Have you ever one of those days when every one of your friends was texting you with some sort of problem?
Neither have I.
My friends and I all wait until grilled chicken is in front of us at the NC before we spill our problems to each other.
SCOOTER: I have a hypotheses.
ME: You mean a hypothetical question?
SCOOTER: Yeah that.
BRIAN: Let's hear it.
TURNER: Should I put on the lab goggles?
Scooter rarely ever talks about boy trouble, because he likes us to believe that his sexual prowess prevents any boy from ever getting the best of him.
So that meant this admission was going to be GOOD.
SCOOTER: I lost a fuck buddy.
BRIAN: You forgot to latch the cage door again?
ME: Brian!
BRIAN: Sorry--back to supportive.
It turns out one of Scooter's very special pen pals was set up on a date the previous weekend.
TURNER: Well, Scooter, it's not like you and he have any sort of commitment.
SCOOTER: I know, but the date doesn't make sense!
BRIAN: Scooter, I know we haven't had the 'date' talk with you yet. A 'date' is when two people want to do more than have sex and forget each other's names--
SCOOTER: I mean the two of them going on a date doesn't make sense because the guy goes to UCLA.
Believe it or not, that was all it took to get everybody on Scooter's side.
ME: So your little buddy was STARTING a long distance relationship?
BRIAN: Why do people do that? Why would you go on a date with someone knowing if you hit it off you're going to have to use frequent flyer milers to see them again?
TURNER: He's probably desperate for a boyfriend.
ME: A boyfriend is someone who lives in the same city as you.
TURNER: I've had successful long distance relationships!
ME: Yes, but they didn't START as long distance relationships.
TURNER: True.
BRIAN: I have a five-mile rule. If they're not within five miles of me, I'm not interested.
ME: I'm the same way with the places I get my oil changed.
Turns out, Turner had his own issues.
TURNER: Scott is dating Richard Robert Randall.
ALL: NO!
Richard Robert Randall is a snobby little tool, and Scott is one of Turner's ex's.
Actually he was our FAVORITE ex of Turner's until just now.
TURNER: I don't understand. Scott and I used to make fun of Triple R!
SCOOTER: There's your issue.
TURNER: What's my issue?
SCOOTER: There's a very fine line between ridicule and ridiculous sex.
ME: No, there's not.
SCOOTER: I've made fun of guys all the time and wound up with them.
BRIAN: So you're into taunting? You have a taunting fetish?
SCOOTER: I'm just saying the guys you don't have to worry about are the guys who don't come up in conversation at all.
ME: Do you think you can summon a relationship that way? Like, if I talk about George Clooney a lot, will I one day wind up with him?
BRIAN: No, you have to make fun of him.
TURNER: It's okay, Kev. I'll rent you Leatherheads. That should give you plenty of material.
ME: Hey! Leave George alone.
Since Scooter and Turner already had their chance their vent, it was now Brian's turn to tell a tale of woe.
BRIAN: A guy actually passed on me because he'd gone on two dates with another guy and they went well.
ME: Two dates and he's decided he's good to go?
TURNER: When you know, you know.
SCOOTER: I've never known.
BRIAN: You should get that on a t-shirt.
ME: Brian, answer me a question. Say Magic Man Number Two fails, would you consider giving this guy another shot?
BRIAN: After he passed on me, no way.
ME: You see, Turner? Jump the gun, and you wind up running out of ammo.
TURNER: So you're saying be a slut?
ME: I'm saying we're young. We're supposed to date around, not shop for a husband.
BRIAN: Oh, I don't know. I do love me a good diamond ring.
This is where I yell--
ME: Check please!
And agree to do this again next month.
All good things in moderation--just like men.
Neither have I.
My friends and I all wait until grilled chicken is in front of us at the NC before we spill our problems to each other.
SCOOTER: I have a hypotheses.
ME: You mean a hypothetical question?
SCOOTER: Yeah that.
BRIAN: Let's hear it.
TURNER: Should I put on the lab goggles?
Scooter rarely ever talks about boy trouble, because he likes us to believe that his sexual prowess prevents any boy from ever getting the best of him.
So that meant this admission was going to be GOOD.
SCOOTER: I lost a fuck buddy.
BRIAN: You forgot to latch the cage door again?
ME: Brian!
BRIAN: Sorry--back to supportive.
It turns out one of Scooter's very special pen pals was set up on a date the previous weekend.
TURNER: Well, Scooter, it's not like you and he have any sort of commitment.
SCOOTER: I know, but the date doesn't make sense!
BRIAN: Scooter, I know we haven't had the 'date' talk with you yet. A 'date' is when two people want to do more than have sex and forget each other's names--
SCOOTER: I mean the two of them going on a date doesn't make sense because the guy goes to UCLA.
Believe it or not, that was all it took to get everybody on Scooter's side.
ME: So your little buddy was STARTING a long distance relationship?
BRIAN: Why do people do that? Why would you go on a date with someone knowing if you hit it off you're going to have to use frequent flyer milers to see them again?
TURNER: He's probably desperate for a boyfriend.
ME: A boyfriend is someone who lives in the same city as you.
TURNER: I've had successful long distance relationships!
ME: Yes, but they didn't START as long distance relationships.
TURNER: True.
BRIAN: I have a five-mile rule. If they're not within five miles of me, I'm not interested.
ME: I'm the same way with the places I get my oil changed.
Turns out, Turner had his own issues.
TURNER: Scott is dating Richard Robert Randall.
ALL: NO!
Richard Robert Randall is a snobby little tool, and Scott is one of Turner's ex's.
Actually he was our FAVORITE ex of Turner's until just now.
TURNER: I don't understand. Scott and I used to make fun of Triple R!
SCOOTER: There's your issue.
TURNER: What's my issue?
SCOOTER: There's a very fine line between ridicule and ridiculous sex.
ME: No, there's not.
SCOOTER: I've made fun of guys all the time and wound up with them.
BRIAN: So you're into taunting? You have a taunting fetish?
SCOOTER: I'm just saying the guys you don't have to worry about are the guys who don't come up in conversation at all.
ME: Do you think you can summon a relationship that way? Like, if I talk about George Clooney a lot, will I one day wind up with him?
BRIAN: No, you have to make fun of him.
TURNER: It's okay, Kev. I'll rent you Leatherheads. That should give you plenty of material.
ME: Hey! Leave George alone.
Since Scooter and Turner already had their chance their vent, it was now Brian's turn to tell a tale of woe.
BRIAN: A guy actually passed on me because he'd gone on two dates with another guy and they went well.
ME: Two dates and he's decided he's good to go?
TURNER: When you know, you know.
SCOOTER: I've never known.
BRIAN: You should get that on a t-shirt.
ME: Brian, answer me a question. Say Magic Man Number Two fails, would you consider giving this guy another shot?
BRIAN: After he passed on me, no way.
ME: You see, Turner? Jump the gun, and you wind up running out of ammo.
TURNER: So you're saying be a slut?
ME: I'm saying we're young. We're supposed to date around, not shop for a husband.
BRIAN: Oh, I don't know. I do love me a good diamond ring.
This is where I yell--
ME: Check please!
And agree to do this again next month.
All good things in moderation--just like men.
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