My Charity Song Remake

With the rebirth of charity song remakes, I'm finally able to make one of my all-time dreams come true--

I'm doing an all-star remake of "Sun City."

Originally done by Artists United Against Apartheid, or AUAA (Pronounced Ah-uu-ay), it was sort of a poor man's "We Are the World."

Since most pop stars in the 80's only had time to do one song for the greater good, Steven Van Zandt--yup, that Steven Van Zandt--had to make do with the really hardcore charity people.

That being said, he still managed to get his boss the Boss, U2, and a bunch of well-edited clips making the horror of apartheid shocking and yet still accessible for MTV audiences.

Well, I know apartheid is over, but that doesn't mean the music has to be too, does it?

...Okay, maybe it does.

So let's call my little project a tribute to Little Stevie and his fight against the white man--not him, of course, not a fight against himself, but other white men. Mean South African White Men. Those guys.

First, I needed my pop stars.

I knew it would be tough to get the A-Listers that most other people would want for this sort of thing. I wasn't going to worry about that. This wasn't about big names.

It was about the cause...and the music...the mirror...wait, no, never mind.

DAVEY JONES: Kevin, I don't know about this.

ME: Please, Davey, this is important.

DAVEY JONES: Isn't apartheid over?

ME: Maybe physically it's over, but it still exists in a lot of hearts.

DAVEY JONES: What does that even mean?

ME: It means love, Davey. It means love.

DAVEY JONES: Dammit. You always know how to pull on my heartstrings.

Pretty soon, more and more people wanted in on my charity song remake.

It felt good to have this much power.

It was almost like being an African dictator...

Ironic, I know.

DEAN CAIN: Kevin, I have to do this song.

ME: But Dean Cain, you're not even a singer.

DEAN CAIN: Oh, so Jeff Bridges can do 'We Are the World' but I can't do 'Sun City?'

ME: Fine, fine. But only because I'm a Lois and Clark fan.

DEAN CAIN: Is Terri doing the song too?

ME: No, she hasn't returned my call...you know...yet.

We had one last artist to get before I could continue on with the project.

As Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie were to that other charity song that broke ground in terms of celebrity sensitivity, so is Lil Stevie to 'Sun City.'

LIL STEVIE: But Kevin, nobody plays 'Sun City' anymore.

ME: It's not about that, LSD. It's about the music.

LIL STEVIE: Kev, the song's not that good. It pretty much is about 'Sun City.'

I hadn't anticipated this. If the cause was hollow, the whole project would fall apart.

...Unless I could find another cause.

ME: Hey Stevie, I have an idea.

Finally, it came together. The has-been celebrities, the creator, and the new cause.

Make it your new Facebook status kids.

'I Ain't Gonna Play Mohegan.'

We even have some new lyrics

They're not as cool as Foxwoods

Please leave them alone

They're an hour away

And the Gaga show's postponed

Everybody say I--

I

I--

I

I--

I ain't gonna play Mohegan

Who says music can't change the world?

Or at least change Connecticut.