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Dear Top Chef Producers

Dear Top Chef Producers,

I'm not writing a rant this week. You finally sent Robin home, and for that, I'm most grateful. The fact that you strung that poor, annoying woman along for most of the season will be overlooked for the time being.

There is a more pressing matter at hand.

I would like to be on Top Chef.

Now, granted, I can't cook. Not even a little. Occasionally I've been known to make toast, but that's the extent of my culinary knowledge.

So why put me on your show?

Well, for one thing, I'd be great television. If I were on your current season, there would be a lot more to watch; I'll tell you that much.

For one thing, I'd probably be able to get Brian Voltaggio to lose the botox face and actually emote. Oh sure, I'd have to do it by pouring hot oil on him, but good television comes at a price, and that price is severe pain.

I'd have started way better fights with Eli than the one Robin had. How you get into a fight with someone who looks that much like Bilbo Baggins without telling him to go find the f**king ring and piss off is beyond me.

I'd have pushed Jennifer into full-on mental breakdown mode. Why she's still considered a front-runner when she's been a trainwreck since day one is, I'm assuming, part of everyone's disappointment that there wasn't a single woman on this year's season who had any guts at all.

Finally, I'd have run over Mike Voltaggio with a car.

...Just sayin'

So please, consider putting me on your next show. I'm thinking Top Chef: Bermuda--sound good?

No, I can't cook, but then again, most of these people can't either.

Love,
Kevin

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