While I was jumping around the Details website, I found a piece too good to resist commenting on--
"Rules of Style from Tom Ford"
These rules may very well comprise the meaning of life.
Let's sit and listen by the fireplace as Uncle Tom weaves a tail of sexual promiscuity and hourglass figures.
1. I don’t believe in playing around much with suit cuts. I like a fairly classic shape that gives a man strong shoulders, a fitted waist, and long legs. Classic simplicity always works.
I actually like my men to have tiny shoulders, a waist the size of a kiddie pool, and coffee table stubs. I love that Tom doesn't say "If you don't fit this description, you're ugly." Instead he just says you're not classically simple. Apparently eighty percent of the population is contemporarily complicated.
2. Someone who is secure enough to be very present when relating to another person is sexy. In other words, a good listener always lands who he wants.
I personally find it creepy when people listen to me. I can't help myself from thinking "Are they actually finding what I'm saying interesting? I'm talking about Fraggle Rock right now! Why are they listening to me? What a loser."
3. When mixing patterns, don’t think about it too much—just throw it together.
The last time I threw patterns together I looked like a rabbi at Woodstock.
4. I hate the trend of short suit jackets. When a man’s butt is showing below the bottom of his jacket, I think it makes him look like a female flight attendant from the back—not my idea of sexy.
Just so we're clear--Tom hates ba-donk. Why didn't he just come right out and say "I'm a catcher, not a pitcher--and I DON'T LIKE COMPETITION!"
5. With jewelry, I actually like bracelets more than anything else, but they have to be small and simple. Cary Grant always wore a simple gold bracelet with his watch, and I think that was very chic.
I think bracelets on a man are like raw chicken sitting on a kitchen counter--bad news. Unless you're named Vito and you work in waste management, keep your wrists clean.
6. If you’re careful not to overuse Botox, then yes, why shouldn’t you use it? A little bit of it between the brows can make you look less stern and more approachable. Who needs to frown, anyway?
I mean, why frown? Everyone already knows you're miserable because you're wearing a jangly bracelet and you have no ass. Just go and inject dead bacteria into your skin. Who doesn't want to look like they're made of flesh-colored jello?
7. Just like girls need to learn to be comfortable in heels before they go out in them for the first time, a man should try wearing a suit throughout a normal day. I do most things in a suit—and sometimes even in a tuxedo—and so I’m really comfortable in one.
What a tease. "I do most things in a suit." You can't say that without saying the weirdest thing you've done in a suit. Have you mowed a lawn in a suit? Have you gone to the zoo in a suit? Do you have a zoo suit? (Sorry, had to do it.) Considering all Tom Ford does all day is sit around, sip martinis, and inject botox into his crow's feet, I doubt wearing a suit has ever been a problem for him.
8. When it comes to grooming, keep earwax out of the ears and keep stray hairs and flakes of skin in check and you should be good to go. In the morning, I put ice cubes on my eyes and use lots of Visine.
Can you imagine being the hooker waking up next to that nonsense? "Well, hello young man. I was just about to mix some patterns once I take these ice cubes off. Care to join me?"
9. Time and silence are the most luxurious things today.
Yes, time and silence are luxurious when you already have money, fame, and a Parisian boy named Michele who walks around with a clipboard and does your bidding.
10. There’s one indulgence every man should try in his lifetime: If you’re straight, sleep with a man at least once, and if you’re gay, don’t go through life without sleeping with a woman. Either way, you might be surprised at how natural it will feel if you can get past the mind-fuck of stereotypes. In the end, it’s just another person that you are relating to in a physical way.
"...Also, you haven't lived until you've caught hepatitis."
Thank you, Tom.
I now have the skills I need to grow old with dignity.
"Rules of Style from Tom Ford"
These rules may very well comprise the meaning of life.
Let's sit and listen by the fireplace as Uncle Tom weaves a tail of sexual promiscuity and hourglass figures.
1. I don’t believe in playing around much with suit cuts. I like a fairly classic shape that gives a man strong shoulders, a fitted waist, and long legs. Classic simplicity always works.
I actually like my men to have tiny shoulders, a waist the size of a kiddie pool, and coffee table stubs. I love that Tom doesn't say "If you don't fit this description, you're ugly." Instead he just says you're not classically simple. Apparently eighty percent of the population is contemporarily complicated.
2. Someone who is secure enough to be very present when relating to another person is sexy. In other words, a good listener always lands who he wants.
I personally find it creepy when people listen to me. I can't help myself from thinking "Are they actually finding what I'm saying interesting? I'm talking about Fraggle Rock right now! Why are they listening to me? What a loser."
3. When mixing patterns, don’t think about it too much—just throw it together.
The last time I threw patterns together I looked like a rabbi at Woodstock.
4. I hate the trend of short suit jackets. When a man’s butt is showing below the bottom of his jacket, I think it makes him look like a female flight attendant from the back—not my idea of sexy.
Just so we're clear--Tom hates ba-donk. Why didn't he just come right out and say "I'm a catcher, not a pitcher--and I DON'T LIKE COMPETITION!"
5. With jewelry, I actually like bracelets more than anything else, but they have to be small and simple. Cary Grant always wore a simple gold bracelet with his watch, and I think that was very chic.
I think bracelets on a man are like raw chicken sitting on a kitchen counter--bad news. Unless you're named Vito and you work in waste management, keep your wrists clean.
6. If you’re careful not to overuse Botox, then yes, why shouldn’t you use it? A little bit of it between the brows can make you look less stern and more approachable. Who needs to frown, anyway?
I mean, why frown? Everyone already knows you're miserable because you're wearing a jangly bracelet and you have no ass. Just go and inject dead bacteria into your skin. Who doesn't want to look like they're made of flesh-colored jello?
7. Just like girls need to learn to be comfortable in heels before they go out in them for the first time, a man should try wearing a suit throughout a normal day. I do most things in a suit—and sometimes even in a tuxedo—and so I’m really comfortable in one.
What a tease. "I do most things in a suit." You can't say that without saying the weirdest thing you've done in a suit. Have you mowed a lawn in a suit? Have you gone to the zoo in a suit? Do you have a zoo suit? (Sorry, had to do it.) Considering all Tom Ford does all day is sit around, sip martinis, and inject botox into his crow's feet, I doubt wearing a suit has ever been a problem for him.
8. When it comes to grooming, keep earwax out of the ears and keep stray hairs and flakes of skin in check and you should be good to go. In the morning, I put ice cubes on my eyes and use lots of Visine.
Can you imagine being the hooker waking up next to that nonsense? "Well, hello young man. I was just about to mix some patterns once I take these ice cubes off. Care to join me?"
9. Time and silence are the most luxurious things today.
Yes, time and silence are luxurious when you already have money, fame, and a Parisian boy named Michele who walks around with a clipboard and does your bidding.
10. There’s one indulgence every man should try in his lifetime: If you’re straight, sleep with a man at least once, and if you’re gay, don’t go through life without sleeping with a woman. Either way, you might be surprised at how natural it will feel if you can get past the mind-fuck of stereotypes. In the end, it’s just another person that you are relating to in a physical way.
"...Also, you haven't lived until you've caught hepatitis."
Thank you, Tom.
I now have the skills I need to grow old with dignity.
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