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A Conversation with My Mom on Valentine's Day

MOM: Did you get me anything for Valentine's Day?

ME: No, why would I?

MOM: Because I'm your mother.

ME: Yeah.

MOM: And it's Valentine's Day.

ME: Mom, we go through this every year. You have a husband.

MOM: Did you get grandma something?

ME: She DOESN'T have a husband.

MOM: I see how it is.

ME: No, I don't think you do.

MOM: It's fine. I'm not heartbroken or anything.

ME: Did your husband not get you anything?

MOM: No, he did.

ME: And?

MOM: And your grandfather sent me a card.

ME: And?

MOM: ...And your uncle.

ME: And you still want something from me?

MOM: I didn't give birth to any of them.

ME: Well, I would hope not. Otherwise we'd have a lot more to talk about.

MOM: I hope you at least plan on taking me out to dinner.

ME: We can go to dinner, but not for Valentine's Day. That's creepy.

MOM: You never want to spend time with your family.

ME: And you always want to make family events out of holidays that have nothing to do with family.

MOM: That's not true!

ME: New Year's Eve?

MOM: Family time.

ME: Fourth of July?

MOM: Family time.

ME: Arbor day.

MOM: Family tree. What more is there to say?

ME: Fine. I'll get you flowers, but they won't be pretty.

MOM: Chocolate?

ME: Reese's.

MOM: A teddy bear with a heart?

ME: A hippo that says 'Congratulations.'

MOM: Are you saying I'm fat?

I can't win.

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