this, because you got the Nobel Peace Prize WITHOUT EARNING IT!
Forget that you won an election based solely on hope and positive thinking. Forget that you're trying to reduce nuclear arms. Forget that you brought back a shine to America's reputation. For that you should get a gold sticker on your potty chart, not a Nobel Prize!
How dare you receive this award that you clearly gave to yourself after bribing the most prestigious award committee in the world with free trips to the Smithsonian and season passes to the Bulls!
You have to refuse it. Refuse it or you will pay. You will lose the next election, Palin will win, and shooting orphans from a helicopter will become the next Olympic sport.
This award is a curse put on you by Satan, otherwise known as you--yourself. You gave this to yourself! It's all so clear to me now!
There is a message here. That message is that you are a bad person who has done bad things, and the word peace really means war, and the Olsens aren't really twins, and if you shout anything on Fox News loud enough with captions underneath you it means it's true!
SO THERE!
. . . . .
By the way, your left eye is looking a little funny...just sayin...
First, whatever country you live in is invaded by pirates and lemurs. The lemurs eat all the candy and the pirates pillage eight random cities every day.
This morning, when Obama got the phone call letting him know he'd won the Nobel Prize, the pirates were already descending on Detroit, Topeka, Springfield, Springfield, Springfield, Boston, Tallahassee, and Cheyenne.
(The Springfields were in different states, obvi.)
Once the lemurs and the pirates are done, you break out in boils, and then one eyeball turns a different color, which sounds pretty tame, except the color it turns is Horse Manure Brown.
Your wife goes from being a hottie to looking like the Cryptkeeper.
Toni Morrison shows up at your house and reads "Jazz" to you backwards, and if you thought that novel was impossible forwards, just you wait.
Oprah stops returning your phone calls, and tells people she's "like, so over you."
George Clooney cancels your bro-date.
Your book falls off the best-seller list, and in its place goes "Rush Me to Sexy Town" Rush Limbaugh's latest autobiography.
And you deserve all this, because you got the Nobel Peace Prize WITHOUT EARNING IT!
Forget that you won an election based solely on hope and positive thinking. Forget that you're trying to reduce nuclear arms. Forget that you brought back a shine to America's reputation. For that you should get a gold sticker on your potty chart, not a Nobel Prize!
How dare you receive this award that you clearly gave to yourself after bribing the most prestigious award committee in the world with free trips to the Smithsonian and season passes to the Bulls!
You have to refuse it. Refuse it or you will pay. You will lose the next election, Palin will win, and shooting orphans from a helicopter will become the next Olympic sport.
This award is a curse put on you by Satan, otherwise known as you--yourself. You gave this to yourself! It's all so clear to me now!
There is a message here. That message is that you are a bad person who has done bad things, and the word peace really means war, and the Olsens aren't really twins, and if you shout anything on Fox News loud enough with captions underneath you it means it's true!
SO THERE!
. . . . .
By the way, your left eye is looking a little funny...just sayin...
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