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Esquire Gives Me Style Resolutions

After Details, GQ, and Tom Ford struck out with me, I decided to give Overcompensation Magazine a try--in other words, Esquire.

Esquire is for frat boys who can read--in other words, invisible people, or gay guys who like reading stuff that they think will let them into the minds of closeted jocks so they can then seduce them at bachelor parties by talking about which chicks are hot and where to get a good martini.

Who better to teach me how to dress?

Here are the ten style resolutions Esquire thinks I need to make--

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

Pants are in--who knew? 12 Shades seems like a bit much though. I've already dismissed white denim--do I really want to entertain the idea of aqua khakis?

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

The word "restock" for me isn't really appropriate. My closet is to style what a bachelor's cupboard is to the culinary arts.

In other words, I've got half a package of baloney and a jar of olives.

I have to say though, these trends seem to be a bit more manageable than the suggestions I found in other magazines.

Buy pants, buy shirts, etc.

So far I'm onboard. I love shirts and pants.

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

I'm confused. Are you supposed to dress like a Parisian artist from a Pepe Le Pew cartoon on the weekend? Where's the beret?

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

Wait--I'm supposed to have two pairs already? What do you need two pairs for? Is one pair supposed to go in the wash or something?

I'm confused.

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

"I will in?" Grammar check, Esquire. You just lost so many points. You lost even more points when you suggested a theater grad who spends most of his time food shopping or rehearsing should drop twenty-five hundred bucks on a fitted suit.

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

Cashmere that doesn't break the bank? Newsflash: In 2010, if you're twenty-five, three hundred bucks is breaking the bank.

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

I love their use of verb-ology--"I will look into black." As if they're saying, "investigate it, go on a few dates with it, take it for a spin."

Look Esquire, you don't have to sell me on black. I'm sold on black. You're preaching to the black choir. The gospel black choir singing to Jesus about black--that's me.

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

How about just "I'll travel?" Does this mean I can't wear my Bermuda shorts to Austria anymore? This is beginning to sound like a fortune cookie with everything ending in "with style."

"Make love--with style."
"Eat peas--with style."
"Hitchhike--with style."

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

Can I be honest? I really don't like guys who wear ties all the time. I understand the need to look professional, but I feel like looking nice loses it's value if you go formal all the time.

Ties strike fear in my t-shirt loving heart. Sorry.

http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110

Okay, so if a regular tie strikes fear, this tie is like the Dracula of ties.

Enough for now.

I'm off to buy shirts and pants.

I'm sorry to see the era of walking around in you underwear go, but I guess we're getting conservative in the new decade.

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