Skip to main content

Andrew Holder, Facebook Detective in..."The Block"

The President was in a state of hysteria.

THE PRESIDENT: I think I've been blocked on Facebook.

There was no time to mess around.

We had to get Andrew Holder, Facebook Detective.

ANDREW: The first thing I need you to do is calm down. The second thing I need you to do is banish all my ex-boyfriends to whatever part of Florida has the most alligators and rename it 'Loser Town.'
THE PRESIDENT: If you can help me, you can have whatever you want.
ANDREW: That's what I like to hear. Well, that and fierce belting.

Andrew got to work to find out whether or not the President had been blocked, or if his former friend had just deactivated their account.

THE PRESIDENT: Maybe the Vice-President just isn't on Facebook anymore.
ANDREW: I can't hear you because there's a crazy person talking. Oh wait, that's you. Of course he's still on Facebook. He's not in witness protection, and if he was, I could find him using nothing but mutual friends.
THE PRESIDENT: So if you're so sure--
ANDREW: We have to prove that he's still on Facebook and that he blocked you.

A few hours later...

ANDREW: Bingo. This old note you wrote--something about poverty?
THE PRESIDENT: About how we have to fight to listen to the cries of the hungry--
ANDREW: Yeah, yeah, sad face, blah blah blah--do you see this space here where you asked a question and the response was given by a man whose picture is--
THE PRESIDENT: A question mark.
ANDREW: You've been blocked, Mr. President.

The President picked up his phone and dialed.

ANDREW: Can I go now? I have an audition for the Piddly Notch Music Theatre in North Dakota.
THE PRESIDENT: I'm sorry, Andrew, but you're wrapped up in this now.
ANDREW: Wrapped up in what? Who did I make out with?
THE PRESIDENT: Hello? Yes, it's me. We're going to need a new Vice-President.

To Be Continued...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A List of People Who Can Go to Hell Now That I Can't Have Elizabeth Warren

So today was a rough day for everybody who isn't a @#$%-ing #$%hole. Let's just start there. If that upsets you, by all means, go straight to hell. This entire rant is going to be exactly what it sounds like. I am mad and I am going to exercise my right to BLOG ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S 1995, SO BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP. I really don't even know where to start, so let's just jump right in with the first person who comes to mind. Bloomberg, go to hell.  You really didn't have anything specific to do with today, but you can just go to hell for spending an ungodly amount of money on literally nothing.  I mean, you could have lit millions of dollars on fire and at least warmed the hands of the homeless, but instead, you made tv stations across the country that are already owned by Conservatives rich, so kudos to you and go to hell. Amy Klobuchar, I STUCK UP FOR YOU AMY.  I got into FIGHTS on SOCIAL MEDIA while DEFENDING your sorry, self-interested ass.  You know
42 comments
Read more

Theater and the Outbreak

After last week's interview, a representative from a theater that recently experienced the results of opening too soon reached out to speak with me. I want to thank this person for coming forward in the hopes that it'll change some minds about what's safe and what isn't when it comes to the performing arts. Here's the interview: ME:  So this wasn't a full production or-- THEM:  No. It was us trying to do a little something for friends and donors. ME:  Who is 'us?' THEM:  The board of _____. ME:  And how long have you been on the board? THEM:  Three years. ME:  What was this going to be? THEM:  There's a, uh, beautiful park here in town, and we wanted to do an outdoor performance of a Shakespeare as a benefit, because, as you know, theaters are having a hard time right now paying the bills. We checked with the local government and the health department for the state to make sure we were doing everything the way we needed to in order to keep everyone s
7 comments
Read more

People You Know Are More Important Than People You Don't Know

This post is in response to arguing with people--straight and gay alike--about a certain celebrity, whether or not she's an ally, if she's pandering, if pandering matters, and whether or not I'm an asshole. The last part is probably an enthusiastic "Yes" but let's reflect on this for a bit anyway without actually giving more time to an argument about a person none of us know, which is a crucial part of what I want to talk about. People you know are more important than people you don't know. I realize it's tricky in an age where we've never been closer or more engaged to our celebrities to keep in mind that we do not know them, they are not our friends, and while we may love them and stan and feel like we're attacked when they're attacked-- That is not true. That is not real. They are in no tangible way connected to us. Now, as someone who is obsessed with pop culture, I get that it's a little hypocritical for me to be making
Post a Comment
Read more