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Lunch with the Boys: The Whore or The Wallflower

"I got dumped for vanilla pudding."

The pudding Brian is referring to is a guy named William. Brian had been interested in a guy named Chris, but Chris stopped returning his calls about a week ago.

That was when Brian saw the dreaded Facebook change.

BRIAN: In a relationship--with William.
TURNER: At least now you know.
BRIAN: I wish I didn't know. I wish I lived in a cave with no access to the outside world.
SCOOTER: My mom's basement is available.
ME: So what do we know about this William guy?

Here's what we know based on rumors, wall posts, and limited social interactions:

- William is a high school math teacher in his late twenties.
- He enjoys biking, cooking, and wine.
- He's moderately attractive.
- He's extremely reserved.
- He's probably bad in bed.

SCOOTER: Whore or the wallflower.
BRIAN: Excuse me?
ME: Looks like Chris has the WW Complex. He likes to date wallflowers.
TURNER: It's the gay guy's version of The Whore or the Madonna.
SCOOTER: I thought it was Madonna or the Virgin?
ME: The point is, he opted for the quiet guy who sits in a corner while he gets to be the badass in the relationship.
BRIAN: But wait, if he has Whore or Wallflower Syndrome, that means I'm the Whore.
ME: Not really. It just means you're more of a whore than William.
SCOOTER: From the looks of the guy, I'd say there are nuns who are more of a whore than William.

Gay guys aren't that much different from straight guys when it comes to a few select areas. They may want a wild guy in bed, but when it comes to a guy whose photo they can put up as their default, they want someone a little more presentable. Brian was just starting to figure this out.

BRIAN: So I got tossed because I'm not some little cheerleader who's just going to support everything he does and watch CSI with him?
SCOOTER: Yeah, pretty much.
BRIAN: Can the waitress bring me a knife?
TURNER: But Brian, that means that ultimately you're the winner. Why would you want someone like that?
BRIAN: Because I'm always getting screwed over for wanting someone who happens to be their own person! I want someone who has as strong a personality as I do, but guys who do want someone who tugs on their shirt when they have to use the bathroom to make sure it's okay!
ME: I understand Brian's frustration. The only thing those guys want is to go home with the cute guy at the party. We can say we win by living interesting lives, but in their minds, they win.
TURNER: Ah, the perks of being a wallflower.
ME: Really, Turner?
SCOOTER: So everybody wins?
BRIAN: Then why do I feel so awful?
ME: Because you haven't had the cheesecake yet.
ALL: Amen.

What do you know--nearly ten years out of high school, and the cheerleaders are still getting the best guys.

Go figure.

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