Despite the comprehensive nature of my last two notes, people are still writing to me saying--"Kevin, I think people are trying to have sex with me on Facebook, but what they're doing doesn't fall under the criteria listed in either of your two notes!"
To which I usually reply, "Grandma, get off Facebook."
Even so, I figured I'd write another note to give you all a little more help. This time, however, I'm taking a
different approach. I'm going to show you how to figure out if somebody doesn't want to have sex with you.
Because let's face it, there are way more of those people.
Let's begin:
If--You've been defriended as part of a "friend" purge.
Then that person is saying--I'm pretending that I'm just keeping people I know, when really I'm keeping everybody I want to have sex with and deleting all the people I don't want to have sex with, including some people I know. That means some people I don't know will be kept on the off-chance I one day can have sex with them. This includes this guy from Alaska named Raul, because you never know, one day I may be in Alaska. And Inuit sex is hot. So to summarize, I am prioritizing hot people I could one day have sex with over less attractive people that I actually know and may run into many times in the near future.
If--You were defriended suddenly and for seemingly no reason.
Then that person is saying--If you were to press me on this, I would say that I defriended you because you're annoying, but it's moreso because I don't want to have sex with you. I'm still friends with people that are wayyy more annoying than you, but I want to have sex with them. You'll be able to see this when you click on my profile and see that we still have tons of mutual friends in common, and all of them are more attractive than you. Luckily, you'll never confront me about this because you don't want to have an awkward moment. At least, that's what I'm counting on.
If--someone didn't accept your friend request.
Then that person is saying--If you were to bring up why I haven't accepted you, I would say it's because we haven't met, when in reality, it's because I don't want to have sex with you. I'll pretty much friend anybody that's cute. Of course, once I friend them, if I scan their photos and find out that they're not as cute in all of them as they are in their default photo, I will defriend them and claim I just wanted to see if I knew them, when in reality, if they had been cute, I totally would have kept them around. Sometimes I don't accept requests from people I've met, worked with, been at parties at, or even had as a roommate for three months, because I just don't want to have sex with them. This one time, I had sex with this kid and he turned out to be a total weirdo, but I still thought he was kind of cute, and in the event that he started taking his meds again, I didn't want to defriend him and then not be aware that he was medicated and therefore sane enough to have sex with again, and so instead I just defriended his friend for absolutely no reason, because I felt like I should defriend somebody as a result of the situation and his friend wasn't that hot anyway. When I log onto Facebook, I want my feed to be a long wall of people I want to bone. That is my dream.
Okay, kids. Go rule some people out.
To which I usually reply, "Grandma, get off Facebook."
Even so, I figured I'd write another note to give you all a little more help. This time, however, I'm taking a
different approach. I'm going to show you how to figure out if somebody doesn't want to have sex with you.
Because let's face it, there are way more of those people.
Let's begin:
If--You've been defriended as part of a "friend" purge.
Then that person is saying--I'm pretending that I'm just keeping people I know, when really I'm keeping everybody I want to have sex with and deleting all the people I don't want to have sex with, including some people I know. That means some people I don't know will be kept on the off-chance I one day can have sex with them. This includes this guy from Alaska named Raul, because you never know, one day I may be in Alaska. And Inuit sex is hot. So to summarize, I am prioritizing hot people I could one day have sex with over less attractive people that I actually know and may run into many times in the near future.
If--You were defriended suddenly and for seemingly no reason.
Then that person is saying--If you were to press me on this, I would say that I defriended you because you're annoying, but it's moreso because I don't want to have sex with you. I'm still friends with people that are wayyy more annoying than you, but I want to have sex with them. You'll be able to see this when you click on my profile and see that we still have tons of mutual friends in common, and all of them are more attractive than you. Luckily, you'll never confront me about this because you don't want to have an awkward moment. At least, that's what I'm counting on.
If--someone didn't accept your friend request.
Then that person is saying--If you were to bring up why I haven't accepted you, I would say it's because we haven't met, when in reality, it's because I don't want to have sex with you. I'll pretty much friend anybody that's cute. Of course, once I friend them, if I scan their photos and find out that they're not as cute in all of them as they are in their default photo, I will defriend them and claim I just wanted to see if I knew them, when in reality, if they had been cute, I totally would have kept them around. Sometimes I don't accept requests from people I've met, worked with, been at parties at, or even had as a roommate for three months, because I just don't want to have sex with them. This one time, I had sex with this kid and he turned out to be a total weirdo, but I still thought he was kind of cute, and in the event that he started taking his meds again, I didn't want to defriend him and then not be aware that he was medicated and therefore sane enough to have sex with again, and so instead I just defriended his friend for absolutely no reason, because I felt like I should defriend somebody as a result of the situation and his friend wasn't that hot anyway. When I log onto Facebook, I want my feed to be a long wall of people I want to bone. That is my dream.
Okay, kids. Go rule some people out.
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