Skip to main content

GQ Teaches Me How to Dress

This month in GQ, Matthew Goode models the 10 Best Looks for the Season. I decide to take a look and see if I can update my wardrobe and be a little more fashion savvy.

Let's begin--

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=1

The first look is plaid--a pattern I know all too well. Most of my plaids make me look like a time traveler that smells like teen spirit gone wrong, but guess what? GQ says I can be saved!

I just have to buy the shirt for $250 and the pants for $100. $350 to look like the sax player who might have his eye on the bartender. It's also important to find a cap and look like you're about to toss it in the air a la Mary Tyler Moore opening credits.

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=2

Next up we have a "cooler" baseball jacket. That's the term--"cooler." GQ says put away the big, bulky baseball jackets--you know, the ones that can actually keep you warm, thereby fulfilling their destiny as a jacket. They want you to get this little number for $1,050 and then put on the gayest jeans EVER. It's ironic that they want you to keep the white jeans "straight" when Matthew Goode, who says he's straight, looks like he's trying to pick up Johns on the West End.

The jeans only cost $70 though, which is a pretty cheap price to put on confirming your sexual identity to everybody who sees you in this outfit.

Just think of all the pesky coming out convos you won't have to have!

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=3

This look I actually like, although it's a little bland. Oh what am I saying? I'm Portuguese. We live for simple colors to reflect our impoverished souls.

To be honest though, I feel like a lot of the look relies on the hat, and I just can't pull off a hat. Put a hat on me and I look like a little kid who got into his grandfather's vaudeville chest.

Oh well, moving on--

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=4

Now, granted, I don't know much, but this can't possibly look good, right? I mean, it looks good on him, because he's skinny and European, but it would never look good on me.

For one thing, is tucking back in? Can you tuck now? Is that appropriate?

And denim on denim? I know they say this denim is multi-talented, but I thought they meant I could wear it and it could teach me how to juggle. All their suggestions for pairing it seem like they would be disastrous.

Pair it with a suit?

What black-tie function would that be appropriate for? Matthew McConaughey's birthday party?

Here, let me show you what they mean--

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=5

"Hey! Anybody want to solve a crime while looking like Casey Affleck and becoming an alcoholic?"

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=6

Hmm, I do kind of likes this. It's very Mad Men, but also a bit too Open Mic Night at the Laugh Shack.

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=7

Maybe when they said "multi-talented" they meant "multiple sexual partners of different genders." What's with that face? Did he just burp and then smell it and giggle?

Why does fashion have to be so confusing?

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=8

Ohhhhhhhhhhh--look who brought their boyfriend to the retro party!

Ohhhhhhhhhhh--they're the same person in two different shots checking themselves out.

Creepy.

Although the look is fun. I would need to get nerd chic glasses and--

Oh wait, vibrant colors--"aggressively vibrant," according to GQ (what does that mean? Does the teal slap you around if you don't make it look good?)--and as I stated before, men of my ethnicity have a hard time pulling off any color stronger than Bright Gray.

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=9

I really like the jacket, but I don't really know when I'd wear it, and if I pay that much for it, I'd have to wear it ALL THE TIME.

So I could buy the jacket and convince more people I know to get married, randomly attend conferences, and start a new Rat Pack OR I could move on to the next look.

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=10

No, no, and no.

When you have Tarzan ankles, you do NOT roll up the cuffs.

I love how GQ instructs you as to how to roll up your cuffs so that it looks like you weren't planning to roll up your cuffs so you don't look like "a style-obsssed kid in Tokyo." As if anyone who wasn't style-obsessed would spend almost four hundred dollars on sneakers that look like they're made out of duct tape.

http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=11

Ahhh! Creepy twin is back! And this time he's staring at me!

As much as I would love to wear a storm chaser jacket, I really have no need for it. I tend to go inside during storms. It's just this thing I do.

So I guess I won't be taking on all of these looks, but I did get a few ideas.

Does anybody have any duct tape?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A List of People Who Can Go to Hell Now That I Can't Have Elizabeth Warren

So today was a rough day for everybody who isn't a @#$%-ing #$%hole. Let's just start there. If that upsets you, by all means, go straight to hell. This entire rant is going to be exactly what it sounds like. I am mad and I am going to exercise my right to BLOG ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S 1995, SO BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP. I really don't even know where to start, so let's just jump right in with the first person who comes to mind. Bloomberg, go to hell.  You really didn't have anything specific to do with today, but you can just go to hell for spending an ungodly amount of money on literally nothing.  I mean, you could have lit millions of dollars on fire and at least warmed the hands of the homeless, but instead, you made tv stations across the country that are already owned by Conservatives rich, so kudos to you and go to hell. Amy Klobuchar, I STUCK UP FOR YOU AMY.  I got into FIGHTS on SOCIAL MEDIA while DEFENDING your sorry, self-interested ass.  You know

Theater and the Outbreak

After last week's interview, a representative from a theater that recently experienced the results of opening too soon reached out to speak with me. I want to thank this person for coming forward in the hopes that it'll change some minds about what's safe and what isn't when it comes to the performing arts. Here's the interview: ME:  So this wasn't a full production or-- THEM:  No. It was us trying to do a little something for friends and donors. ME:  Who is 'us?' THEM:  The board of _____. ME:  And how long have you been on the board? THEM:  Three years. ME:  What was this going to be? THEM:  There's a, uh, beautiful park here in town, and we wanted to do an outdoor performance of a Shakespeare as a benefit, because, as you know, theaters are having a hard time right now paying the bills. We checked with the local government and the health department for the state to make sure we were doing everything the way we needed to in order to keep everyone s

People You Know Are More Important Than People You Don't Know

This post is in response to arguing with people--straight and gay alike--about a certain celebrity, whether or not she's an ally, if she's pandering, if pandering matters, and whether or not I'm an asshole. The last part is probably an enthusiastic "Yes" but let's reflect on this for a bit anyway without actually giving more time to an argument about a person none of us know, which is a crucial part of what I want to talk about. People you know are more important than people you don't know. I realize it's tricky in an age where we've never been closer or more engaged to our celebrities to keep in mind that we do not know them, they are not our friends, and while we may love them and stan and feel like we're attacked when they're attacked-- That is not true. That is not real. They are in no tangible way connected to us. Now, as someone who is obsessed with pop culture, I get that it's a little hypocritical for me to be making