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My Lunch with Jordan Knight

The other day, I was in Wales in desperate need of $1200. So, of course, I called my friend Jordan Knight, who has a small house in the Welsh countryside.

He didn't have $1200 on him, but he did offer to lend me two sheep.

I declined his offer, but then I ended up getting $1200 sent to me by a lovely woman in Africa who happens to be the daughter of a deposed dictator.

She even threw in an extra hundred, so I called Jordan back and offered to take him to lunch.

He met me at a cafe, and pretty soon, it was like the years since we last saw each other disappeared into the mist.

...The mists of Wales, I mean.

JORDAN: Yo man, what's good?
ME: Here? The chicken salad.
JORDAN: I mean with ya life.
ME: Oh...um, well, I've been doing theater.
JORDAN: I f#$king love the theater, bitch! I wrote a musical once.
ME: What was it called?
JORDAN: The Phantom of the Opera.
ME: I don't think you wrote that one.
JORDAN: Ohhhhh you called me on it, dawg! Called me right OUT!

Once we ordered, we started talking about Jordan's glory days.

JORDAN: Remember when I won that Oscar?
ME: I don't think you did.
JORDAN: I sang with Jodie Foster!
ME: I think that was Michael Jackson--or something.
JORDAN: I thought you were one of my fans!
ME: I am! I even bought your solo album.
JORDAN: Songs in the Key of Life?
ME: No--the one with 'Give It to You' on it.
JORDAN: That song was HOT.
ME: Remember the video when you danced at the carnival.
JORDAN: Yup yup.
ME: Why were you at a carnival?
JORDAN: Because life is a rollercoaster.
ME: But you weren't even dancing with a girl in that video.
JORDAN: Life is a girl.
ME: What does that even mean?
JORDAN: Life is a potted plant.
ME: Okay, let's just eat.

While we were having our lunch, Jordan stopped some people passing by our table.

JORDAN: Okay, okay, I'll do it.
RANDOM GIRL: Do what?
JORDAN: Sign your knockahs.
RANDOM GIRL: Excuse me?
JORDAN: I'm Jordan Knight.
RANDOM GIRL: Um...okay?
ME: He's a member of New Kids on the Block.
RANDOM GIRL: Ohhhh! Were you the one who sang 'Stay the Same?'
JORDAN: No, that was Joey.
RANDOM GIRL: Were you the one that was in 'Boomtown?'
JORDAN: That was Donnie.
RANDOM GIRL: Are you the one that has those adorable anxiety attacks?
JORDAN: That's my brother.
RANDOM GIRL: So you're the one that got nominated for an Oscar for 'The Departed?'
JORDAN: That's Mark Wahlberg! He's not even in the band.

I decided to step in and help the situation.

ME: Jordan was on The Surreal Life.
RANDOM GIRL: Didn't you hit on Ryan Starr and she shot you down?

Jordan smiled and nodded.

JORDAN: Yup yup.
RANDOM GIRL: Oh my God! I love Ryan Starr!

I apologized to the girl for Jordan's offer to sign her chest, and sent her on her way. Luckily the Welsh are an 'easy-come, easy-go' sort of people.

JORDAN: Kev, this was fun. When are we getting lunch again?
ME: Well, I probably won't be making random trips to Wales for at least another three months, but maybe after that?
JORDAN: Sounds good. I'm going to be in America next month shooting the last Twilight film.
ME: No, you're not.
JORDAN: Ohhhhh you called me on it, dawg! Called me right OUT!

I certainly did.

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