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The Next Oprah

I'm happy to announce that I am the next Oprah.

Now, I know what you're thinking--

Kevin doesn't even have a television show.

And to that I say--I don't have a television show YET.

Because why bother? Oprah's still on the air.

I'm going to wait until September of 2011, and then strike like a leopard onto a gazelle.

First, I'll give away an entire city--Des Moines always been good to me, so I'm sure they'll help in my plan to become a media mogul.

Can't you just see it?

"Everybody in this audience GETS A CITY!!"

As long as I keep the audience under fifty people, I'm pretty sure I can swing it.

Then, I'll start a book club, except all the books will be books I've written.

Now, I know what you're thinking--Kevin, you haven't written any books yet.

Well what better incentive is there to write a book a month then to have a book club that only reads your books?

And, in keeping with Oprah, I will make sure all the books include poverty, child molestation, and brooding.

The first one will be called--"Toni Morrison, Heart of a Lady."

It won't be about Toni Morrison--I'm just borrowing the name.

I'll also have several experts who give people life advice and/or just hang out:

- Hayley Woodbine will give people advice on snacks.

- Andrew Holder will be my Gayle--he'll run my magazine as well "K?" (Do you like the question mark? I do.)

- Fallon Creedon will be my little dog expert. We'll have several small dogs on set at all times--also in keeping with Oprah.

- Valerie Westgate will be my fashion maven. I'm not sure what a maven is, but I'm pretty sure Valerie Westgate fits the bill.

Finally, Tom Cruise will not jump my couch, my couch will be thrown AT him.

This, I believe, will be what brings me even further than Oprah.

Let the life changing begin.

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