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Andrew Holder, Facebook Detective

In the winter of 2011, an undercover operative from the F.B.I. encountered a domestic threat at a gay bar in New York.

Unfortunately for them, all they got was his first name, before he disappeared out of the club, and seemingly, into thin air.

Despite their extensive resources, the Bureau was unable to locate the threat or any information about him, until last week, when a suspect brought in for interrogation revealed that--

"He's on Facebook."

That's when they brought in the (little) big guns:

Andrew Holder.

ANDREW:  What do we got?
FBI CHIEF:  We know he's on Facebook, and that his name is Michael.
ANDREW:  That's it?
FBI CHIEF:  Is that enough?
ANDREW:  Pshh, bitch please.  Get me a coffee and Season 5 of Will and Grace.
FBI CHIEF:  That'll help you find him?
ANDREW:  No, I'm just tired from being out all night and I need a few laughs.  Now move.

Once Mr. Holder was set up in a secret location underneath Washington, D.C., he managed to make major headway using a laptop and his cell phone.

ANDREW:  Heyyyyy, how are you?
FBI CHIEF:  He's talking to one of the guys who was seen talking to our suspect at the bar.
ANDREW:  Could you guys please be quiet?  I'm working here.
FBI CHIEF:  Sorry.
ANDREW:  So who was that guy you were talking to?  Michael?  Right.  Do you know his last--uh huh.  Okay.  Well, where is he from?  Where did he go to school?  In his profile picture, is he standing behind a waterfall?
FBI CHIEF:  Wow, this guy gets right down to it.
ANDREW:  Okay, great.  By the way, what are you doing tonight?  Well, I don't know, I kinda wanted to go out, but I have to do this thing for the F.B.I, and then I''ll probably be tired...

Eight hours later, there was a major breakthrough.

ANDREW:  So we know he's probably friends with that shirtless kid he was dancing with on the box and that kid is friends with my friend Chris, so if you go to Chris' friends list, and look for the shirtless kid--
FBI CHIEF:  He's there, but you can't view his Friends List unless you're friends with him, and we don't want to friend him and tip off the suspect.
ANDREW:  I know!  So annoying.  But what I noticed was that shirtless guy is shirtless in his picture with another guy, which means they're--
FBI CHIEF:  Slutty friends!
ANDREW:  Right!  And slutty friends always have virtually the same group of friends in their friends list, so I found the other shirtless guy, friended him, and sure enough, he recently became friends with a guy named Thomas.
FBI CHIEF:  But our suspect's name is--
ANDREW:  Can you let me finish?
FBI CHIEF:  Sorry.
ANDREW:  Thomas doesn't have a private profile--the fool.  And when you scroll down on his info section, it doesn't say single, which means--
FBI CHIEF:  Does it say relationship?
ANDREW:  No.
FBI CHIEF:  Which means--
ANDREW:  He's in a secret relationship.
FBI CHIEF:  Or he just likes to keep his private life private.
ANDREW:  Hahaha that's a good one.  Okay, so I looked up the 'Michael's this Thomas guy is friends with, and there are three.  One is playing touch football outside of a church.
FBI CHIEF:  Straight guy.
ANDREW:  Probably a cousin.  One is a photo of a toucan.
FBI CHIEF:  Probably a spambot that he friended unknowingly.
ANDREW:  And the third is a guy with tight jeans in a t-shirt on taking his own photo in a bathroom mirror, the phone obscuring his face.
FBI CHIEF:  That's our guy!
ANDREW:  Get your hottie decoy to friend him.
FBI UNDERLING:  Already on it, Chief!  He just accepted my friend request.  He just checked in at the Starbucks down the street.
ANDREW:  Speaking of which, I'm out of coffee.
FBI CHIEF:  How can the Bureau ever repay you, Andrew?
ANDREW:  Can I interrogate this guy?  He's kind of hot.
FBI CHIEF:  Um...no.

The world is safe again...until next time.

ANDREW:  Hey, can I check my e-mail while I'm on here?

...Which probably will be fairly soon.

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