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Facebook Says They're Having Sex

After my book "Everybody Wants to Have Sex With You: Facebook and Your Love Life" went to #139 on the New York Times Bestseller list, I decided to follow it up with a sequel.

Now that everyone knows how to tell if someone on Facebook wants to have sex with you, the next logical step had to be helping people figure out which of their friends are sleeping together.

"But Kevin," you may say, "Don't you just apply the same rules you use to figure out if someone wants to bed you?"

To you, Great Aunt Sally, I say--Noooo...

That would mean your friends aren't trickier and sluttier than you, and let's face it, they are.

So here's how to tell who your friends and frenemies are doing more than poking:

*Liking Statuses That Don't Need to Be Liked

FRIEND #1

I'm eating dinner.

FRIEND #2 likes this

FRIEND #1 also likes this, indicating that he likes that FRIEND #2 likes this, meaning they're having sex.

*Puns and Insults

FRIEND #1 wrote on FRIEND #2's Wall

FRIEND #1: You smell, and I don't mean like "toe-ses."

FRIEND #2 wrote on FRIEND #1's Wall

FRIEND #2: You know what smells? Your "toe-ses."

Don't know what the hell they're talking about?

It doesn't matter.

They're having sex.

*Similar Status Updates

FRIEND #1: The blueberry bagels at Tella's are amazing.
FRIEND #2: I love eating blueberry bagels off a certain someone's naked body.

If these statuses are posted within an hour of each other, not only are they having sex, but they're updating their Facebook while they're having sex.

*The Smiley Face

FRIEND #1: :)

FRIEND #2 Likes This

(That's because FRIEND #1 gave FRIEND #2 the smiley face.)

*The Double Tag

When FRIENDS appear in someone else's status together all too frequently.

FRIEND #3

Had an awesome night with FRIEND #1 and FRIEND #2!!! You two are awesome! Hope you both made it home okay in the awesome car you arrived in together and that you did something awesome for the two awesome hours you left the bar and didn't answer your answer phones! Did I say you were awesome? Well, you're awesome!

Now go find out which of your friends is having sex.

Putting two and two together can be pretty awesome.

No pun intended.

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