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GQ Tells Me to Pick Up My Face (Pick It Up!)

After figuring out that I have no clue how to dress, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I've also been treating my face like a dishrag all these years.

Luckily, GQ came along just in time with ten tips to put my best face forward.

http://www.gq.com/how-to/groom/201001/how-to-get-a-better-shave-smooth-skin#slide=1

Tip #1: Shave in the Shower

GQ, I shower in the morning. That means I'm barely awake. That means the last thing you want to give me is a razor. I may get a cleaner shave, but I may also be missing an ear by the time I'm done.

Tip #2: Buy a Giant Bottle of Something Called "Baxter of California."

Is it just me or does that sound like something you buy in a vineyard? It looks too much like peroxide for my taste.

Tip #3: Use After-Shave

Apparently, the after-shave has to have a goat on the front or it's not good enough for you.

Tip #4: Wear Sunscreen

But it's January! Why am I wearing sunscreen in January? Or is this specifically for summer? I don't like to smell like the beach when I'm building snowmen.

Tip #5: Lip Balm

Lip balm sunscreen? I've never actually gotten sunburned lips. Is that possible?

Tip #6: Drink Green Tea

It helps your skin. Coffee, on the other hand, makes you look like this--

http://a4.vox.com/6a00fad69253e80004011016877164860d-320pi

Tip #7: The Zit Issue

GQ equivocates getting pimples with contracting syphilis. "It's not about that; it's about what you do AFTERWARDS." I guess if you buy this stuff some guy named Anthony comes to your house and rubs ointment on your face.

...Or maybe not.

Tip #8: Exfoliate

Let's set aside the fact that I still giggle when I hear the term "exfoliate." Instead, let's talk about how I'm buying this stuff just because it's called "Billy Jealously." It sounds like a Billy Idol cover band, e.g: I just heard Billy Jealously cover 'Rebel Yell' and it was amazing!

Tip #9: The Eyebrows

The diagram scares me. Am I performing an appendectomy or trimming eyebrow hair? Iphones come with less instructions.

Tip #10: Nose Hair

An even scarier diagram. And tweezers? Who could tweeze their own nose hair? That is a commitment to beauty, my friends.

A commitment I'm not ready to make just yet.

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