There's a group of people out there that are getting harder and harder to identify:
Racists.
That's why I've come up with this handy guide so that you can tell when you're talking to a racist.
Who knows? You might already be married to a racist. Your cousin might be a racist. In the words of the musical Avenue Q, "Everyone's a little bit racist," but some people are really racist--and sneaky about it, too.
So here's how you spot a racist:
1) They say things like "I'm not a racist, but..." Anything following that is going to be racist. That's your first tip: Racists say racist things. It's the same way with homophobic people. If someone says "I'm not homophobic, but the gays are going to burn," it doesn't really matter that they denied BEING homophobic, because they immediately followed it up with a homophobic statement. "I'm not a racist, but was slavery really all that bad?" See that? You might think to yourself--"Well, he said he wasn't a racist, so he can't be. I mean, that last part was really bad, but he made it a point to say he's not a racist so that's that." Nope. Doesn't work that way. So watch those opening lines.
2) They talk about hating affirmative action. Oh sure, not agreeing with affirmative action doesn't necessarily make you a racist, but there are some people who go out of their way to talk about it.
For example, let's say you're at a baby shower--
"Helen, this baby is going to be so loved."
"He sure is, Helen, but he's probably not going to get into college because all those goddamn Eskimos are taking up all the spots."
See how that person sneakily brought in that little bit of anti-affirmative action propaganda? That means she's a racist. Again, not because she doesn't believe in affirmative action, but because of how vocal she is about it.
Let's look at another example. Say you're at your parents wedding anniversary--
"Mom and Dad, thank you for sharing your love with all of us."
"Yes, Mom and Dad, thank you for earning your place in all of our hearts. Not like how Indians earn their places at Ivy League colleges because they're in the minority."
Forget arguing with these people. They're racists. You can't argue with racists. It's like arguing with koala bears, because koala bears hate minorities too.
"But what about the fact that for hundreds of years, many different groups of people were blocked from receiving higher education? Shouldn't we be blaming our forefathers who acted so disgracefully rather than blame people today who are being given the chance that their ancestors weren't? Shouldn't we also acknowledge that people get unfair advantages in this country for all sorts of reasons? Schools that openly take legacy candidates even when they get poor grades in high school and undergrad? Schools that still cater to the rich? What about that?"
Usually when presented with this argument, a racist will throw up on you.
That's another way to tell who is or isn't a racist.
3) Racists like to throw people out of America.
"Did you hear there was a bombing in Kansas?"
"Close the borders! Kick 'em all out!"
"Um, I think it was an exploding furnace."
"Kick 'em out anyway!"
"Who's 'em?"
They forget that almost every one of us is descended from either persecuted religious Puritans that subsequently persecuted others making them hypocrites OR smelly immigrants who came to this country with just enough English to pass a citizenship test and never learned another word.
Did you like what I just said?
You're probably a racist.
Follow these helpful tips, and you'll be able to keep those racists in your life at a safe distance.
PS. A safe distance for a racist is about three and a half miles, or inside the nearest portable latrine.
Racists.
That's why I've come up with this handy guide so that you can tell when you're talking to a racist.
Who knows? You might already be married to a racist. Your cousin might be a racist. In the words of the musical Avenue Q, "Everyone's a little bit racist," but some people are really racist--and sneaky about it, too.
So here's how you spot a racist:
1) They say things like "I'm not a racist, but..." Anything following that is going to be racist. That's your first tip: Racists say racist things. It's the same way with homophobic people. If someone says "I'm not homophobic, but the gays are going to burn," it doesn't really matter that they denied BEING homophobic, because they immediately followed it up with a homophobic statement. "I'm not a racist, but was slavery really all that bad?" See that? You might think to yourself--"Well, he said he wasn't a racist, so he can't be. I mean, that last part was really bad, but he made it a point to say he's not a racist so that's that." Nope. Doesn't work that way. So watch those opening lines.
2) They talk about hating affirmative action. Oh sure, not agreeing with affirmative action doesn't necessarily make you a racist, but there are some people who go out of their way to talk about it.
For example, let's say you're at a baby shower--
"Helen, this baby is going to be so loved."
"He sure is, Helen, but he's probably not going to get into college because all those goddamn Eskimos are taking up all the spots."
See how that person sneakily brought in that little bit of anti-affirmative action propaganda? That means she's a racist. Again, not because she doesn't believe in affirmative action, but because of how vocal she is about it.
Let's look at another example. Say you're at your parents wedding anniversary--
"Mom and Dad, thank you for sharing your love with all of us."
"Yes, Mom and Dad, thank you for earning your place in all of our hearts. Not like how Indians earn their places at Ivy League colleges because they're in the minority."
Forget arguing with these people. They're racists. You can't argue with racists. It's like arguing with koala bears, because koala bears hate minorities too.
"But what about the fact that for hundreds of years, many different groups of people were blocked from receiving higher education? Shouldn't we be blaming our forefathers who acted so disgracefully rather than blame people today who are being given the chance that their ancestors weren't? Shouldn't we also acknowledge that people get unfair advantages in this country for all sorts of reasons? Schools that openly take legacy candidates even when they get poor grades in high school and undergrad? Schools that still cater to the rich? What about that?"
Usually when presented with this argument, a racist will throw up on you.
That's another way to tell who is or isn't a racist.
3) Racists like to throw people out of America.
"Did you hear there was a bombing in Kansas?"
"Close the borders! Kick 'em all out!"
"Um, I think it was an exploding furnace."
"Kick 'em out anyway!"
"Who's 'em?"
They forget that almost every one of us is descended from either persecuted religious Puritans that subsequently persecuted others making them hypocrites OR smelly immigrants who came to this country with just enough English to pass a citizenship test and never learned another word.
Did you like what I just said?
You're probably a racist.
Follow these helpful tips, and you'll be able to keep those racists in your life at a safe distance.
PS. A safe distance for a racist is about three and a half miles, or inside the nearest portable latrine.
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