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Esquire Gives Me Ten Outfits to Wear

Esquire published the ten outfits I'm going to want to wear this spring.

Good thing they gave me some advance warning, because some of these ensembles are going to require quite a bit of planning.

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

For this look, I'm going to have to grow my hair out until I've achieved that nice 'I smell pot out of my car' look. (Nowadays they call it the "Italian" look.) Relax and enjoy the weather? Yup, that's a stoner talking.

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

Why is it that whenever someone talks about a leather jacket now they have to talk about how buttery it is? When I set out to learn more about fashion, I never knew that all I'd have to do is bone up on my dairy adjectives.

Anyway, a bomber jacket would require me growing mutton chops and learning to fix my hair using only spit and a comb.

I guess I'll have to get on that.

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

The jacket costs about one year's tuition at a state school.

And how am I supposed to know if I like this outfit if the model is ten feet away from the photographer? What if there's a stain on that two thousand dollar jacket?

Hmm?

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

To wear this look, you have to be a Russian philosopher.

There must be something wrong with these outfits, because first they shoot one from two blocks down then they put this guy behind a desk. The point isn't to get a good shot of model who-needs-to-shave, it's to show the clothing--

--isn't it?

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

Ohhh, the Rain Man remake is finally off the ground.

Terrific.

Don't believe me?

(http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://film.virtual-history.com/photo/m01/large/00980.jpg&imgrefurl=http://film.virtual-history.com/pic.php%3Fid%3D8777&usg=__WpiYXFIKUzSDOoOA5WYhAmtGLR8=&h=380&w=600&sz=48&hl=en&start=90&um=1&tbnid=bFSklrpjziy9jM:&tbnh=86&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3D%2522rain%2Bman%2522%26ndsp%3D20%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26start%3D80%26um%3D1)

And I don't necessarily know if I want my torso lengthened. That just sounds inappropriate.

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

Well, come on, anybody would look cool standing like that.

He looks like he just flicked off the tip of a cigarette and banged a Bond girl.

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

Okay, what the hell is going on here?

Is the white guy looking for the black guy? Are they playing an elaborate game of designer clothing tag?

Are they in a bombed out peanut butter factory? Which of these outfits am I supposed to wear?

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

I knew that being skinny is crucial to being a female model, but not until I gazed upon this Turkish war bride did I realize that the men were being forced to slim down as well.

This model makes Kate Moss look like Jabba the Hutt.

And what is he looking at? How they get him to look like he's yearning? Do they hold a Hostess Snack on a string off in the distance somewhere?

Looks like I better hit the treadmill.

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

It's official--they shot this entire feature in a crack den.

http://www.esquire.com/style/fashion-story/mens-spring-clothing-0210

Okay, so I've given up on ever wearing these outfits, but here's what I think the story is on the photo shoot.

In an post-Apocalyptic world, a bunch of Russian guys just got released from prison when they stumbled upon a crack den full of designer clothing. They proceeded to try on all the clothing, play hide and seek, and stare off into the distance.

The End

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