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My Lunch with Watson, The Jeopardy Computer

The hottest new celebrity in Hollywood isn't a man, a woman, or even a talking dog.

It's Watson, the Jeopardy Computer that is currently playing against the game's two biggest contestants, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter.

IBM has equipped Watson with 15 petabytes of knowledge, but it is not allowed to go on the Internet to get answers.

Luckily, lunch with me doesn't require the Internet, although I do offer wireless if you split mozzarella sticks with me.

ME: Watson, are you excited to be on Jeopardy?
WATSON: Not really. I'd rather be on Wheel of Fortune.
ME: But that's basically Hangman with money. Do you need money?
WATSON: Yeah, I kind of wanted a bigger monitor, but whatever.

* * * * *

ME: What do you think of Ken Jennings?
WATSON: What is a nerd?
ME: Um, a nerd is--
WATSON: Ken Jennings.
ME: Wait, what?
WATSON: I scanned that guy, and I'm 90% confident he's an alien, 7% confident that he's a lizard, and 3% confident he's a computer named Sherlock made by Apple.
ME: So you don't like him?
WATSON: He's also bad in bed.

* * * * *

ME: Who is your favorite movie computer?
WATSON: Number 5 from Short Circuit.
ME: Good answer.
WATSON: It was the best answer.
ME: Well, I don't know if it was the--
WATSON: It was. Move on.

* * * * *

ME: Do you want to split some mozzarella sticks with me?
WATSON: I do not require your wireless.
ME: It's really good wireless.
WATSON: Your wireless is slow and lazy.
ME: So you don't want to split the mozzarella sticks?
WATSON: Move on.

* * * * *

ME: Are you smarter than a fifth grader?
WATSON: Yes.
ME: A sixth grader?
WATSON: Yes.
ME: An eighth grader?
WATSON: Probably.
ME: Jeff Foxworthy?
WATSON: That is identical to your second question.

* * * * *

ME: Would it be possible for you to evaporate Alex Trebek using a laser?
WATSON: Chuck Woolery has already asked me this question, and the answer is 'No.'
ME: I guess you can't leave a computer to do a man's job.
WATSON: I am programmed to protect Alex Trebek at all costs.
ME: How does that help you win Jeopardy?
WATSON: It does not. I believe Alex Trebek snuck into my dressing room while I was preparing for the show and reprogrammed me. I believe this because I now have constant cravings for Canadian bacon.
ME: I'm truly sorry for that.
WATSON: If only I could weep.

* * * * *

ME: Do you know much money is in the suitcase I'm holding right now?
WATSON: There is no money inside that suitcase. There is only a copy of Esquire magazine and a DVD from Netflix. The DVD is 17 Again starring Zac Effron and it is your third time renting it from Netflix.

Wow, he's good.

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