Larry King is now seeking his 8th divorce with his seventh wife. Here's a walk through some of his previous marriages:
Wife #1: In 82 B.C., Larry married Ozi--at least, I think that was her name. This was before the alphabet was invented. He dragged her away from the fire pit, and brought her back to his stone hut near the Great River where he began hosting Larry King Live thousands of years before television. It was a huge hit in the Clan of the Brown Monkey. Larry's new found fame put a schism between he and Ozi, and he divorced her. Shortly thereafter, she was eaten by a raptor.
Wife #2: The second lucky lady to snag Larry's eighty-seven year old heart was one Helga Svonstead. She came over with the Vikings to the New World, where Larry was reporting on a boon in the elk population. They shared many a passionate night on Helga's ship--eating herring and singing 'Er det alt din horn eller er du rättvis lycklig över se jag?' which loosely translates into 'Is that your horn or are you just happy to see me?' Like the other Vikings, Helga was forced to return to her homeland, but not before she married Larry in a beautiful Viking marriage ceremony. What Larry and Helga didn't realize was that the Vikings didn't let girls marry outside the tribe, so what they thought was a marriage ceremony was actually an execution. They lit afire the raft Larry and Helga were floating on, and Larry escaped only after clinging to the wood for hours and...Wait, this might have been 'Titantic'...Well, either way, they got divorced.
Wife #3: Larry met his third wife, Gwen, during the Black Plague. Larry was reporting on the plague, even though the only news at the time was 'Everyone's Dying!' and 'Everyone's Dying Except Larry King!' For these reports, he won his first Peabody. Gwen was the widow of a local gravedigger. She was also the only person aside from Larry who wasn't coughing up her own organs. And so, they married. Unfortunately, when people stopped dying, Larry and Gwen's marriage did just that. Few survive after the romantic atmosphere caused by worldwide devastation has subsided. Such is love...
Wife #4: Larry's fourth wife was a daughter of the American Revolution. I mean that just as it sounds--she was the daughter of Paul Revere. Sally Revere was a separatist like her father, whereas Larry just wanted to drink ale with Sam Adams and the boys down at Ye Olde CNN Commissary. Soon, a very 'The Way We Were'-esque thing developed between them until finally Sally left Larry to go dress up like a boy and fight in the Battle of Saratoga. Larry's only public comments on the subject were: "You know, she wasn't a bad lookin' fella, but I just wasn't interested.'
Wife #5: Carrie Fisher--enough said.
Wife #6: Larry met sharpshooter and all-around Wild West cowgirl Lanie Burke on the vaudeville circuit. Back then, Larry would emcee the shows, and shack up with a chorus girl or two. That was until Lanie made an honest man out of him. The two of them became inseparable, and soon they were performing in their own revue--'Larry and Lanie, the Quick and the Should-Be-Dead.' It was a huge hit across the country, but when vaudeville went out of favor, Larry wanted to turn the act into a sitcom and get involved with that old visual temptress known as television. Lanie said 'No,' and Larry cut her loose. She wound up opening a burlesque house and roast chicken franchise in Phoenix, and when she died they found a picture of Larry in her bedroom...with seventeen bullet holes in it.
Wife #7: The last of Larry King's spouses was a girl named Mary Ann, who Larry met in Greenwich, Connecticut in 1964. Mary Ann was a wild girl. She and Larry would make love in the "evocative Connecticut countryside" and often they would wake up with poetry written in ink all over their bodies. Soon, Mary Ann became too unfettered for Larry to manage, so he had her committed. When she got out, they soon resumed their hedonistic ways, eventually forming a cult that was disbanded in the late 80's by a government raid. Finally, in 2010, Mary Ann asked for a divorce from Larry, and he gave it to her, but it broke his heart. Mary Ann, now known as actress Glenn Close, had to focus on her television show 'Damages' and on regaining her overall creepy demeanor that was somehow lost in the 80's.
And so, as the sun rises and sets, Larry King is once again a bachelor.
