Skip to main content

Casting Catty Bitchy Queens

-- At a casting call for "Catty Bitchy Queens" --

The Jeremy Auditions

ACTOR: So I see Jeremy as being sort of a wimp.
ME: Um...I wouldn't say wimp...
ACTOR: Are you kidding? His whole thing is wah wah wah nobody loves me.
ME: He's a hopeless romantic.
ACTOR: Oh, he's definitely hopeless.
ME: But sweet.
ACTOR: Sappy.
ME: Kind.
ACTOR: Naive.
ME: Asshole.
ACTOR: I wouldn't say he's an asshole.
ME: No, I was referring to you.

The Davis Auditions

ACTOR: Is he based on a real guy?
ME: No, not really.
ACTOR: It's me, isn't it?
ME: Pardon me?
ACTOR: You don't remember, but we met once a few years ago.
ME: So you think I forgot you but right before I did I based a major character in my blog on you?
ACTOR: So you agree with me?

The Ben Auditions

ACTOR: I would LOVE to play this character. He's so misunderstood.
ME: No, he's really not.
ACTOR: Well, I mean, he comes across as being a jerk--
ME: No, he's JUST a jerk.
ACTOR: But there must be levels--
ME: No levels. None. Just a jerk.
ACTOR: But for motivation--
ME: Just keep in mind that he has no soul, and you'll do fine.

The Jackson Auditions

ACTOR: Me again!
ME: Didn't I say you could go?
ACTOR: Yeah, but I figured I might do better at the Jackson audition since I dislike Jeremy so much.
ME: Actually, that opens up a lot of roles for you.

The Nathan Auditions

ME: Can you dance?
ACTOR: I used to.
ME: Perfect. I'm going to need you to gain forty pounds.
ACTOR: But you said this guy was a dancer.
ME: Yeah, I don't understand it either.

The Carter Auditions

ACTOR: I trained at the Royal Dramatic Academy.
ME: Uh huh.
ACTOR: I was nominated for a Tony.
ME: Uh huh.
ACTOR: My uncle is Forrest Whitaker.
ME: Uh huh.
ACTOR: Plus, I'm black.
ME: You could have just opened with that and gotten the role.

The Hank Auditions

ME: I need your voice to go lower.
ACTOR: Lower?
ME: Yeah, like 'Helloooooo Jeremy.'
ACTOR: 'Helloooo--'
ME: Lower.
ACTOR" 'Oooooo'
ME: Even lower.
ACTOR: 'Ooooo.'
ME: Great. Now hold it.
ACTOR: I can't go down for that long!
ME: And you want to be on this show?

This is going to be trickier than I thought.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A List of People Who Can Go to Hell Now That I Can't Have Elizabeth Warren

So today was a rough day for everybody who isn't a @#$%-ing #$%hole. Let's just start there. If that upsets you, by all means, go straight to hell. This entire rant is going to be exactly what it sounds like. I am mad and I am going to exercise my right to BLOG ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S 1995, SO BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP. I really don't even know where to start, so let's just jump right in with the first person who comes to mind. Bloomberg, go to hell.  You really didn't have anything specific to do with today, but you can just go to hell for spending an ungodly amount of money on literally nothing.  I mean, you could have lit millions of dollars on fire and at least warmed the hands of the homeless, but instead, you made tv stations across the country that are already owned by Conservatives rich, so kudos to you and go to hell. Amy Klobuchar, I STUCK UP FOR YOU AMY.  I got into FIGHTS on SOCIAL MEDIA while DEFENDING your sorry, self-interested ass.  You know ...
42 comments
Read more

Theater and the Outbreak

After last week's interview, a representative from a theater that recently experienced the results of opening too soon reached out to speak with me. I want to thank this person for coming forward in the hopes that it'll change some minds about what's safe and what isn't when it comes to the performing arts. Here's the interview: ME:  So this wasn't a full production or-- THEM:  No. It was us trying to do a little something for friends and donors. ME:  Who is 'us?' THEM:  The board of _____. ME:  And how long have you been on the board? THEM:  Three years. ME:  What was this going to be? THEM:  There's a, uh, beautiful park here in town, and we wanted to do an outdoor performance of a Shakespeare as a benefit, because, as you know, theaters are having a hard time right now paying the bills. We checked with the local government and the health department for the state to make sure we were doing everything the way we needed to in order to keep everyon...
7 comments
Read more

The Community and The Hypnotist

  Two years ago, I started interviewing people in the theater world about the problems within that community. All the subjects of the interviews remained anonymous to encourage people to speak directly and plainly without worrying that there would be consequences down the line. (Of course, even then, some people felt like outing themselves and getting in hot water, but we're going to leave that water under another bridge.) When I decided it was time to bring the series to a close, it was partly because I thought it had run its course, and partly because I had a new topic I wanted to tackle. While I've had my issues with theater and the people who do it, I've never felt like I didn't belong there, whereas from the moment I came out, I've never truly felt like a part of the gay community. To be clear, that probably has way more to do with me than the community, but it's something I wanted to explore, and I knew how I wanted to do it. The theater interviews were al...
Post a Comment
Read more