Skip to main content

A Conversation with a Policeman

I was pulled over by a policeman for no reason.

Well, I mean, there was a reason, obviously. It just wasn't a good reason.

Maybe I'd better just let you read the conversation.

POLICE OFFICER: Hello there.
ME: Hello officer.
POLICE OFFICER: Is there a reason you pulled onto this side street?
ME: No.
POLICE OFFICER: No?
ME: No, there's not really a reason.
POLICE OFFICER: Do you live on this street?
ME: No.
POLICE OFFICER: Do you live anywhere near this street?
ME: No.
POLICE OFFICER: Then why did you turn onto it?
ME: Uh--
POLICE OFFICER: Because it's a dead-end street.
ME: I see that now.
POLICE OFFICER: Are you drunk?
ME: No, I don't drink.
POLICE OFFICER: Are you on drugs?
ME: No, I don't do drugs either. I especially don't do drugs.
POLICE OFFICER: Especially?
ME: Moreso than I don't drink.
POLICE OFFICER: So why did you turn onto a dead-end street?
ME: Because I don't like having police officers drive behind me.
POLICE OFFICER: Why not?
ME: It makes me nervous.
POLICE OFFICER: Do you have a record?
ME: No.
POLICE OFFICER: Is this car stolen?
ME: No.
POLICE OFFICER: Then why would you be nervous?
ME: Because I might be doing something wrong without realizing it.
POLICE OFFICER: Like what?
ME: Well, one time, my registration had expired, but I didn't know it, because they weren't sending the notifications out in the mail anymore. So I got pulled over for driving too slow--
POLICE OFFICER: Why were you driving too slow?
ME: Because I had a police officer behind me and I was worried about being pulled over for speeding.
POLICE OFFICER: How fast were you going?
ME: Nineteen in a thirty.
POLICE OFFICER: Well, that's ridiculous.
ME: I know, but my car doesn't really drive comfortably between twenty-five and thirty, so if I try to go thirty, I'm going to end up going thirty-five and getting pulled over. So it was just safer to go nineteen, but then I got pulled over anyway, and my registration was expired, unbeknownst to me, so my car got towed.
POLICE OFFICER: So now you don't drive in front of police officers?
ME: Not if I can help it.
POLICE OFFICER: But you have to.
ME: Why do I have to?
POLICE OFFICER: Because there's no reason not to.
ME: It makes me nervous.
POLICE OFFICER: Well when you pull off onto a dead-end street that you don't live on, you're going to get pulled over anyway.
ME: Next time, I'll just pull into a parking lot or something.
POLICE OFFICER: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
ME: Do you want my license?
POLICE OFFICER: No! Just get out of here.
ME: Okay.

I guess that's one way to not get a ticket for your driver's side mirror being broken.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A List of People Who Can Go to Hell Now That I Can't Have Elizabeth Warren

So today was a rough day for everybody who isn't a @#$%-ing #$%hole. Let's just start there. If that upsets you, by all means, go straight to hell. This entire rant is going to be exactly what it sounds like. I am mad and I am going to exercise my right to BLOG ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S 1995, SO BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP. I really don't even know where to start, so let's just jump right in with the first person who comes to mind. Bloomberg, go to hell.  You really didn't have anything specific to do with today, but you can just go to hell for spending an ungodly amount of money on literally nothing.  I mean, you could have lit millions of dollars on fire and at least warmed the hands of the homeless, but instead, you made tv stations across the country that are already owned by Conservatives rich, so kudos to you and go to hell. Amy Klobuchar, I STUCK UP FOR YOU AMY.  I got into FIGHTS on SOCIAL MEDIA while DEFENDING your sorry, self-interested ass.  You know
42 comments
Read more

Theater and the Outbreak

After last week's interview, a representative from a theater that recently experienced the results of opening too soon reached out to speak with me. I want to thank this person for coming forward in the hopes that it'll change some minds about what's safe and what isn't when it comes to the performing arts. Here's the interview: ME:  So this wasn't a full production or-- THEM:  No. It was us trying to do a little something for friends and donors. ME:  Who is 'us?' THEM:  The board of _____. ME:  And how long have you been on the board? THEM:  Three years. ME:  What was this going to be? THEM:  There's a, uh, beautiful park here in town, and we wanted to do an outdoor performance of a Shakespeare as a benefit, because, as you know, theaters are having a hard time right now paying the bills. We checked with the local government and the health department for the state to make sure we were doing everything the way we needed to in order to keep everyone s
7 comments
Read more

People You Know Are More Important Than People You Don't Know

This post is in response to arguing with people--straight and gay alike--about a certain celebrity, whether or not she's an ally, if she's pandering, if pandering matters, and whether or not I'm an asshole. The last part is probably an enthusiastic "Yes" but let's reflect on this for a bit anyway without actually giving more time to an argument about a person none of us know, which is a crucial part of what I want to talk about. People you know are more important than people you don't know. I realize it's tricky in an age where we've never been closer or more engaged to our celebrities to keep in mind that we do not know them, they are not our friends, and while we may love them and stan and feel like we're attacked when they're attacked-- That is not true. That is not real. They are in no tangible way connected to us. Now, as someone who is obsessed with pop culture, I get that it's a little hypocritical for me to be making
Post a Comment
Read more