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Glenn Close Directs Herself in a BTC Production

(A bare stage. GLENN holds a script in her hand. ALEX, VAL, JEFF, and IKE are all sitting around her.)

GLENN: What is acting?
ALEX: Acting is--
GLENN: Wrong.
ALEX: I didn't even--
GLENN: Wrong! You're a fool. Become a plumber.
ALEX: But--
GLENN: A plumbing fool! Exeunt!

(ALEX sighs, and leaves the theater.)

GLENN: He was corrupting my art.
IKE: Glenn, you haven't even told us what script you're doing yet.
GLENN: Haha, god you're sexual.
IKE: I'm...what?
GLENN: Stop making those eyes at me. Act like a professional.
IKE: I'm just afraid of you.
GLENN: Fear. Sex. Death. Madness.
IKE: Those things are all different.
VAL: She's a goddess.
IKE: Val, don't go into her light.
VAL: I don't believe EVERYTHING she says.
JEFF: No, he means, don't go into her actual light. If you do, she chops off your toes and feeds them to John Lithgow.
GLENN: Silence!

(They all huddle together.)

GLENN: The play we are about to embark on is truly an American epic. It will be the signature work of the Glenn Close Burbage Theatre Company Ensemble Close.
IKE: I think she said her name twice.
GLENN: WE'LL MAKE LOVE LATER! PAY ATTENTION!
IKE: Oh my...
VAL: I hope it's an all-female production Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I can be Brick. She can be Big Mama.
JEFF: Who would I be?
VAL: Well, there must be a servant.
JEFF: Val--
VAL: Jeff, you're not experienced enough to work with Glenn yet. She's a visionary.
JEFF: Val, she had your boyfriend banished from the room!
VAL: This isn't about love! This is--
GLENN: --About art. Val understands that. She understands me. She shall be my assistant director.
VAL: What do I get to do?
GLENN: Play with my hair and recite lines from Reversal of Fortune with me.

(ALEX reenters.)

ALEX: Glenn, I just wanted to remind you that we can't actually rename the company after you or--
GLENN: Do you hear the sound of an infant being eaten by a live goat?
JEFF: No, I hear Alex.
ALEX: Yeah, it's me.
VAL: I hear the goat-eating baby.
IKE: I hear Tony Orlando.
ALEX: Uh--
GLENN: Nope, definitely a live goat going to town on some poor mewling babe. What a pity.

(She claps her hands, and a trapdoor opens, through which ALEX falls through.)

GLENN: Now, let us begin our great work.
JEFF: Again, what is it we're doing?
GLENN: What else, Jeff? We're doing a stage version of--
JEFF: Oh God, don't say it--
GLENN: Fatal Attraction.
IKE AND JEFF: Ugh...
VAL: I just felt myself become a woman.

(GLENN smiles.)

GLENN: Enter...adventure.

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