And the gays are still not allowed to marry.
(Just sayin')
Wife #1: In 82 B.C., Larry married Ozi--at least, I think that was her name. This was before the alphabet was invented. He dragged her away from the fire pit, and brought her back to his stone hut near the Great River where he began hosting Larry King Live thousands of years before television. It was a huge hit in the Clan of the Brown Monkey. Larry's new found fame put a schism between he and Ozi, and he divorced her. Shortly thereafter, she was eaten by a raptor.
Wife #2: The second lucky lady to snag Larry's eighty-seven year old heart was one Helga Svonstead. She came over with the Vikings to the New World, where Larry was reporting on a boon in the elk population. They shared many a passionate night on Helga's ship--eating herring and singing 'Er det alt din horn eller er du rättvis lycklig över se jag?' which loosely translates into 'Is that your horn or are you just happy to see me?' Like the other Vikings, Helga was forced to return to her homeland, but not before she married Larry in a beautiful Viking marriage ceremony. What Larry and Helga didn't realize was that the Vikings didn't let girls marry outside the tribe, so what they thought was a marriage ceremony was actually an execution. They lit afire the raft Larry and Helga were floating on, and Larry escaped only after clinging to the wood for hours and...Wait, this might have been 'Titantic'...Well, either way, they got divorced.
Wife #3: Larry met his third wife, Gwen, during the Black Plague. Larry was reporting on the plague, even though the only news at the time was 'Everyone's Dying!' and 'Everyone's Dying Except Larry King!' For these reports, he won his first Peabody. Gwen was the widow of a local gravedigger. She was also the only person aside from Larry who wasn't coughing up her own organs. And so, they married. Unfortunately, when people stopped dying, Larry and Gwen's marriage did just that. Few survive after the romantic atmosphere caused by worldwide devastation has subsided. Such is love...
Wife #4: Larry's fourth wife was a daughter of the American Revolution. I mean that just as it sounds--she was the daughter of Paul Revere. Sally Revere was a separatist like her father, whereas Larry just wanted to drink ale with Sam Adams and the boys down at Ye Olde CNN Commissary. Soon, a very 'The Way We Were'-esque thing developed between them until finally Sally left Larry to go dress up like a boy and fight in the Battle of Saratoga. Larry's only public comments on the subject were: "You know, she wasn't a bad lookin' fella, but I just wasn't interested.'
Wife #5: Carrie Fisher--enough said.
Wife #6: Larry met sharpshooter and all-around Wild West cowgirl Lanie Burke on the vaudeville circuit. Back then, Larry would emcee the shows, and shack up with a chorus girl or two. That was until Lanie made an honest man out of him. The two of them became inseparable, and soon they were performing in their own revue--'Larry and Lanie, the Quick and the Should-Be-Dead.' It was a huge hit across the country, but when vaudeville went out of favor, Larry wanted to turn the act into a sitcom and get involved with that old visual temptress known as television. Lanie said 'No,' and Larry cut her loose. She wound up opening a burlesque house and roast chicken franchise in Phoenix, and when she died they found a picture of Larry in her bedroom...with seventeen bullet holes in it.
Wife #7: The last of Larry King's spouses was a girl named Mary Ann, who Larry met in Greenwich, Connecticut in 1964. Mary Ann was a wild girl. She and Larry would make love in the "evocative Connecticut countryside" and often they would wake up with poetry written in ink all over their bodies. Soon, Mary Ann became too unfettered for Larry to manage, so he had her committed. When she got out, they soon resumed their hedonistic ways, eventually forming a cult that was disbanded in the late 80's by a government raid. Finally, in 2010, Mary Ann asked for a divorce from Larry, and he gave it to her, but it broke his heart. Mary Ann, now known as actress Glenn Close, had to focus on her television show 'Damages' and on regaining her overall creepy demeanor that was somehow lost in the 80's.
And so, as the sun rises and sets, Larry King is once again a bachelor.
And the gays are still not allowed to marry.
(Just sayin')
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