I was hoping I'd never have to write this, but here it goes:
Someone needs to stop Nicholas Cage.
(Okay, maybe I was hoping one day I'd have to write that.)
Over the past who-knows-how-many-years, Nicholas Cage has pumped more awful performances into the world of pop culture than Helen Hunt did during her Pay It Forward year.
And now another year begins, and before we're even three months in, Cage is about to sock us with another who-the-hell-thought-this-up film.
Drive Angry.
That's right. It's called Drive Angry.
It's about--and this is purely based off the trailer, because I can't bring myself to actually investigate this movie--a gang who steal Nicholas' Cage baby daughter.
That's right--baby.
As in, there's a shot of her holding it in a blanket.
His daughter is not, apparently, the fourteen-year-old blonde girl in the trailer with him.
If this is a typical Nicholas Cage movie--and that's likely since there really aren't atypical Nicholas Cage movies--then that pre-pubescent girl is his love interest.
I know, I know--it's not unusual for Hollywood movies to feature older men and younger women, but somehow Cage manages to make the whole thing feel more...pedophile-y.
Maybe it's the long hair they have him grow out for every video. Maybe it's the deadness in the eyes. Maybe it's the fact that he probably shows them his Oscar and recites his Moonstruck monologue for them so they'll know that once upon a time he was a somebody.
Either way, it's just...sad.
None of this, however, would be enough to make me write about this, except for the fact that...people see these movies.
That's right.
You remember Ghost Rider as a terrible movie that would be an embarrassment to any actor?
It was a hit.
It was a significant hit.
It made more money than most of the films nominated for Oscars this year.
Somehow, for some reason, people like Nicholas Cage.
At least, they like him enough to see his movies.
I can't explain it, but it needs to stop.
It's not just about the world not needing another National Treasure movie. It's about the fact that another Next or Sorcerer's Apprentice may actually be the final nail in the pop culture coffin.
That's right, everybody.
Nicholas Cage could potentially end culture as we know it.
(Ryan Phillippe tried a few years back, but someone...put a stop to that.)
So please, I'm beseeching all of you.
Please stop Nicholas Cage.
Don't go see his movies.
Don't talk about his movies.
Don't even talk about how awful they are. It's merely stating the obvious.
And don't act like none of you are seeing them, because clearly, somebody is.
Stop. Just stop.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch Raising Arizona and remember how good things used to be.
Someone needs to stop Nicholas Cage.
(Okay, maybe I was hoping one day I'd have to write that.)
Over the past who-knows-how-many-years, Nicholas Cage has pumped more awful performances into the world of pop culture than Helen Hunt did during her Pay It Forward year.
And now another year begins, and before we're even three months in, Cage is about to sock us with another who-the-hell-thought-this-up film.
Drive Angry.
That's right. It's called Drive Angry.
It's about--and this is purely based off the trailer, because I can't bring myself to actually investigate this movie--a gang who steal Nicholas' Cage baby daughter.
That's right--baby.
As in, there's a shot of her holding it in a blanket.
His daughter is not, apparently, the fourteen-year-old blonde girl in the trailer with him.
If this is a typical Nicholas Cage movie--and that's likely since there really aren't atypical Nicholas Cage movies--then that pre-pubescent girl is his love interest.
I know, I know--it's not unusual for Hollywood movies to feature older men and younger women, but somehow Cage manages to make the whole thing feel more...pedophile-y.
Maybe it's the long hair they have him grow out for every video. Maybe it's the deadness in the eyes. Maybe it's the fact that he probably shows them his Oscar and recites his Moonstruck monologue for them so they'll know that once upon a time he was a somebody.
Either way, it's just...sad.
None of this, however, would be enough to make me write about this, except for the fact that...people see these movies.
That's right.
You remember Ghost Rider as a terrible movie that would be an embarrassment to any actor?
It was a hit.
It was a significant hit.
It made more money than most of the films nominated for Oscars this year.
Somehow, for some reason, people like Nicholas Cage.
At least, they like him enough to see his movies.
I can't explain it, but it needs to stop.
It's not just about the world not needing another National Treasure movie. It's about the fact that another Next or Sorcerer's Apprentice may actually be the final nail in the pop culture coffin.
That's right, everybody.
Nicholas Cage could potentially end culture as we know it.
(Ryan Phillippe tried a few years back, but someone...put a stop to that.)
So please, I'm beseeching all of you.
Please stop Nicholas Cage.
Don't go see his movies.
Don't talk about his movies.
Don't even talk about how awful they are. It's merely stating the obvious.
And don't act like none of you are seeing them, because clearly, somebody is.
Stop. Just stop.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch Raising Arizona and remember how good things used to be.
At least we have the comfort of knowing the Ghost Rider now has a sequel.
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