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How to Look Like You Belong at New York Fashion Week, or at Bellevue

Departing Senators?
Clinton on Iran?
Betty White on SNL?

Forget all that.

The only news that was splattered all over the magazine websites is New York Fashion Week.

Esquire caught my attention by offering to help me take the essence of the looks shown at Fashion Week by picking one element of the designer's line and adding it into my own wardrobe.

Let's see how this goes.

Warning--all the models look like amphibious vampires.

(Frog vampires are very in this season.)

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #1: The Buick Interior

Careful--you need to get this jacket upholstered every three years.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #2: Daddy's Super Expensive Christmas Morning

It took me a few minutes to figure out this wasn't a pajama ensemble.

I guess I could go out and get a topcoat, but would there be any point to wearing anything else underneath it?

I'm not sure I'm ready yet to become a flasher.

Maybe with time...

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #3: The Riddler Goes Hipster

Next we come to Simon Spurr.

Aside from the fact that Chuck will be wearing this on Gossip Girl in a matter of weeks, I don't see what's so ooh and ahh-worthy about it. Plus, they say this guy deals with "aggressive" plaids.

What exactly is an "aggressive" plaid? A plaid that grabs your ass too hard?

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #4: The Pocket Square

A pocket square is not "an exclamation point." It is an incorrectly used semi-colon.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #5: The Vermonster

Here's Billy Reid.

Those gloves are distracting me. Coupled with the entire set, it looks like the model just buried his ex-girlfriend.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #6: The Dandy Vermonster

"Use your common sense and try new ways of wearing plaid."

Just so we're clear, my common sense wouldn't let me anyway near an outfit like that.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #7: The Screech

Michael Bastian is our next designer.

The 90's are back, y'all.

This is the modern man--inspired by lacrosse, cool nylon, and military hues.

Apparently, the modern man is schizophrenic and a Phish fan.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #8: Ignore the Hat

You have to have a cashmere rugby sweater by the fall or you'll be taken to Amish country and left to die.

Esquire, I've known some rugby players in my time, and let me tell you something, they don't wear anything you can't get blood out of.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #9: Rethink the Jacket (They Said It, Not Me)

Hey there, Lacoste.

I believe this is the same material my grandmother's couch is made out of, but I could be wrong.

It could be my great-aunt's couch.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #10: Mittens and Kittens

I'm so happy Punky Brewster is making a comeback in men's fashion.

That being said, I like to have less than ten colors per outfit.

Sorry.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #11: Brideshead Revisited

Phillip Lim, everyone.

The term I love from this blurb? "Decidedly urban."

I don't like to speak for Phillip, but it doesn't seem like at any point he decided anything involving the word "urban."

Where exactly are the Esquire offices in New York, because I'm guessing they're not near Harlem if people dressed like this can walk down the street without getting heckled.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #12: Work that Duffel Bag, Bitch

Now THIS is decidedly urban.

Plus, I already have a murse. I'm way ahead of the game.

(Unless they change their minds and make me go get those leather pants...)

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #13: There's a Model Under There

First off, Rag and Bone--love the name.

Secondly, it takes a small novel to explain this look, and basically it boils down to this--

Put eighteen layers of clothing on, stick your hands in your pockets, and get your ass down that runway.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #14: Chunky Monkey

The idea behind this piece is to give you an idea what you can do on your own to mimic the looks from these runway shows.

Who knew "chunky sweaters" was the key to copying high fashion?

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #15: Village of the Damned

Well hello, DKNY.

They took this photo right after the spaceship unloaded.

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/style-guides/new-york-fashion-week-fall-2010-mens?click=pp

Look #16: Punky, Again

I love that Esquire thinks the only thing you need to know about this look is that bright-colored boot laces are important.

Because everybody knows that Donna Karan is all about the boot laces.

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