Now that we've reverted back to the Cold War with cold spies popping up everywhere from suburban households to Starbucks, it might be good to update some of the methods the previous generation used for catching Russian spies.
Here are some tips:
1) If you have a friend with a Russian name, check their Facebook accounts. If they're hobbies include "Watching 'La Femme Nikita'" and "Reading Kruschev biographies" and "Attempting to assassinate diplomats" then I would probably defriend them and alert the government. They're probably a secret Russian spy.
2) If you notice someone in a coffee shop saying random things to people walking up to them for seemingly no reason--be alert. Conversations may sound something like this:
"Have you seen the eagle eating the monkey?"
"I saw it yesterday in the HAMPTONS."
"Was there a bulldog nearby?"
"I saw it yesterday in the HAMPTONS."
"And did you finish the eclair?"
"I saw it yesterday in the HAMPTONS...and yes, I'd like the steak at the Russian Spy reunion dinner."
"You mean you'd like to dunk the eagle in the soda water?"
"Damn, yes, that's exactly what I meant."
You're probably listening to secret Russian spies.
3) If you notice your cousin has been drinking an awful lot of vodka, or eating a tremendous amount of borscht, or watching "Police Academy: Mission to Moscow," he or she is probably a secret Russian spy. (If they're watching "PA: MTM" they're at least mentally unsound.)
4) If you go out to a bar with them, a bar fight ensues, and you see them disable a man using two quarters and an empty bowl of peanuts, they're probably a secret Russian spy.
5) If every time you say "democracy," they flinch and throw up a little like a carsick chihuahua, they're probably a secret Russian spy.
Keep these tips in mind, and pretty soon you can get scared red all over again!
Here are some tips:
1) If you have a friend with a Russian name, check their Facebook accounts. If they're hobbies include "Watching 'La Femme Nikita'" and "Reading Kruschev biographies" and "Attempting to assassinate diplomats" then I would probably defriend them and alert the government. They're probably a secret Russian spy.
2) If you notice someone in a coffee shop saying random things to people walking up to them for seemingly no reason--be alert. Conversations may sound something like this:
"Have you seen the eagle eating the monkey?"
"I saw it yesterday in the HAMPTONS."
"Was there a bulldog nearby?"
"I saw it yesterday in the HAMPTONS."
"And did you finish the eclair?"
"I saw it yesterday in the HAMPTONS...and yes, I'd like the steak at the Russian Spy reunion dinner."
"You mean you'd like to dunk the eagle in the soda water?"
"Damn, yes, that's exactly what I meant."
You're probably listening to secret Russian spies.
3) If you notice your cousin has been drinking an awful lot of vodka, or eating a tremendous amount of borscht, or watching "Police Academy: Mission to Moscow," he or she is probably a secret Russian spy. (If they're watching "PA: MTM" they're at least mentally unsound.)
4) If you go out to a bar with them, a bar fight ensues, and you see them disable a man using two quarters and an empty bowl of peanuts, they're probably a secret Russian spy.
5) If every time you say "democracy," they flinch and throw up a little like a carsick chihuahua, they're probably a secret Russian spy.
Keep these tips in mind, and pretty soon you can get scared red all over again!
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