A few words of wisdom from my Grandmother:
On politicians:
They're all crooks and none of them have mothers.
On religion:
I don't have to go to church to be religious. I go to the church of me, and I'm a damn good priest.
On driving downtown:
I want to see your show but it's downtown and if I go down there I'll be killed in my sleep.
(Did you get that she planned on sleeping during the show? Just making sure.)
On natural disasters:
A natural disaster means God wants you to move. As soon as an earthquake hits Rhode Island, I'm out of here.
On my mother:
She works too hard, because she's a lunatic. Your mother is absolutely insane. She's lucky I love her. What other mother would put up with that much insanity?
On her cat:
I have to get home. Fluffy worries if I'm gone for more than an hour. I don't want him thinking I was killed downtown by some thugs while I was watching my grandson's play.
(Apparently, murderous thugs now enjoy taking in a play right before committing homicide.)
On the warehouse that is the trunk of her Cadillac:
Do you want a VCR? I have three of them. Two of them are blue. You look hungry? I got a watermelon in my trunk. I have a chicken too, but it's still in the cage.
On gay people:
All gay people are geniuses. That Elton John is a genius. There you go.
On getting married for what would be the third time:
I'll marry him if he's a hundred, rich, and hates his children.
On being a good grandmother:
My friend Myrtle told me that her grandson finally graduated from medical school. I said, 'Does he write plays that hundreds of people have seen and get articles in magazines about how handsome he is?' She said 'No.' I said 'Oh well, being a doctor's nice.' That'll be the last time she tries bragging to me.
On politicians:
They're all crooks and none of them have mothers.
On religion:
I don't have to go to church to be religious. I go to the church of me, and I'm a damn good priest.
On driving downtown:
I want to see your show but it's downtown and if I go down there I'll be killed in my sleep.
(Did you get that she planned on sleeping during the show? Just making sure.)
On natural disasters:
A natural disaster means God wants you to move. As soon as an earthquake hits Rhode Island, I'm out of here.
On my mother:
She works too hard, because she's a lunatic. Your mother is absolutely insane. She's lucky I love her. What other mother would put up with that much insanity?
On her cat:
I have to get home. Fluffy worries if I'm gone for more than an hour. I don't want him thinking I was killed downtown by some thugs while I was watching my grandson's play.
(Apparently, murderous thugs now enjoy taking in a play right before committing homicide.)
On the warehouse that is the trunk of her Cadillac:
Do you want a VCR? I have three of them. Two of them are blue. You look hungry? I got a watermelon in my trunk. I have a chicken too, but it's still in the cage.
On gay people:
All gay people are geniuses. That Elton John is a genius. There you go.
On getting married for what would be the third time:
I'll marry him if he's a hundred, rich, and hates his children.
On being a good grandmother:
My friend Myrtle told me that her grandson finally graduated from medical school. I said, 'Does he write plays that hundreds of people have seen and get articles in magazines about how handsome he is?' She said 'No.' I said 'Oh well, being a doctor's nice.' That'll be the last time she tries bragging to me.
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