GQ's Seven Style Mistakes (I've Made Them All...Twice)

GQ published a list of the Seven Style Mistakes that everyone makes--and by everyone, they apparently meant me.

(I had a feeling those editors were reading my college journal, and now there's proof!)

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=1

The first error in fashion in judgment is the schlumpy leather jacket.

First of all, I wasn't aware that schlumpy had officially made it into the dictionary, but I'm glad it has. Now I have one more word to describe my wardrobe. "Depressing" and "impoverished" were getting a little old.

I knew this list was off to a bad start with me when I looked at the first picture and thought--Gee, he doesn't look THAT bad. I mean, they put him in khakis. Of course that looks stupid. The Fonz never wore khakis!

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=2

This is the improvement?

They moved him up from "tool" to "gay fighter pilot?"

I like that whenever a men's style magazine that is trying to appeal to straight guys talks about making over your wardrobe the solution is always to make your wardrobe a lot more gay.

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=3

I don't think it's possible to own these jeans until you've had two kids and coached a little league game.

They're Dad jeans.

The tucked in buttoned down shirt isn't helping matters either.

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=4

If that's the same model, then I want whoever took that photo to do my Christmas Card this year.

New jeans don't make THAT much of a difference.

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=5

Personally, I like a tiny knot. If it gets too big, I feel like eating lasagna and quoting Brando.

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=6

This is beginning to resemble those make-over shows where they take a Before picture with no hair or make-up, then fix all that and give total credit to the outfit.

The tie is not what's making a difference here. They also put him in a much better shirt and better pants.

(I feel so bad for these models. What do they say to them? "Okay, this is the before shot, so look sexy but don't look as sexy as when we put you in the After outfit!")

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=7

I'll admit that's not attractive, but who looks down that much?

If someone mentioned to me that my pants were shaggy at the bottom, I'd ask if they had a foot fetish.

THEN who would be embarrassed, huh?

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=8

Those are robot legs underneath those pants. I swear.

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=9

Who are they kidding? I love the open collar with the suit jacket.

Anything sounds bad when you put the word "pancake" in front of it--unless we're talking breakfast buffets.

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=10

I think the first look was better.

There's nothing worse than looking at someone who wanted to look casual but clearly put hours of thought into it.

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=11

First of all, I don't want Tiger Woods' anything at the moment.

Second of all, is that a steak knife attached to that belt?

How about this as a style tip--"You shouldn't be able to stab someone to death WITH YOUR BELT."

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=12

"It smells and feels buttery?"

How does this shopping experience work?

Do I smell the belt in the dressing room? Is there a special section for extra-ripe belts? Do they have low-fat belts?

"I can't believe it's a belt" belts?

Can someone help me out here?

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=13

I wore a suit that fit like that to my sophomore semi-formal.

And you know what? Now it fits me.

That's called "your parents aren't going to spend $750 on a suit unless they know you're going to wear it for the next ten years."

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=14

Wait...

I could have looked like that?

...I hate my father.

Cheap bastard.