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Fashion Special: Swimsuits, or What I Wouldn't Be Caught Dead In

Details gave me an early birthday present this year with a special on swimsuits.

Maybe they thought us gays would like something to counter Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, but the result is this:

I now feel like the most unattractive person on Earth.

So I guess it really is the counter to the SI Swimsuit Edition, in terms of how normal people feel looking at it.

Let's begin, shall we:

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201203/swim-trunks-bathing-suit-beach-fashion#slide=1

I don't know how I'm supposed to get an idea of how these look on someone. Is the new trend to have someone model something while doing a push-up? Granted, this is, by far, the most conservative of the suits.

Don't believe me?

Let's go to next slide:

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201203/swim-trunks-bathing-suit-beach-fashion#slide=3

What kind of event would you wear this to? An Egyptian porn proprietor's house-warming party? Compared to this, however--

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201203/swim-trunks-bathing-suit-beach-fashion#slide=4

--It looks fairly conservative. I'm pretty sure that half these suits would get you arrested on most public beaches.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201203/swim-trunks-bathing-suit-beach-fashion#slide=8

I'm kind of distracted by how dirty he is, and I mean that literally. Plus, I'm not sure I could have Gucci plastered across my behind without feeling like I should be on the cover of "Elitist" magazine.

http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201203/swim-trunks-bathing-suit-beach-fashion#slide=9

Again, what's with the half-photo? I can't tell if he's wearing a swimsuit or a napkin.

Don't get me wrong. I'd happily invite any of these gentlemen over for a pool party.

A party at which I'll be wearing a sensible sweater and a pair of khakis.

Because that's how I rock it.

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