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Lunch with the Boys: Three's a Crowd

Brian came to lunch with a problem.

BRIAN: There's this cute couple that I hear does threeways, but I'm not sure how to get an offer from them to join in.

I need to find new friends.

SCOOTER: Just ask them.
ME: Just ask them?
TURNER: You can't ask them. They have to broach the subject.
ME: Are we really talking about this?
BRIAN: Jump in or go eat somewhere else, Broccoli. This train ain't stopping now.

Don't judge me, but I stayed.

Sociological issues involving sluts always fascinates me.

ME: Okay fine. I agree you can't come right out and ask them, but this still seems like a pretty easy fix.
BRIAN: Send them a card?
ME: Get drunk with them.
SCOOTER: Now we're talking.
BRIAN: I don't know.
SCOOTER: What do you mean you don't know? If they pay for the drinks, that's an ideal situation!
BRIAN: I don't think they drink that much.
TURNER: Are they Mormon?
BRIAN: Uh--
TURNER: Because if they're Mormon, I want in on that.

Turner has a Mormon thing. We don't say anything about it because I have a British thing, Brian has an Australian thing, and Scooter is into anybody that lives somewhere where killing a deer with your bare hands is legal.

SCOOTER: You need to just find a way to put it out there but be subtle about it.
BRIAN: How would I do that?
SCOOTER: Go on Facebook, and put up a status being like 'Ohhh, I had a dream last night about hooking up with a couple and it was amazing. I wish that could happen in real life with people I know.'
ME: Why don't you just put up a billboard in front of their house that says 'Do Me?'
SCOOTER: I tried that once. I still get text messages from weirdoes.

Turner yelped, which is as scary as it sounds.

It means he has an idea.

TURNER: I have an idea!

See?

TURNER: Hit on the Ugly One.

We all nodded our heads in agreement.

In any couple that engages in consistent three-way activity, the uglier one of the two is always the one that initiates it.

This may seem odd, until you consider that anybody dating someone incredibly hot, and (usually) not that bright, is dealing with insecurity issues. Getting a hot boyfriend will satisfy them for awhile, but after that they need to move onto harder stuff (pun not intended).

ME: One guy's in control. You get the Ugly One to like you and he'll get you in the door.
SCOOTER: The back--
ME: Don't do it.
SCOOTER: Sorry.
BRIAN: They're both cute though.
TURNER: One of them has to be at least slightly uglier.
BRIAN: Well, one's got a little more weight on--
ALL: That's the one.

I know we sound like horrible people, but it's this or discuss politics, and if you know anything about politics, you know this is much deeper.

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