I recently had lunch with my good friend, Suri Cruise.
We met at Pop Pop, the premiere hang-out for underage celebrities, and by underage I mean six and under--the sippy cups are made out of platinum.
Suri's nanny dropped her off, and right away, she looked perturbed.
SURI: I see they gave my table to Apple...again.
I looked over to see Apple Martin gossiping with SJP's two daughters over orange juice mocktails.
SURI: Ugh, Apple is so old. Why doesn't she hang out with geriatrics her own age?
ME: Suri, I'm, like, twenty years older than her.
SURI: I know, you're ancient, but that's, like, big right now. Being ancient, not just old. So you're cool.
ME: Okay, great.
Despite the stamp of approval, sitting in a high chair was starting to chafe.
ME: Don't they have normal chairs here?
SURI: Stop being a biz-natch.
ME: Sorry.
SURI: I can't wait until I'm fourteen so I can say real swear words.
She e-mailed somebody on her blackberry and then laughed.
SURI: Tobey Maguire is such a flirt.
ME: You're flirting with Tobey Maguire?
SURI: Nooo, he's flirting with me. I don't flirt with people that aren't bankable at the box office. Mommy taught me that.
I was glad she brought up her parents. I'd been dying to know what life was like in the Cruise home.
ME: So how are your Mom and Dad?
SURI: Mom's bleh. I think she's manic or something. She keeps watching her old movies on a loop and crying.
ME: I'm sorry.
SURI: You should be. Have you ever seen Disturbing Behavior? It's, like, the worst movie ever. I'm so traumatized. Who was representing her back then?
ME: Well--
SURI: I wish Michelle Williams were my mom. She transitioned into movies wayyy better.
The waiter arrived. He was dressed up like a giant duck, and before he took our orders he sang a verse of "If You're Happy and You Know It."
I ordered a Cobb salad. Suri ordered two carrots and a mock mojito.
SURI: Gotta watch my figure. They're considering me for the new Dolce toddler campaign.
ME: Is your father okay with that?
SURI: As if I would take career advice from him. Have you seen Vanilla Sky? What a disaster.
ME: I think it's kind of under-appreciated--
SURI: More like under the counter at a defunct Blockbuster. Were you all on drugs back in 1997?
ME: Some of us...
SURI: Ugh, talk about the Dark Ages.
Our order came, and after another round of mocktails, Suri started opening up about her father's religion.
SURI: ...And if I have a clown at my birthday party, Daddy says the alien leaders of our home planet will be displeased, and then we won't get first lift-off when the invasion happens.
ME: And you...believe that?
SURI: Ew, no! But if I say I do then Santa brings me more presents so I tell Daddy what he wants to hear. I wasn't born yesterday.
ME: Yeah, you were born four years ago.
SURI: Oh to be young again.
By that time it was two o'clock, and Suri had to go home for her afternoon nap.
SURI: I'm supposed to go the premiere of Daddy's new movie tonight. I don't know why I can't just nap then. Have you seen the trailer? It's like two hits on the Snooze Button.
ME: I don't know. I like Cameron Diaz a lot.
SURI: Daddy's trying to convert her to his religion--and I use that term loosely.
ME: Do you think it'll work?
SURI: If it doesn't, he'll just do what he did to Mommy--knock her out, drag her to the lab, take out half her frontal lobe, and use her as a husk with which to breed more genius children that one will day take over the world.
There was a silence, and then Suri began to laugh.
I joined her, and pretty soon we were bellowing so hard we almost fell out of our respective high chairs.
Then she stopped, leaned in, and whispered--
SURI: No, but seriously, that's what happened.
Her nanny picked her up out of her chair.
SURI: Hey! Careful, Mosita, this pea coat costs more than your green card. And we better be heading to Starbucks after this. I'm going to need at least three lattes to get through Daddy's cinematic gem tonight.
And with that, she was carried away--looking cute as a button.
We met at Pop Pop, the premiere hang-out for underage celebrities, and by underage I mean six and under--the sippy cups are made out of platinum.
Suri's nanny dropped her off, and right away, she looked perturbed.
SURI: I see they gave my table to Apple...again.
I looked over to see Apple Martin gossiping with SJP's two daughters over orange juice mocktails.
SURI: Ugh, Apple is so old. Why doesn't she hang out with geriatrics her own age?
ME: Suri, I'm, like, twenty years older than her.
SURI: I know, you're ancient, but that's, like, big right now. Being ancient, not just old. So you're cool.
ME: Okay, great.
Despite the stamp of approval, sitting in a high chair was starting to chafe.
ME: Don't they have normal chairs here?
SURI: Stop being a biz-natch.
ME: Sorry.
SURI: I can't wait until I'm fourteen so I can say real swear words.
She e-mailed somebody on her blackberry and then laughed.
SURI: Tobey Maguire is such a flirt.
ME: You're flirting with Tobey Maguire?
SURI: Nooo, he's flirting with me. I don't flirt with people that aren't bankable at the box office. Mommy taught me that.
I was glad she brought up her parents. I'd been dying to know what life was like in the Cruise home.
ME: So how are your Mom and Dad?
SURI: Mom's bleh. I think she's manic or something. She keeps watching her old movies on a loop and crying.
ME: I'm sorry.
SURI: You should be. Have you ever seen Disturbing Behavior? It's, like, the worst movie ever. I'm so traumatized. Who was representing her back then?
ME: Well--
SURI: I wish Michelle Williams were my mom. She transitioned into movies wayyy better.
The waiter arrived. He was dressed up like a giant duck, and before he took our orders he sang a verse of "If You're Happy and You Know It."
I ordered a Cobb salad. Suri ordered two carrots and a mock mojito.
SURI: Gotta watch my figure. They're considering me for the new Dolce toddler campaign.
ME: Is your father okay with that?
SURI: As if I would take career advice from him. Have you seen Vanilla Sky? What a disaster.
ME: I think it's kind of under-appreciated--
SURI: More like under the counter at a defunct Blockbuster. Were you all on drugs back in 1997?
ME: Some of us...
SURI: Ugh, talk about the Dark Ages.
Our order came, and after another round of mocktails, Suri started opening up about her father's religion.
SURI: ...And if I have a clown at my birthday party, Daddy says the alien leaders of our home planet will be displeased, and then we won't get first lift-off when the invasion happens.
ME: And you...believe that?
SURI: Ew, no! But if I say I do then Santa brings me more presents so I tell Daddy what he wants to hear. I wasn't born yesterday.
ME: Yeah, you were born four years ago.
SURI: Oh to be young again.
By that time it was two o'clock, and Suri had to go home for her afternoon nap.
SURI: I'm supposed to go the premiere of Daddy's new movie tonight. I don't know why I can't just nap then. Have you seen the trailer? It's like two hits on the Snooze Button.
ME: I don't know. I like Cameron Diaz a lot.
SURI: Daddy's trying to convert her to his religion--and I use that term loosely.
ME: Do you think it'll work?
SURI: If it doesn't, he'll just do what he did to Mommy--knock her out, drag her to the lab, take out half her frontal lobe, and use her as a husk with which to breed more genius children that one will day take over the world.
There was a silence, and then Suri began to laugh.
I joined her, and pretty soon we were bellowing so hard we almost fell out of our respective high chairs.
Then she stopped, leaned in, and whispered--
SURI: No, but seriously, that's what happened.
Her nanny picked her up out of her chair.
SURI: Hey! Careful, Mosita, this pea coat costs more than your green card. And we better be heading to Starbucks after this. I'm going to need at least three lattes to get through Daddy's cinematic gem tonight.
And with that, she was carried away--looking cute as a button.
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