For those of you who don't believe me when I say that Ryan Murphy is an incredibly predictable writer/producer, I've decided to show you that it's possible for anybody to write an episode of his show Glee.
Here's what you do:
The opening scene takes place in the hallway after the recap. Two of the characters have to have a semi-clever conversation about a plot that's been dragged out all year.
Example:
FINN: I still like you.
RACHEL: I, for one, don't think I like you anymore.
FINN: Wait, are we dating?
RACHEL: Yes...wait...no...I, for one, think we broke up two episodes ago.
FINN: Okay. Then let's get back together.
RACHEL: No, I, for one, think we should to wait until the season finale.
FINN: Deal.
Have Rachel twitch a lot--and make sure she cries during the eight solos you give her during any given episode. Make sure Finn looks off to the side whenever he's doing a scene with someone. It increases his "golly gosh gee I'm All-American and innocent" quotient.
Scene Two--Establish the theme.
Usually it's "Tolerance," or "Tolerating People," or "We're All Cool," or "People Who Get Picked On Are Really Beautiful."
Have Mr. Shue give the kids some assignment a regular teacher would never give his students like--
MR. SHUE: Come up with a mash-up that incorporates music from a Latin American artist and a 1930's Broadway musical, and let it express how you feel about Goth kids being picked on and how people don't realize they're beautiful.
Right about now, Kurt should say something sassy like "I haven't been this excited since Madonna tempted us with the promise of a North American tour" or "Finn, you clearly don't understand the intricacies of the classic film 'Valley of the Dolls.'"
Remember, Kurt has to be stereotypically gay for most of the episode, except for one scene where he's just downright preachy.
Have him say something like:
KURT: Don't you understand that I am responsible for being the only gay character on television?
(He's forgetting about Grey's Anatomy, 90210, everybody on Bravo, every male contestant on So You Think You Can Dance?, reruns of Will & Grace, etc., but let's just pretend those others don't exist.)
By now you should have done at least two musical numbers, one of which actually pertains to the plot. The other one can just be some Top 40 song so people at home can go--
"Honey! Come quick! That Glee show is doing a T.I. song! Isn't that clever?"
Also, somebody has to have quit the Glee club only to have Mr. Shue try to get them to see why they should come back.
MR. SHUE: It's not just a club. It's about...family.
Have Coach Sue say something mean to Will. Make it a long, drawn-out metaphor for his hair looking like something silly. About five seconds later tons of gay men and teenage girls will post it as their status and think it's brilliant.
Here, something like this:
SUE: Will, your hair is a giant swirl of ice cream if ice cream were made up of sadness and stupidity. I'd like you to put it on a cone and take it away from me before my brain gains any dead weight just by looking at it. Oh, and I'm going to destroy your Glee club, because...that's kind of all I do even though secretly I have a heart of gold.
Once the person that's been thrown out/quit Glee club has come back, have the kids present their assignment over a montage of everybody "learning a valuable lesson."
Have Kurt say something like--
KURT: I am gay and I am human and I deserve love!
Then have Brittany say something like--
BRITTANY: Penguins deserve love too. That doesn't really make sense, but I'm a decent enough actress to make lines like that work, so they keep giving them to me. This is going to get old fast, but then again, so is everything else on this show.
If you find that you've only given every character half a scene or so, then you've given them way too much. Add the quirky nurse who has no chemistry with Mr. Shue into the episode, or the ex-wife that ran out of storyline last season but still hangs around because Murphy thinks Jessalyn Gilsig is his good luck charm.
(See: The Nip/Tuck crazy character played by her that refused to die.)
Bring the episode to a close by showing scenes from next week's episode which will either be a tribute episode to the movie Flashdance, an episode featuring a guest star who will be atuotuned so that the media will be shocked--SHOCKED!--at what a great singer they are, and/or an episode that's virtually identical to the one you've just watched.
If it's February sweeps, you'll probably get all three.
Now go ahead, and start writing.
