Now that Texas textbooks have been revised to better reflect the beliefs of Texans, I thought I'd take you through a tour of what you'll find in the new Texas history books.
Here are a few historical nuggets that, up until now, were allowed to fall by the wayside:
- First, Texas was founded by this man: http://www.yosemitescouting.org/images/Yosemite%20Sam.bmp
- In 1888, Texas was overrun by drag queens. They stormed the Alamo and attempted to turn it into a mimosa bar. Luckily, the Texans got them out, and banned the drinking of mimosas within two miles of the Alamo.
- The Grass Fight near San Antonio was won by the Texans under Jim Bowie and Ed Burleson. Instead of silver, however, the Texans gained a worthless bounty of grass. (I'm not making this up, it actually happened. See http://www.lsjunction.com/events/events.htm)
- The Texas Declaration of Independence is signed by Dolly Parton, Burt Reynolds, and several singing prostitutes.
- Sam Houston retreats from the Mexican army after eating too many chimichangas citing a bad case of the Daniel Boones.
- In November of 1839, seven strangers were picked to live on a ranch, work together, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start running Texas. This was both the conception of the Texas congress AND the inspiration for MTV's The Real World.
- In August of 1840, the Battle of Plum Creek was fought. It ended when everyone realized what a silly name the "Battle of Plum Creek" was for a battle.
- According to LSJunction.com, in March of 1842, "A Mexican force of over 500 men under Rafael Vasquez invaded Texas for the first time since the revolution. They briefly occupied San Antonio, but soon headed back to the Rio Grande." San Antonio responded collectively with--"Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me."
- In March of 1843, seventeen Texans were executed in the Black Bean Episode. (Seriously, who comes up with these names?)
- In 1845, James Polk tries to annex Texas. Texas tells Polk he better buy her dinner first.
- According to LSJunction.com, "in October 1876, the Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas opened and marked the state's first venture into public higher education. Tuition totaled $10 per semester." For that ten dollars, you got an education, a sheep, and a plate of chili.
- Also on LSJ, "in September of 1883, the University of Texas opened its doors in Austin for its inaugural session. First courses were offered in the Academic Department and a Law Department." It also offered a seminar in how to distort history for religious fanatics and wacko conservatives. It's still a very popular class.
- In 1891, James Hogg becomes the first native-born governor of Texas.
Opinion: When your first native-born governor is named "Hogg," I think you might be heading in the wrong direction.
- In 1978, "Dallas" premieres on television. It's the story of what happened after Major Nelson threw Jeannie's bottle back into the ocean, moved to Texas, and changed his name to J.R.
- In 1985, Pee Wee Herman leaves Texas when he finds out the Alamo doesn't have a basement. Texas would never recover.
Here are a few historical nuggets that, up until now, were allowed to fall by the wayside:
- First, Texas was founded by this man: http://www.yosemitescouting.org/images/Yosemite%20Sam.bmp
- In 1888, Texas was overrun by drag queens. They stormed the Alamo and attempted to turn it into a mimosa bar. Luckily, the Texans got them out, and banned the drinking of mimosas within two miles of the Alamo.
- The Grass Fight near San Antonio was won by the Texans under Jim Bowie and Ed Burleson. Instead of silver, however, the Texans gained a worthless bounty of grass. (I'm not making this up, it actually happened. See http://www.lsjunction.com/events/events.htm)
- The Texas Declaration of Independence is signed by Dolly Parton, Burt Reynolds, and several singing prostitutes.
- Sam Houston retreats from the Mexican army after eating too many chimichangas citing a bad case of the Daniel Boones.
- In November of 1839, seven strangers were picked to live on a ranch, work together, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start running Texas. This was both the conception of the Texas congress AND the inspiration for MTV's The Real World.
- In August of 1840, the Battle of Plum Creek was fought. It ended when everyone realized what a silly name the "Battle of Plum Creek" was for a battle.
- According to LSJunction.com, in March of 1842, "A Mexican force of over 500 men under Rafael Vasquez invaded Texas for the first time since the revolution. They briefly occupied San Antonio, but soon headed back to the Rio Grande." San Antonio responded collectively with--"Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me."
- In March of 1843, seventeen Texans were executed in the Black Bean Episode. (Seriously, who comes up with these names?)
- In 1845, James Polk tries to annex Texas. Texas tells Polk he better buy her dinner first.
- According to LSJunction.com, "in October 1876, the Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas opened and marked the state's first venture into public higher education. Tuition totaled $10 per semester." For that ten dollars, you got an education, a sheep, and a plate of chili.
- Also on LSJ, "in September of 1883, the University of Texas opened its doors in Austin for its inaugural session. First courses were offered in the Academic Department and a Law Department." It also offered a seminar in how to distort history for religious fanatics and wacko conservatives. It's still a very popular class.
- In 1891, James Hogg becomes the first native-born governor of Texas.
Opinion: When your first native-born governor is named "Hogg," I think you might be heading in the wrong direction.
- In 1978, "Dallas" premieres on television. It's the story of what happened after Major Nelson threw Jeannie's bottle back into the ocean, moved to Texas, and changed his name to J.R.
- In 1985, Pee Wee Herman leaves Texas when he finds out the Alamo doesn't have a basement. Texas would never recover.
Comments
Post a Comment