Recently, the last person alive not on Facebook was found in a cave on the Vermont/New Hampshire line.
His name is Ralph Freitas, and he was shocked to learn that there was such a thing as Facebook.
When it was explained to him that he'd been missing out connecting with everyone he's ever met in his entire life, his response was--
"Oh, I can do that now!"
He then whistled using two of his fingers, and in a matter of moments, three adorable chipmunks ran out of the forest and right up to him.
When interviewed, the chipmunks said that they'd tried to talk Ralph into getting Facebook, but he was hopeless with a computer.
One of the chipmunks turned out to be Bucky, star of the viral sensation "Bucky Looks at a Camera for Eight Minutes."
Ralph's cave was in decent condition for a man who has absolutely no idea that Betty White is cool again or that his third grade teacher is currently baking muffins.
It was impossible to determine his age, as he is not on Facebook, and therefore his birthday has never been broadcast in the right part of any computer screen.
In many ways, it's like he's invisible.
We talked for a bit since talking was the only way we could find out anything about him.
Many of us hadn't conversed in years, and Ralph kept speaking in complete sentences without emoticons, so it was a difficult process.
We told him that if he had an info section, we could find out things about him more quickly and without ever having to actually spend time with him. We could learn his favorite movies, his sexual preferences, and whether or not his relationship with Bucky is "complicated."
Ralph didn't seem to like that idea, and pretty soon he was back inside his cave doing who knows what.
Soon, he'll die from isolation and/or whatever it was that was going on with his swollen right foot.
Until then, there's still one person left on the planet who hasn't experienced the awe and wonder of connecting with his fellow human beings.
We all planned on discussing it further over coffee, but a few of us had to get back home and check our inboxes.
His name is Ralph Freitas, and he was shocked to learn that there was such a thing as Facebook.
When it was explained to him that he'd been missing out connecting with everyone he's ever met in his entire life, his response was--
"Oh, I can do that now!"
He then whistled using two of his fingers, and in a matter of moments, three adorable chipmunks ran out of the forest and right up to him.
When interviewed, the chipmunks said that they'd tried to talk Ralph into getting Facebook, but he was hopeless with a computer.
One of the chipmunks turned out to be Bucky, star of the viral sensation "Bucky Looks at a Camera for Eight Minutes."
Ralph's cave was in decent condition for a man who has absolutely no idea that Betty White is cool again or that his third grade teacher is currently baking muffins.
It was impossible to determine his age, as he is not on Facebook, and therefore his birthday has never been broadcast in the right part of any computer screen.
In many ways, it's like he's invisible.
We talked for a bit since talking was the only way we could find out anything about him.
Many of us hadn't conversed in years, and Ralph kept speaking in complete sentences without emoticons, so it was a difficult process.
We told him that if he had an info section, we could find out things about him more quickly and without ever having to actually spend time with him. We could learn his favorite movies, his sexual preferences, and whether or not his relationship with Bucky is "complicated."
Ralph didn't seem to like that idea, and pretty soon he was back inside his cave doing who knows what.
Soon, he'll die from isolation and/or whatever it was that was going on with his swollen right foot.
Until then, there's still one person left on the planet who hasn't experienced the awe and wonder of connecting with his fellow human beings.
We all planned on discussing it further over coffee, but a few of us had to get back home and check our inboxes.
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