Whenever you feel insecure, have lunch with your friends.
SCOOTER: People really don't like you.
...And they'll make you feel even worse.
I was having lunch with the boys, and the subject of being liked came up.
ME: I feel like some people don't like me.
BRIAN: Some? Try a lot.
ME: I'm sorry?
SCOOTER: People really don't like you.
ME: What people?
BRIAN: Lots of people.
I turned to Turner, my supportive friend.
ME: Turner?
TURNER: Some people like you...
I noticed he was focusing on an area directly above my head--meaning he was lying.
BRIAN
BRIAN: We like you. Isn't that reassuring?
ME: Not at all, actually.
SCOOTER: Kevin--
ME: I might even feel worse.
Brian tapped the table with his fork--meaning he had an idea.
BRIAN: You're like Evita.
ME: You mean I used to be a whore?
BRIAN: Well, that, and you're a polarizing figure.
TURNER: It's true. People who love you love you a lot, and people who don't love you--
SCOOTER: Hate your guts.
This is why we usually gag Scooter at these lunches
TURNER: Kevin, you write all those notes with all those strong opinions. It's bound to make people--
SCOOTER: Hate your guts.
ME: I get it, Scooter, I get it.
BRIAN: People sometimes respond negatively to stuff like that.
ME: Then why don't you voice those responses? I don't mind conversing with people. But to just decide to dislike me because of how I feel about something--
SCOOTER: Conversing takes effort.
He said this as he was updating his twitter.
ME: The only people I really attack in my notes are people with some degree of fame and dumb gay sluts.
BRIAN: And a lot of dumb gay sluts don't like you.
ME: So they don't like me because they accept the fact that they're dumb, gay, and slutty and they don't like being made fun of for it?
TURNER: Kevin, sluts have feelings too.
ME: That's like saying serial killers have a right to be angry when people call them sociopaths. It's not my fault they're dumb, gay, and slutty. If they identify with that, then maybe they need to change it, not just decide to dislike me.
SCOOTER: YES!
ME: You agree?
SCOOTER: No, I figured out Matt Damon's twitter name.
At this point, it seemed smart to just put all my cards on the table.
ME: Is there any other reason people wouldn't like me?
BRIAN: You're exhausting.
ME: Exhausting?
BRIAN: Have you ever watched a video of you? You don't stop. You're like a walking vibrator.
ME: What a lovely image.
TURNER: You're also very loud.
BRIAN: Caustic.
SCOOTER: You sneer a lot.
BRIAN: Bitchy.
TURNER: Bossy.
SCOOTER: You sneer a lot.
BRIAN: Then there's the gossiping.
TURNER: You barely ever listen.
SCOOTER: Sneering. Mainly the sneering.
At this point, I was wondering if Siberia was still a vacation destination for exiles.
ME: It's amazing anybody likes me.
BRIAN: Kevin, nobody's perfect.
TURNER: And not everybody likes everybody.
ME: I know that, but I still hate it when people don't like me.
SCOOTER: That might be the biggest reason people don't like you. I hate people who hate it when people dislike them.
ME: That seems--
SCOOTER: Yeah, go ahead. Tell me how illogical it is. But it's still the way I feel. That's why I don't like you sometimes. You try to rationalize people into thinking the way you do. Sometimes the way people think isn't rational, but it doesn't mean they're not entitled to think that way.
There was a silence at the table.
BRIAN: Scooter, did you actually just make a coherent point?
SCOOTER: Sometimes that happens when I talk.
Turner reached across the table and touched my hand.
TURNER: You're going to have to be happy with the people who love you, Kev.
BRIAN: The small, small, small, small--
TURNER: BRIAN!
BRIAN: --devoted people who love you.
ME: And if I'd like to expand that group?
SCOOTER: Guess you're going to have to learn not to be a bitch anymore.
Hmm...
New Year's is right around the corner.
SCOOTER: People really don't like you.
...And they'll make you feel even worse.
I was having lunch with the boys, and the subject of being liked came up.
ME: I feel like some people don't like me.
BRIAN: Some? Try a lot.
ME: I'm sorry?
SCOOTER: People really don't like you.
ME: What people?
BRIAN: Lots of people.
I turned to Turner, my supportive friend.
ME: Turner?
TURNER: Some people like you...
I noticed he was focusing on an area directly above my head--meaning he was lying.
BRIAN
BRIAN: We like you. Isn't that reassuring?
ME: Not at all, actually.
SCOOTER: Kevin--
ME: I might even feel worse.
Brian tapped the table with his fork--meaning he had an idea.
BRIAN: You're like Evita.
ME: You mean I used to be a whore?
BRIAN: Well, that, and you're a polarizing figure.
TURNER: It's true. People who love you love you a lot, and people who don't love you--
SCOOTER: Hate your guts.
This is why we usually gag Scooter at these lunches
TURNER: Kevin, you write all those notes with all those strong opinions. It's bound to make people--
SCOOTER: Hate your guts.
ME: I get it, Scooter, I get it.
BRIAN: People sometimes respond negatively to stuff like that.
ME: Then why don't you voice those responses? I don't mind conversing with people. But to just decide to dislike me because of how I feel about something--
SCOOTER: Conversing takes effort.
He said this as he was updating his twitter.
ME: The only people I really attack in my notes are people with some degree of fame and dumb gay sluts.
BRIAN: And a lot of dumb gay sluts don't like you.
ME: So they don't like me because they accept the fact that they're dumb, gay, and slutty and they don't like being made fun of for it?
TURNER: Kevin, sluts have feelings too.
ME: That's like saying serial killers have a right to be angry when people call them sociopaths. It's not my fault they're dumb, gay, and slutty. If they identify with that, then maybe they need to change it, not just decide to dislike me.
SCOOTER: YES!
ME: You agree?
SCOOTER: No, I figured out Matt Damon's twitter name.
At this point, it seemed smart to just put all my cards on the table.
ME: Is there any other reason people wouldn't like me?
BRIAN: You're exhausting.
ME: Exhausting?
BRIAN: Have you ever watched a video of you? You don't stop. You're like a walking vibrator.
ME: What a lovely image.
TURNER: You're also very loud.
BRIAN: Caustic.
SCOOTER: You sneer a lot.
BRIAN: Bitchy.
TURNER: Bossy.
SCOOTER: You sneer a lot.
BRIAN: Then there's the gossiping.
TURNER: You barely ever listen.
SCOOTER: Sneering. Mainly the sneering.
At this point, I was wondering if Siberia was still a vacation destination for exiles.
ME: It's amazing anybody likes me.
BRIAN: Kevin, nobody's perfect.
TURNER: And not everybody likes everybody.
ME: I know that, but I still hate it when people don't like me.
SCOOTER: That might be the biggest reason people don't like you. I hate people who hate it when people dislike them.
ME: That seems--
SCOOTER: Yeah, go ahead. Tell me how illogical it is. But it's still the way I feel. That's why I don't like you sometimes. You try to rationalize people into thinking the way you do. Sometimes the way people think isn't rational, but it doesn't mean they're not entitled to think that way.
There was a silence at the table.
BRIAN: Scooter, did you actually just make a coherent point?
SCOOTER: Sometimes that happens when I talk.
Turner reached across the table and touched my hand.
TURNER: You're going to have to be happy with the people who love you, Kev.
BRIAN: The small, small, small, small--
TURNER: BRIAN!
BRIAN: --devoted people who love you.
ME: And if I'd like to expand that group?
SCOOTER: Guess you're going to have to learn not to be a bitch anymore.
Hmm...
New Year's is right around the corner.
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