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Casting Catty Bitchy Queens

-- At a casting call for "Catty Bitchy Queens" --

The Jeremy Auditions

ACTOR: So I see Jeremy as being sort of a wimp.
ME: Um...I wouldn't say wimp...
ACTOR: Are you kidding? His whole thing is wah wah wah nobody loves me.
ME: He's a hopeless romantic.
ACTOR: Oh, he's definitely hopeless.
ME: But sweet.
ACTOR: Sappy.
ME: Kind.
ACTOR: Naive.
ME: Asshole.
ACTOR: I wouldn't say he's an asshole.
ME: No, I was referring to you.

The Davis Auditions

ACTOR: Is he based on a real guy?
ME: No, not really.
ACTOR: It's me, isn't it?
ME: Pardon me?
ACTOR: You don't remember, but we met once a few years ago.
ME: So you think I forgot you but right before I did I based a major character in my blog on you?
ACTOR: So you agree with me?

The Ben Auditions

ACTOR: I would LOVE to play this character. He's so misunderstood.
ME: No, he's really not.
ACTOR: Well, I mean, he comes across as being a jerk--
ME: No, he's JUST a jerk.
ACTOR: But there must be levels--
ME: No levels. None. Just a jerk.
ACTOR: But for motivation--
ME: Just keep in mind that he has no soul, and you'll do fine.

The Jackson Auditions

ACTOR: Me again!
ME: Didn't I say you could go?
ACTOR: Yeah, but I figured I might do better at the Jackson audition since I dislike Jeremy so much.
ME: Actually, that opens up a lot of roles for you.

The Nathan Auditions

ME: Can you dance?
ACTOR: I used to.
ME: Perfect. I'm going to need you to gain forty pounds.
ACTOR: But you said this guy was a dancer.
ME: Yeah, I don't understand it either.

The Carter Auditions

ACTOR: I trained at the Royal Dramatic Academy.
ME: Uh huh.
ACTOR: I was nominated for a Tony.
ME: Uh huh.
ACTOR: My uncle is Forrest Whitaker.
ME: Uh huh.
ACTOR: Plus, I'm black.
ME: You could have just opened with that and gotten the role.

The Hank Auditions

ME: I need your voice to go lower.
ACTOR: Lower?
ME: Yeah, like 'Helloooooo Jeremy.'
ACTOR: 'Helloooo--'
ME: Lower.
ACTOR" 'Oooooo'
ME: Even lower.
ACTOR: 'Ooooo.'
ME: Great. Now hold it.
ACTOR: I can't go down for that long!
ME: And you want to be on this show?

This is going to be trickier than I thought.

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