Lately, I've been noticing that closet cases are doing an awful job of staying in the metaphorical closet.
It seems to me that closet cases used to be, you know, discreet.
They were quiet. They overcompensated. They got married to ugly women.
These were the rules.
Now, it seems like the closet cases want all the rights the open gays have, but without actually, you know, saying they're gay.
This cannot go on.
You can't use the equipment, if you don't join the gym.
So here's my advice to closet cases:
1) Stop watching Glee. Girls and gay men enjoy glee. If you're not a girl, you're gay. When you come out, you can laugh and sing and have fun with the rest of us. Until then, stick to ESPN and pretend you care about wild cards and touchdowns.
2) Stop dressing nicely. Yes, the metros dress nicely as well, but you've surpassed them. They strive to look neat, whereas you're walking around with eye shadow and bracelets on while saying things like "I just haven't met the right girl yet." When you come out, you can wear whatever you want. Until then, you're stuck with mismatched outfits that don't show off your figure. We all hate looking at it as much as you hate wearing it, but that's how it has to be.
3) Stop pretending it's normal to have that many girlfriends. I have many straight guy friends who have girl friends, but when you have NOTHING BUT girlfriends, and you've never have a girlfriend with that extra special meaning; you're gay. When you come out, you can hang with the ladies all you like, but until then, you're stuck playing poker with a bunch of breast men while 'Girls Gone Wild: San Diego Surprise' plays in the background.
4) Stop going to gay bars. There is absolutely no reason for a straight man to be in a gay bar unless he has been dragged there kicking and screaming by the hottest woman he knows and then immediately has sex with her afterwards. A man who goes to a gay bar on a regular basis is gay. Just like a guy who goes to a CD store every week is most likely a music lover. It's all in the adjectives.
5) Stop having sex with men. This makes you gay. It's pretty cut and dry. There are other terms, but when you have sex with men; you're definitely not straight.
Keep all this in mind while you're in the closet. If it seems uncomfortable in there, consider an alternative.
Just sayin'
It seems to me that closet cases used to be, you know, discreet.
They were quiet. They overcompensated. They got married to ugly women.
These were the rules.
Now, it seems like the closet cases want all the rights the open gays have, but without actually, you know, saying they're gay.
This cannot go on.
You can't use the equipment, if you don't join the gym.
So here's my advice to closet cases:
1) Stop watching Glee. Girls and gay men enjoy glee. If you're not a girl, you're gay. When you come out, you can laugh and sing and have fun with the rest of us. Until then, stick to ESPN and pretend you care about wild cards and touchdowns.
2) Stop dressing nicely. Yes, the metros dress nicely as well, but you've surpassed them. They strive to look neat, whereas you're walking around with eye shadow and bracelets on while saying things like "I just haven't met the right girl yet." When you come out, you can wear whatever you want. Until then, you're stuck with mismatched outfits that don't show off your figure. We all hate looking at it as much as you hate wearing it, but that's how it has to be.
3) Stop pretending it's normal to have that many girlfriends. I have many straight guy friends who have girl friends, but when you have NOTHING BUT girlfriends, and you've never have a girlfriend with that extra special meaning; you're gay. When you come out, you can hang with the ladies all you like, but until then, you're stuck playing poker with a bunch of breast men while 'Girls Gone Wild: San Diego Surprise' plays in the background.
4) Stop going to gay bars. There is absolutely no reason for a straight man to be in a gay bar unless he has been dragged there kicking and screaming by the hottest woman he knows and then immediately has sex with her afterwards. A man who goes to a gay bar on a regular basis is gay. Just like a guy who goes to a CD store every week is most likely a music lover. It's all in the adjectives.
5) Stop having sex with men. This makes you gay. It's pretty cut and dry. There are other terms, but when you have sex with men; you're definitely not straight.
Keep all this in mind while you're in the closet. If it seems uncomfortable in there, consider an alternative.
Just sayin'
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