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I Learn Everything About Milan Fashion Week

I couldn't make it to Milan this year.

You know how that is--you're behind on your oil change, you forget to buy suede pants, those bake sale cookies never get made, and the next thing you know, you missed the Fall/Winter collections.

"NOT AGAIN!" I screamed from a rooftop somewhere--maybe it was a parking garage; I can't remember.

Luckily, Details Magazine got me all the...well...deets from this year's show.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=1

Dolce and Gabbana have decided to bring emotion back to fashion with bright, vibrant...gray.

Lots and lots of gray.

You can wear this look in three different places, and you'll still manage to look strange in all of them.

Delivering newspapers.
3rd grade slumber party.
Early 90's Night at a local hipster club.

Never has fashion been so universal in its reach.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=2

"Raf Simons, the father of modern minimalism, applied geometric cutouts on suit jackets to create a sort of sartorial topography. "

Wait, is that a sentence? Did someone just use the phrase "sartorial topography?"

Don't worry--I'm on this.

Sartorial: Relating to the tailoring of clothing or the quality of dress (Okay, that makes sense.)
Topography: A detailed graphic representation of the surface features of a place or object.

I'm even more confused.

Are they talking about texture? Wouldn't they just say texture?

Anyway, the outfit is very nice, but it looks sort of Summer/Miami--not Fall/Winter.

Of course, as you know, Miami could be Fall/Winter. Miami is a state of mind.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=3

Apparently Jil (with one "l" mind you) Sander (with no "s" mind you) compensates for pants and a shirt that would not keep you warm at all in the colder seasons by giving you bulkiest jacket since A Christmas Story.

http://www.redriderleglamps.com/images/products/Autographed%20Randy_Snowsuit.jpg

Need I say more?

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=4

Well, aren't WE a part of the Rhythm Nation?

"Contemporary riffs on military garb." I'm sure the military just LOVES having their garb riffed with, right?

This is the perfect outfit to wear for all your Napoleon reenactment parties.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=5

I'm sorry I can't get past the hair.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=6

Apparently, James Dean is back in style.

Do they have sock hops in Milan?

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=7

Someone's about to solve a crime.

"Vaguely waspy and entirely Prada."

Can you believe they consider that a compliment?

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=8

My oh my, the North Pole is on FIRE!

It's like Edward Scissorhands meets Clubbed Baby Seal.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=9

Matrix, anyone?

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=10

Scary Lesbian Matrix, anyone?

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=11

Okay, he can keep the Dreamcatcher around his neck, but he HAS to take off the leggings.

NOT negotiable.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=12

Wasn't this guy the villain in Candyland? Didn't he live next to the Candy Cane fortress?

I think I've seen that scarf in my nightmares.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=13

"If you plan on going to Antarctica this season, leave the sled dogs at home and take this little number with you..."

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=14

Maybe it's just me, but I don't enjoy hearing the term "blood-splattered" when referring to something I'm wearing.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=15

You know, everything was going so well until they made him put on the leather corset.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=16

Annnnnnd we're back to gray.

But this guy has a beret. That's fun, right?

At least it pulls focus from his pajama pants.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=17

This guy is either black or just poorly lit--I can't tell.

He also might be an Imperial soldier.

Don't rule that out.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=18

Okay, I know vampires are in right now, but did this guy really need to eat Beret Guy right before walking out onto the runway?

So what did I miss in Milan?

Gray colors, big coats, lots of padding, one possible black guy OR a minion of Lord Vader, some pj's, leather, Wasps, Neo and Trinity, Dreamcatchers, James Dean, sartorial topography (not a real phrase), Janet Jackson 1814, and a blood-sucking fiend (No, I'm not talking about Donatella Versace).

Man, I can't wait for next year.

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