Skip to main content

Kevin Broccoli's Theater Take-Over

From Bravo, the network that brought you a bunch of horrible reality shows with gay people and nineteen Kathy Griffin specials a year--

In 2010

Things are going to get--

KEVIN: My name is Kevin.

Even gayer.

KEVIN: I'm taking over.

We're sending Kevin Broccoli out to take over theaters across the country.

Not because he's business savvy or wise beyond his years--

KEVIN: This show reminds me of a genocide I once read about.

--But because he's bitchy and he has fun catchphrases.

KEVIN: So you don't have any flying equipment for "Peter Pan" aside from a pulley and a hook? Curtain down, dim the lights. I'm taking over.

Bad Directors

KEVIN: So your sister is the music director, your brother is the stage manager, your cousins are the children's choir, and you're playing the lead?
DIRECTOR: And my husband is the choreographer.
KEVIN: Well, that's a WHOLE different discussion.

Bad Actors

KEVIN: Do you feel you might be miscast in this role?
ACTOR: Not at all. Once you're over fifty you stop worrying about the little things.
KEVIN: I'm sure you'll bring all that wisdom to the role of Baby June.

Bad Ideas

KEVIN: I've never heard of the show Dolls!
ARTISTIC DIRECTOR: We were going to do Guys and Dolls, but we didn't get enough boys, so now we're just doing Dolls!
KEVIN: Give me your keys. I'm taking over.

Next year, he's taking names--

KEVIN: So you use the same seven people in all your shows?
DIRECTOR: For the most part.
KEVIN: So basically you've taken the 'community' out of community theater.

--Off the cast list.

KEVIN: The guy playing Jesus in Godspell is forty-three?
MUSIC DIRECTOR: That's George. He's fantastic.
KEVIN: You're aware that Jesus didn't actually make it to forty-three, right?

And somebody's getting cut.

KEVIN: So Billy and Hope are siblings and Reno is a sock puppet?
DIRECTOR: Mmhmm.
KEVIN: Wow, anything really does go.

Kevin Broccoli's Theater Take-Over

DIRECTOR: You've destroyed my vision. I may as well paint myself gold and have the chorus boys tap dance on me!
KEVIN: Now, THAT might be worth the price of admission.

Coming Soon

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A List of People Who Can Go to Hell Now That I Can't Have Elizabeth Warren

So today was a rough day for everybody who isn't a @#$%-ing #$%hole. Let's just start there. If that upsets you, by all means, go straight to hell. This entire rant is going to be exactly what it sounds like. I am mad and I am going to exercise my right to BLOG ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S 1995, SO BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP. I really don't even know where to start, so let's just jump right in with the first person who comes to mind. Bloomberg, go to hell.  You really didn't have anything specific to do with today, but you can just go to hell for spending an ungodly amount of money on literally nothing.  I mean, you could have lit millions of dollars on fire and at least warmed the hands of the homeless, but instead, you made tv stations across the country that are already owned by Conservatives rich, so kudos to you and go to hell. Amy Klobuchar, I STUCK UP FOR YOU AMY.  I got into FIGHTS on SOCIAL MEDIA while DEFENDING your sorry, self-interested ass.  You know ...
42 comments
Read more

Theater and the Outbreak

After last week's interview, a representative from a theater that recently experienced the results of opening too soon reached out to speak with me. I want to thank this person for coming forward in the hopes that it'll change some minds about what's safe and what isn't when it comes to the performing arts. Here's the interview: ME:  So this wasn't a full production or-- THEM:  No. It was us trying to do a little something for friends and donors. ME:  Who is 'us?' THEM:  The board of _____. ME:  And how long have you been on the board? THEM:  Three years. ME:  What was this going to be? THEM:  There's a, uh, beautiful park here in town, and we wanted to do an outdoor performance of a Shakespeare as a benefit, because, as you know, theaters are having a hard time right now paying the bills. We checked with the local government and the health department for the state to make sure we were doing everything the way we needed to in order to keep everyon...
7 comments
Read more

People You Know Are More Important Than People You Don't Know

This post is in response to arguing with people--straight and gay alike--about a certain celebrity, whether or not she's an ally, if she's pandering, if pandering matters, and whether or not I'm an asshole. The last part is probably an enthusiastic "Yes" but let's reflect on this for a bit anyway without actually giving more time to an argument about a person none of us know, which is a crucial part of what I want to talk about. People you know are more important than people you don't know. I realize it's tricky in an age where we've never been closer or more engaged to our celebrities to keep in mind that we do not know them, they are not our friends, and while we may love them and stan and feel like we're attacked when they're attacked-- That is not true. That is not real. They are in no tangible way connected to us. Now, as someone who is obsessed with pop culture, I get that it's a little hypocritical for me to be making...
Post a Comment
Read more