How to Tell When People on Facebook Want to Have Sex With You

Facebook has changed the way we live.  It's altered communication and made it possible for people to connect in ways never thought possible until now.

It has also broken ground in one particular area:

Letting people know you want to have sex with them.

Of course, directness is still not something people exercise a lot of on Facebook, so it can be difficult to tell when somebody wants to have sex with you.

That's why I've come up with this guide for people who think other people might be trying to sleep with them, but aren't entirely sure.

Example:  "Great seeing you yesterday!  We should hang out soon!"

Code for--Yesterday I saw you and remembered how much I want to have sex with you.  We should hang out soon so I can have sex with you.  That would be awesome.

Example:  "You suck at everything.  Just thought you should know."

Code for--I'm doing that thing kids do on the playground where I pretend not to like you when really we both know I want to have sex with you.  I've carefully chosen the word "suck" in the hopes that it'll get you thinking about other things.  I'm also a big believer in reverse psychology since I get the feeling you don't want to have sex with me, but might, if you thought I actually didn't like you, because clearly everybody born after 1984 is only capable of progressing to a fifth grade social level and then comes to a screeching halt.  The sex, however, is still awesome.

Example:  "Blue milkshakes ;)"

Code for--We share an inside joke that I'd like others to know about, because although we might not be having sex yet, I want people to think we're having it right now.  That way, you'll see all these other people looking at us like we've having sex, and you might think to yourself--"Hey, everybody thinks we're having sex.  Maybe we should."  And we'll have sex, and it'll be awesome.

Sidenote:  Any time a wink emoticon is utilized on a Facebook wall post, it doesn't just mean "I want to have sex with you," it means, "I want to punch you in the eye during sex."  Not a lot of people know that.

Example:  "Why weren't you at the party tonight?  We're in a fight :( "

Code for--Why weren't you at the party?  I got dressed up and got my hair perfect in the hopes that you or someone else attractive would be there that I could have sex with, and that did not happen.  The only way you can fix this is to have sex with me immediately.  Otherwise, I'll insinuate that we're fighting, even though we're not, because only couples and friends fight, and we're neither, and you won't return my calls anyway.  Notice my sad emoticon, which means, I was really horny that night, and pissed that we didn't get to have sex.  Nothing about last night was awesome.

Example:  "Hey, how are you?"

Code for--Hey, I don't really know how to flirt, so I'm just going to leave a basic greeting on your Facebook wall in the hopes that you'll see it, and think "Hey, I kinda want to have sex" and call me.  I wish I were more creative, but I promise I'm really good in bed, and maybe you appreciate the simple things in life like a simple "Hey, how are you?" or watching porn while eating ham sandwiches.  Maybe we're perfect for each other.  That would be awesome.

All right, kids.  Go check your Facebook walls.  See who wants to have sex with you.

You never know.  It might be awesome.