Entertainment Weekly published an article this week about the death of the soap opera. It's gotten so bad that even One Life to Live may be on the chopping block.
This is unacceptable to me.
Canceling those overrated CBS soaps is one thing, but when they come after Viki Lord (Gordon) Riley Burke Riley Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks, they've gone too far.
So I'm here to help.
Here are some tips I think can help bring the soap operas back to life--with or without evil twins.
1) Get Rid of the Bimbo's
I was watching General Hospital the other day wondering how much they had to pay James Franco to get him to do the show, when I had to turn off the television because Kirsten Storms, who plays Maxie, is perhaps the worst actress I have ever seen and/or heard in my life.
Why are soap operas always casting attractive women if they want more younger women to watch? Why would young women want to spend five hours every week watching morons with fake boobs turn in poor performances?
Some of the most popular characters in soap opera history were not played by gorgeous people, but by great actors. Stop casting models, and start casting actors.
2) Get Rid of the "Cool" Guys
For as long as I can remember, General Hospital has been the mob show. At least one storyline per episode centers around the mob.
Now, I like Sonny Corinthos as much as the next guy, but unfortunately what's happening to soaps as a result of his popularity is that every guy cast on a soap looks embarrassed to be there and--at the same time--desperate to look cool.
The problem is that "cool" isn't interesting. It's alright to have a movie about a "cool" guy, but weeks upon weeks of "cool" gets boring. Hire some guys who aren't trying to be the next Tony Geary, because guess what guys? There will NEVER be another Luke Spencer.
3) Fire All Your Writers
Is there a formula for writing for soaps? Yes, there is. But there is no formula that works for over thirty years.
The problem is that soap opera writers never write anything else. Whereas actors have gone from soaps to television or movies, writers rarely do. That's because they get locked into the traps of writing for soap operas.
Luckily, times are tough, and there are plenty of writers. Go out and find some wackos and let them write for your shows. If it's a disaster, so what? You're about to get canceled anyway, you may as well go out with a bang--perhaps a bang that kills a billionaire and leads to a three-month murder storyline?
(Just a thought)
4) Stuff Needs to Happen
I'll never forget when I was a Days of Our Lives fan, and Sammy's wedding was the last week before school started.
They stretched out that wedding over the course of the ENTIRE week and the following Monday (which my mother had to tape--I'm sure she was thrilled that her twelve-year-old son was this invested in the Sammy-Austin-Carrie-Mike love quadrangle.)
It's well-known that you soap operas stretch out storylines for fear they'll run out of stuff to do.
Well, you need to stop.
A wedding should not take over a week. A baby swap should not take over a month. A serial killer storyline should last only the course of a summer.
You're asking people to commit too much of their lives upfront to you, and that's not going to work. Stop relying on long-term stories and start focusing on short-term stories that deal with your characters relationships--since that's what we all want to watch anyway.
I was always way more invested in Bo and Hope than I was in Marlena being locked in a cage by Stefano underneath the streets of Paris, but the poor writers at Days never understood that, and that's why I had to leave them.
5) Embrace Humor
Now, let's be careful with this one. I don't think you should become a campfest--look how that worked out for Passions. I just think some humor couldn't hurt. Of course, for that to work, you're going to need to get those new writers I suggested, since apparently humor is what comes out of the mouth of that cesspool of a character known as Spinelli on General Hospital.
Big words and facial tics are not humor, General Hospital. Hate to break that to you, but it's true.
Overall, just make your characters more like real people. My dear mentor Bob mentioned that he and his wife used to like Ryan's Hope, and if you watch reruns of it on SoapNet, you'll find that it was as good as any primetime show going on at the time, because it took advantage of the time to create characters that people could grow to love.
And just so we're clear, nobody loves Maxie on General Hospital.
If you take nothing else from this note, fire Maxie.
Thanks.
This is unacceptable to me.
Canceling those overrated CBS soaps is one thing, but when they come after Viki Lord (Gordon) Riley Burke Riley Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks, they've gone too far.
So I'm here to help.
Here are some tips I think can help bring the soap operas back to life--with or without evil twins.
1) Get Rid of the Bimbo's
I was watching General Hospital the other day wondering how much they had to pay James Franco to get him to do the show, when I had to turn off the television because Kirsten Storms, who plays Maxie, is perhaps the worst actress I have ever seen and/or heard in my life.
Why are soap operas always casting attractive women if they want more younger women to watch? Why would young women want to spend five hours every week watching morons with fake boobs turn in poor performances?
Some of the most popular characters in soap opera history were not played by gorgeous people, but by great actors. Stop casting models, and start casting actors.
2) Get Rid of the "Cool" Guys
For as long as I can remember, General Hospital has been the mob show. At least one storyline per episode centers around the mob.
Now, I like Sonny Corinthos as much as the next guy, but unfortunately what's happening to soaps as a result of his popularity is that every guy cast on a soap looks embarrassed to be there and--at the same time--desperate to look cool.
The problem is that "cool" isn't interesting. It's alright to have a movie about a "cool" guy, but weeks upon weeks of "cool" gets boring. Hire some guys who aren't trying to be the next Tony Geary, because guess what guys? There will NEVER be another Luke Spencer.
3) Fire All Your Writers
Is there a formula for writing for soaps? Yes, there is. But there is no formula that works for over thirty years.
The problem is that soap opera writers never write anything else. Whereas actors have gone from soaps to television or movies, writers rarely do. That's because they get locked into the traps of writing for soap operas.
Luckily, times are tough, and there are plenty of writers. Go out and find some wackos and let them write for your shows. If it's a disaster, so what? You're about to get canceled anyway, you may as well go out with a bang--perhaps a bang that kills a billionaire and leads to a three-month murder storyline?
(Just a thought)
4) Stuff Needs to Happen
I'll never forget when I was a Days of Our Lives fan, and Sammy's wedding was the last week before school started.
They stretched out that wedding over the course of the ENTIRE week and the following Monday (which my mother had to tape--I'm sure she was thrilled that her twelve-year-old son was this invested in the Sammy-Austin-Carrie-Mike love quadrangle.)
It's well-known that you soap operas stretch out storylines for fear they'll run out of stuff to do.
Well, you need to stop.
A wedding should not take over a week. A baby swap should not take over a month. A serial killer storyline should last only the course of a summer.
You're asking people to commit too much of their lives upfront to you, and that's not going to work. Stop relying on long-term stories and start focusing on short-term stories that deal with your characters relationships--since that's what we all want to watch anyway.
I was always way more invested in Bo and Hope than I was in Marlena being locked in a cage by Stefano underneath the streets of Paris, but the poor writers at Days never understood that, and that's why I had to leave them.
5) Embrace Humor
Now, let's be careful with this one. I don't think you should become a campfest--look how that worked out for Passions. I just think some humor couldn't hurt. Of course, for that to work, you're going to need to get those new writers I suggested, since apparently humor is what comes out of the mouth of that cesspool of a character known as Spinelli on General Hospital.
Big words and facial tics are not humor, General Hospital. Hate to break that to you, but it's true.
Overall, just make your characters more like real people. My dear mentor Bob mentioned that he and his wife used to like Ryan's Hope, and if you watch reruns of it on SoapNet, you'll find that it was as good as any primetime show going on at the time, because it took advantage of the time to create characters that people could grow to love.
And just so we're clear, nobody loves Maxie on General Hospital.
If you take nothing else from this note, fire Maxie.
Thanks.
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