Oh, and send whatever episodes you write to Ryan Murphy.
He needs all the help he can get.
Here's what you do:
The opening scene takes place in the hallway after the recap. Two of the characters have to have a semi-clever conversation about a plot that's been dragged out all year.
Example:
FINN: I still like you.
RACHEL: I, for one, don't think I like you anymore.
FINN: Wait, are we dating?
RACHEL: Yes...wait...no...I, for one, think we broke up two episodes ago.
FINN: Okay. Then let's get back together.
RACHEL: No, I, for one, think we should to wait until the season finale.
FINN: Deal.
Have Rachel twitch a lot--and make sure she cries during the eight solos you give her during any given episode. Make sure Finn looks off to the side whenever he's doing a scene with someone. It increases his "golly gosh gee I'm All-American and innocent" quotient.
Scene Two--Establish the theme.
Usually it's "Tolerance," or "Tolerating People," or "We're All Cool," or "People Who Get Picked On Are Really Beautiful."
Have Mr. Shue give the kids some assignment a regular teacher would never give his students like--
MR. SHUE: Come up with a mash-up that incorporates music from a Latin American artist and a 1930's Broadway musical, and let it express how you feel about Goth kids being picked on and how people don't realize they're beautiful.
Right about now, Kurt should say something sassy like "I haven't been this excited since Madonna tempted us with the promise of a North American tour" or "Finn, you clearly don't understand the intricacies of the classic film 'Valley of the Dolls.'"
Remember, Kurt has to be stereotypically gay for most of the episode, except for one scene where he's just downright preachy.
Have him say something like:
KURT: Don't you understand that I am responsible for being the only gay character on television?
(He's forgetting about Grey's Anatomy, 90210, everybody on Bravo, every male contestant on So You Think You Can Dance?, reruns of Will & Grace, etc., but let's just pretend those others don't exist.)
By now you should have done at least two musical numbers, one of which actually pertains to the plot. The other one can just be some Top 40 song so people at home can go--
"Honey! Come quick! That Glee show is doing a T.I. song! Isn't that clever?"
Also, somebody has to have quit the Glee club only to have Mr. Shue try to get them to see why they should come back.
MR. SHUE: It's not just a club. It's about...family.
Have Coach Sue say something mean to Will. Make it a long, drawn-out metaphor for his hair looking like something silly. About five seconds later tons of gay men and teenage girls will post it as their status and think it's brilliant.
Here, something like this:
SUE: Will, your hair is a giant swirl of ice cream if ice cream were made up of sadness and stupidity. I'd like you to put it on a cone and take it away from me before my brain gains any dead weight just by looking at it. Oh, and I'm going to destroy your Glee club, because...that's kind of all I do even though secretly I have a heart of gold.
Once the person that's been thrown out/quit Glee club has come back, have the kids present their assignment over a montage of everybody "learning a valuable lesson."
Have Kurt say something like--
KURT: I am gay and I am human and I deserve love!
Then have Brittany say something like--
BRITTANY: Penguins deserve love too. That doesn't really make sense, but I'm a decent enough actress to make lines like that work, so they keep giving them to me. This is going to get old fast, but then again, so is everything else on this show.
If you find that you've only given every character half a scene or so, then you've given them way too much. Add the quirky nurse who has no chemistry with Mr. Shue into the episode, or the ex-wife that ran out of storyline last season but still hangs around because Murphy thinks Jessalyn Gilsig is his good luck charm.
(See: The Nip/Tuck crazy character played by her that refused to die.)
Bring the episode to a close by showing scenes from next week's episode which will either be a tribute episode to the movie Flashdance, an episode featuring a guest star who will be atuotuned so that the media will be shocked--SHOCKED!--at what a great singer they are, and/or an episode that's virtually identical to the one you've just watched.
If it's February sweeps, you'll probably get all three.
Now go ahead, and start writing.
Oh, and send whatever episodes you write to Ryan Murphy.
He needs all the help he can get.
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