The following is a semi-factual conversation that may or may not have happened between myself and a guy I had a relationship/fling/thing with at some point.
Let's join this paraphrased, quasi-real conversation already in progress.
ME: ...So you slept with the guy?
MAN: Yeah.
ME: Um, okay. That's a little...uh...Gosh, I really don't want to say hypocritical, but...
MAN: How am I a hypocrite?
ME: Um, well, remember when you said we couldn't hang out or date anymore because you thought I was just looking for something physical and you were looking for a relationship?
MAN: You mean because you said you were just looking for friends with benefits and I wanted something meaningful so I don't wind up old and alone?
ME: Wow, you're good at summarizing. And yes, that does, um, kind of--yeah, that's what happened.
MAN: Okay, and?
ME: Well, you just hooked up with someone. On the first date. So, clearly, that whole 'looking for a relationship thing--'
MAN: He said he was looking for a relationship.
ME: Oh, so now you're dating?
MAN: No.
ME: So, you're going on another date?
MAN: No.
ME: So, he found out that he has to move to Newfoundland effective immediately?
MAN: No. He just changed his mind about wanting a relationship.
ME: After you slept together?
MAN: Yes.
ME: That means he told you he wanted a relationship because he knew you wouldn't have sex with him if he came right out and told you sex was all he was looking for so instead he lied to you, and you believed him, and now he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
MAN: That was a pretty mean summary.
ME: Did you actually think he was looking for a relationship when he pulled your pants down two hours into the date?
MAN: First of all, it was an hour and a half into the date, second of all, he took my shirt off first, and third of all, I don't know. I mean, I don't object to sex on the first date if the person's looking for something serious.
ME: But the thing is, people who are looking for something serious don't usually have sex on the first date.
MAN: Okay, so maybe I knew he was just looking for sex.
ME: So then why did you sleep with him?
MAN: Because at least he said he was looking for a relationship.
ME: You slept with him because he lied to you and you knew he lied but you liked the lie and you probably wanted to sleep with him anyway?
MAN: Again, you're a Mean Summarizer.
ME: So I was a giant slut for wanting an open, direct, communicative adult friendship that may or may not involve sex but guys who lie and say they want a boyfriend so they can hook up with someone and then never speak to them again aren't?
MAN: Um, I'm not supposed to say 'Yes,' right?
ME: Why is it bad to just say you're not looking for anything serious but that you aren't opposed to physical interaction as long as it's responsible?
MAN: Because relationships are awesome.
ME: Not always! I mean, sometimes. I've been in them. They were nice. But I don't want one now. That doesn't make me a giant man-whore.
MAN: I mean, I guess you would have to get paid to be a whore technically.
ME: Let me ask you something--Why is it if I sleep with five guys in, like, three months, I'm promiscuous, but if I were to change my relationship status on Facebook every time I do and list those guys as my 'boyfriends' then I'm a 'relationship' person?
MAN: Because it shows you're able to commit.
ME: No, it doesn't. It shows I'm fickle, I don't know what I want, and I like making single people feel really bad about themselves on Facebook!
MAN: You've got to want a relationship. Nobody likes being alone.
ME: Well, I'd rather be alone than rush into something or be with someone I don't really like.
MAN: But maybe you do like them and then a month goes by and you don't like them anymore.
ME: So maybe you wait two or three months before you officially start dating them exclusively.
MAN: Three months? That's like--half a year!
ME: A year is twelve months long.
MAN: Look, if you want to be a relationship hater, that's fine, but don't judge those of us who do want to be in one and take big steps toward love.
ME: That's a line from a Logo movie, isn't it?
MAN: Yeah, it was playing in the background while me and that guy were hooking up.
ME: I'll Netflix it.
MAN: Really?
ME: No, it sounds awful.
MAN: Yeah, it really was.
I'm not sure what I gained from this conversation, but I do know one thing:
I should never talk to this guy again.
Let's join this paraphrased, quasi-real conversation already in progress.
ME: ...So you slept with the guy?
MAN: Yeah.
ME: Um, okay. That's a little...uh...Gosh, I really don't want to say hypocritical, but...
MAN: How am I a hypocrite?
ME: Um, well, remember when you said we couldn't hang out or date anymore because you thought I was just looking for something physical and you were looking for a relationship?
MAN: You mean because you said you were just looking for friends with benefits and I wanted something meaningful so I don't wind up old and alone?
ME: Wow, you're good at summarizing. And yes, that does, um, kind of--yeah, that's what happened.
MAN: Okay, and?
ME: Well, you just hooked up with someone. On the first date. So, clearly, that whole 'looking for a relationship thing--'
MAN: He said he was looking for a relationship.
ME: Oh, so now you're dating?
MAN: No.
ME: So, you're going on another date?
MAN: No.
ME: So, he found out that he has to move to Newfoundland effective immediately?
MAN: No. He just changed his mind about wanting a relationship.
ME: After you slept together?
MAN: Yes.
ME: That means he told you he wanted a relationship because he knew you wouldn't have sex with him if he came right out and told you sex was all he was looking for so instead he lied to you, and you believed him, and now he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
MAN: That was a pretty mean summary.
ME: Did you actually think he was looking for a relationship when he pulled your pants down two hours into the date?
MAN: First of all, it was an hour and a half into the date, second of all, he took my shirt off first, and third of all, I don't know. I mean, I don't object to sex on the first date if the person's looking for something serious.
ME: But the thing is, people who are looking for something serious don't usually have sex on the first date.
MAN: Okay, so maybe I knew he was just looking for sex.
ME: So then why did you sleep with him?
MAN: Because at least he said he was looking for a relationship.
ME: You slept with him because he lied to you and you knew he lied but you liked the lie and you probably wanted to sleep with him anyway?
MAN: Again, you're a Mean Summarizer.
ME: So I was a giant slut for wanting an open, direct, communicative adult friendship that may or may not involve sex but guys who lie and say they want a boyfriend so they can hook up with someone and then never speak to them again aren't?
MAN: Um, I'm not supposed to say 'Yes,' right?
ME: Why is it bad to just say you're not looking for anything serious but that you aren't opposed to physical interaction as long as it's responsible?
MAN: Because relationships are awesome.
ME: Not always! I mean, sometimes. I've been in them. They were nice. But I don't want one now. That doesn't make me a giant man-whore.
MAN: I mean, I guess you would have to get paid to be a whore technically.
ME: Let me ask you something--Why is it if I sleep with five guys in, like, three months, I'm promiscuous, but if I were to change my relationship status on Facebook every time I do and list those guys as my 'boyfriends' then I'm a 'relationship' person?
MAN: Because it shows you're able to commit.
ME: No, it doesn't. It shows I'm fickle, I don't know what I want, and I like making single people feel really bad about themselves on Facebook!
MAN: You've got to want a relationship. Nobody likes being alone.
ME: Well, I'd rather be alone than rush into something or be with someone I don't really like.
MAN: But maybe you do like them and then a month goes by and you don't like them anymore.
ME: So maybe you wait two or three months before you officially start dating them exclusively.
MAN: Three months? That's like--half a year!
ME: A year is twelve months long.
MAN: Look, if you want to be a relationship hater, that's fine, but don't judge those of us who do want to be in one and take big steps toward love.
ME: That's a line from a Logo movie, isn't it?
MAN: Yeah, it was playing in the background while me and that guy were hooking up.
ME: I'll Netflix it.
MAN: Really?
ME: No, it sounds awful.
MAN: Yeah, it really was.
I'm not sure what I gained from this conversation, but I do know one thing:
I should never talk to this guy again.
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